雅思習(xí)作評(píng)改系列（4）：準(zhǔn)確把握題目要求是好作文的前提

老雅一直都在強(qiáng)調(diào)，寫好雅思作文要做到思路清晰、語(yǔ)言流暢。很多同學(xué)語(yǔ)言基礎(chǔ)很好，往往在閱讀和聽力中取得高分，但寫作卻老是敗走麥城。發(fā)生這種情況的原因可能是多種多樣的，其中有一個(gè)可能被很多同學(xué)忽略，那就是沒有準(zhǔn)確把握題目要求。老雅曾在本專欄專門談及雅思寫作的完整性（見《英語(yǔ)世界》2018年第9期，第112—114頁(yè)），提醒考生要完整理解雅思考試作文題目的要求，并對(duì)其中所有觀點(diǎn)給予回應(yīng)（同意還是不同意）。本期修改老雅擬用一篇學(xué)生習(xí)作為例，說明好作文最基本的前提是準(zhǔn)確把握題目要求。

題目

Some countries achieve international sporting success by building specialized facilities to train top athletes instead of providing sports facilities that everyone can use. Do you think it is a positive or negative development？

學(xué)生習(xí)作

In order to achieve success in international sports games， some countries put great investment for the top athletes rather than the individuals. However， whether this policy can bring optimistic effects to people has been a controversial issue. In my view， specialized facilities for excellent athletes can have positive impacts on sports industry.

To begin with， focusing on specialized facilities can be beneficial to sports development of many nations. This is because international sporting success always mainly relies on the top athletes， and only professional training and specialized facilities can inspire potential abilities， helping them perform well in the global competitions. Meanwhile， it will attract public’s attention correspondingly， and then encourage them to participate in the sports. For example， Yao Ming achieved great success in National Basketball Association， which stimulated massive interest in playing basketball for most ages people in China. According to official statistics， there are approximately two million basketball player. As a result， this kind of sports has been the most popular activity in this country. Therefore， personal success can facilitate the sports development of a country.

In contrast， it is also true that government should provide ordinary people with access to sports facilities. Basically， with the improvement of living standard nowadays， individuals lay more emphasis on outdoor sports rather than work only. Hence， the administration should not neglect the needs of citizens， and build more public facilities for them because countries offer specialized facilities with public money.

In conclusion， specialized facilities are essential for top athletes to fight for honor in the international events. In addition， the nations should also not ignore the demands of individuals for sports.

評(píng)分：6

總評(píng)：具有用英語(yǔ)表達(dá)思想的能力，也具有一定的邏輯思考能力。文章有連貫性，詞匯不錯(cuò)，語(yǔ)法也比較正確（但有相當(dāng)多的小錯(cuò)誤）。本文的最大問題是結(jié)構(gòu)不夠合理，段落長(zhǎng)短分配不合理，對(duì)題目中觀點(diǎn)的回應(yīng)不夠準(zhǔn)確完整，尤其是沒有充分回應(yīng)“不為大眾提供體育設(shè)施”這個(gè)部分（沒有針對(duì)這個(gè)部分表達(dá)自己的觀點(diǎn)和論證）。

逐句修改

第1段：In order to achieve success in international sports games， some countries put great investment for the top athletes rather than the individuals. However， whether this policy can bring optimistic effects to people has been a controversial issue. In my view， specialized facilities for excellent athletes can have positive impacts on sports industry.

【老雅修改】In order to achieve success in international sports games， some countries spend a great deal of budget on specialized facilities for top athletes rather than on the sports facilities for the general public. In my view， while this practice will bring some short-term positive benefits to the sports industry， it will also cause many problems.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】1. 從作文后面的討論來看，本文并不是完全贊同題目中的觀點(diǎn)，而是一個(gè)雙邊討論的結(jié)構(gòu)，因此，在第一段的結(jié)尾不宜如此明確地支持一方觀點(diǎn)。修改文用while…來引導(dǎo)雙方觀點(diǎn)。2. “However， whether this policy can bring optimistic effects to people has been a controversial issue.”這句話是典型的模板，對(duì)上下文沒有任何貢獻(xiàn)，反而可能被考官認(rèn)定為模板而導(dǎo)致丟分，建議刪除。3. “put great investment for…”是不準(zhǔn)確的表達(dá)法。

第2段：To begin with， focusing on specialized facilities can be beneficial to sports development of many nations. This is because international sporting success always mainly relies on the top athletes， and only professional training and specialized facilities can inspire potential abilities， helping them perform well in the global competitions. Meanwhile， it will attract public’s attention correspondingly， and then encourage them to participate in the sports. For example， Yao Ming achieved great success in National Basketball Association， which stimulated massive interest in playing basketball for most ages people in China. According to official statistics， there are approximately two million basketball player. As a result， this kind of sports has been the most popular activity in this country. Therefore， personal success can facilitate the sports development of a country.

【老雅修改】To begin with， providing specialized facilities for top athletes can be beneficial to the overall sports development of a nation. This is because international sporting success always relies on the top athletes， and the professional training and specialized facilities can help them perform well in the global competitions. The gold medals they win， in turn， will attract the attention of the general public， especially the young people， and encourage them to participate in sports. For example， Yao Ming’s great success in National Basketball Association has stimulated massive interest in basketball in China and according to official statistics， has drawn approximately two million Chinese people to the basketball court， making basketball the most popular sports in this country.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】1. 本段論證思路問題不大：先給出主題句，然后解釋主題句，最后提供一個(gè)恰當(dāng)?shù)睦?。修改文僅僅調(diào)整了一些語(yǔ)句，使行文更加簡(jiǎn)潔、流暢、準(zhǔn)確。2. focusing on specialized facilities不準(zhǔn)確，應(yīng)該是providing specialized facilities。3. inspire potential abilities搭配不恰當(dāng)，對(duì)這類沒有把握的表達(dá)，建議謹(jǐn)慎使用，或者放棄不用。4. meanwhile這個(gè)連接詞使用不恰當(dāng)。這里的邏輯是：specialized facilities可以幫助top athletes在國(guó)際比賽中成功，而這反過來會(huì)促進(jìn)一個(gè)國(guó)家的體育產(chǎn)業(yè)，而不是這同時(shí)會(huì)促進(jìn)一個(gè)國(guó)家的體育產(chǎn)業(yè)。也就是說，運(yùn)動(dòng)員的成功與國(guó)家體育產(chǎn)業(yè)的發(fā)展不是并列關(guān)系，而是因果關(guān)系，因此連接詞應(yīng)該是in turn， 不是meanwhile。5. 本段用姚明的例子來證明一個(gè)運(yùn)動(dòng)員的成功可以帶動(dòng)整個(gè)體育產(chǎn)業(yè)，這是很恰當(dāng)?shù)?。但?xí)作中，這個(gè)舉例共占用了三句話，顯得比較零碎。雅思高分作文的舉例一般用高度濃縮的1-2句。6. 本段已經(jīng)很長(zhǎng)，最后一句段落summary可以刪除。

第3段：In contrast， it is also true that government should provide ordinary people with access to sports facilities. Basically， with the improvement of living standard nowadays， individuals lay more emphasis on outdoor sports rather than work only. Hence， the administration should not neglect the needs of citizens， and build more public facilities for them because countries offer specialized facilities with public money.

【老雅修改】 However， the benefits gained from the success of top athletes may be reduced if there are not enough sports facilities for the general public. Take Yao Ming again for example. When thousands of youngsters are inspired by his success and feel the need to play basketball， only to find that they do not have a basketball court， then， what is the use of Yao Ming’s success？ Meanwhile， without millions of people playing basketball， the chances of a country finding a basketball star like Yao Ming would be very small. For these reasons， the government should try to provide adequate sports facilities for the public， not just for the few top players.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】1. 本段應(yīng)該對(duì)題目中的“不給大眾提供足夠運(yùn)動(dòng)設(shè)施”進(jìn)行回應(yīng)：如果大眾沒有運(yùn)動(dòng)設(shè)施，即使受到頂級(jí)運(yùn)動(dòng)員的鼓舞，也沒有辦法參加運(yùn)動(dòng);同時(shí)，沒有大眾參與運(yùn)動(dòng)，出現(xiàn)頂級(jí)運(yùn)動(dòng)員的機(jī)會(huì)也很小。因此，給大眾提供運(yùn)動(dòng)設(shè)施非常重要。遺憾的是，習(xí)作僅僅提出“政府應(yīng)該給大眾提供運(yùn)動(dòng)設(shè)施，因?yàn)殡S著生活水平的提高，人們更強(qiáng)調(diào)戶外運(yùn)動(dòng)了”。這個(gè)回應(yīng)沒有準(zhǔn)確抓住題目的要求，沒有分析“不給大眾提供足夠運(yùn)動(dòng)設(shè)施”可能帶來的問題。2. the administration的意思是“當(dāng)局”，比如Obama administration、Trump administration，是一個(gè)政治學(xué)概念，用在這里不合適。3. countries offer specialized facilities with public money表達(dá)不清，是雅思寫作中應(yīng)該極力避免的大錯(cuò)誤。

第4段：In conclusion， specialized facilities are essential for top athletes to fight for honor in the international events. In addition， the nations should also not ignore the demands of individuals for sports.

【老雅修改】 In conclusion， providing specialized facilities for top players enables them to win honor in international events and promote a country’s sports industry， but enough sports facilities for all people are also important. After all， what really matters is the health of all people， rather than the success of a few top athletes.

【老雅點(diǎn)評(píng)】習(xí)作結(jié)尾相當(dāng)weak。首先，這個(gè)結(jié)尾沒有突出“體育產(chǎn)業(yè)”，而“體育產(chǎn)業(yè)”恰恰是習(xí)作第2段的核心詞匯。其次，習(xí)作采取的是雙邊討論結(jié)構(gòu)，應(yīng)該在結(jié)尾體現(xiàn)出自己的觀點(diǎn)或傾向，但本習(xí)作僅僅指出提供專業(yè)設(shè)施和滿足大眾需求都重要，而沒有自己明確的觀點(diǎn)。修改文則突出了為大眾提供運(yùn)動(dòng)設(shè)施的重要性，因?yàn)椤白钪匾氖撬腥说慕】担皇莻€(gè)別頂級(jí)運(yùn)動(dòng)員的成功”。

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