小心難纏新娘

Michel Martin （Host）：Its wedding season. You might be invited to a wedding or two or three. So about that wedding—it is one of the most stressful events in a persons life. And why is that？ Well， could it be because people dont know how to behave？ So we brought back two our favorite guides on how to behave to get us all straightened out when it comes to wedding etiquette. They will also answer some of the questions youve been tweeting us. And with us now， once again， are Steven Petrow—he writes the advice columns “Civilities” for The Washington Post. And hes also author of Steven Petrows Complete Gay And Lesbian Manners. Welcome back.

Steven Petrow： Great to be with you.

Michel： Also joining us once again， Karen Grigsby Bates. Shes author of the etiquette book Basic Black： Home Training For Modern Times. Shes also an NPR correspondent. Karen Grigsby Bates， welcome back to you as well.

Karen Grigsby Bates： Thanks， Michel.

Michel： So let me just start by asking you—Karen， maybe youll start us off here. What are some of the questions that come up over and over again？

Karen： One of the top ones people always say is， I got an invitation to thus-and-sos wedding， and I dont think Im going to be able go. Do I have to send a present？

Michel： Really？ Why do you think thats the thing that comes up over and over again？

Karen： Because times are tough economically. People are worried about it， and weddings tend to come in clumps. And were right at the beginning of the start of serious-business wedding season. So Id say from sort of mid May to about late August， early September theres going to be a lot of that going on.

Michel： So whats the answer to that question？

Karen：Well， Ive always said that a wedding invitation is not a quid pro quo. Its not like you buy a ticket to go to the wedding by giving somebody a toaster. And the whole business of wedding presents started out when people used to live with their parents until they got married. So they didnt have any stuff. You know， your mom had all the stuff. Now couples often live together， or theyve been working for a while. And they bought things that they like， and so maybe they dont need or want as much stuff. Sometimes what Ive seen in registries is people saying， the thing I really， really want， Im saving up for， but if you guys want to contribute to my super-duper mixer， Id love to have that. Fine.

Michel： But to the question of people saying， do I have to send a present—your answer is， no， you dont have to.

Karen：No， you do not have to send a present.

Michel：OK. Steven Petrow， what about you？ Whats your answer to that？

Steven：Presents are really voluntary. But I think， in this case， because so many couples view them with emotion and love， its a great idea to give some kind of gift. Its a symbolic gesture.

Michel：And， Steven， you write about changing manners in a number of circumstances. You write about kind of the changing social mores. I mean， people are entering new territory with same-sex weddings， and to many people this is new. This is kind of a new experience， and they feel uncertain there. And you also write about changing digital manners. What are some of the questions that come up for you most often？

Steven：Well， among same-sex couples and those invited to same-sex weddings， it really is—its new territory. And I kind of see my role as a manners advice columnist as a psychotherapist for helping people get through these anxiety fraught moments. And so for gays and lesbians， theres the question， you know， are mom and dad going to help pay？ Usually not because， as Karen just mentioned， these couples tend to have been together for a while. Theyve got stuff， and they can afford their own wedding. For parents there are lots of questions. Again， will they be paying， but also will dad be dancing with his son during the first dance？ No. Thats not usually the case. Will the parents be escorting the couple—the same-sex couple down the aisle？ Sometimes. Its a beautiful， symbolic gesture， but many of these couples also have been together. They like the symbolism of escorting or walking themselves down the aisle.

Michel：Steven， you wrote recently in one of your columns—it was actually a very emotional issue， I think， for many people—which is the question of family members who have not necessarily been accepting of their relationship. And then the question arises when the wedding—if the couple does go forward and they decide to solemnize their relationship and make that commitment， should they invite a family member—a close family member—who has not been particularly supportive in the past？ And you had an answer that I think surprised a lot of people. Some people were not thrilled with it. Do you want to tell us what you said？

Steven：Id be happy to. And youre right. People were…many people were not thrilled. So in this particular instance， the woman who wrote in， she had told her parents that she was getting married to her fiancee—and thats fiancee with two Es. And they did not say congratulations. They did not really respond in any way. So now they were debating whether or not to invite their parents. And my answer was， yes. Take the high road. Embrace them. This is what families do. And my advice to the parents was accept—it does not mean that you need to go vote for same-sex marriage in your state. It doesnt mean that youre giving money to freedom to marry. It just means that youre there to support your daughter. But I would say was 50-50， the response. Many people agreed and think that， as I do， the way to change hearts and minds is to invite people to a wedding. I mean， who has not been to a wedding and， you know， gotten， you know， teary-eyed and so on？ So I think people do understand， you know， its about love and commitment. But many others felt that you should not be extending this olive branch. This couple had been rebuked already and should not put themselves in the line of fire again.

Michel：OK， what about the whole question of—we were talking earlier， Karen， about saving money. A lot of people， to save money， have been going the paperless route. And not just saving money—for some people its an ethical issue. They feel like if you can save the paper， why not save the paper？ So where are you on the digital invitation？

Karen：Oh， Im afraid I am not in favor of the digital wedding invitation. For birthday parties， sure. For potlucks， fine. For alumni get-togethers， no problem. I think weddings are different. You know， theyre imbued with this sense of ceremony. Theyre looked at as milestones. Thats something that me， fogey that I am， would like to keep. And so I would like my wedding invitation to arrive in the mail with a stamp and a response envelope—that also has a stamp on it.

Michel：（laughs） OK. All right. Steven—another Twitter question for you—Jenna （ph） in Syracuse， New York， says， do I have to choose a maid of honor？ Im hesitant to pick a favorite out of my three best friends.

Steven：No， Jenna does not. Really， what maids of honor do are commanders in chief， and the more the merrier. Youll just give them more tasks to do， and itll be an easier wedding for you. So no decision need to be made that way.

Michel：Karen， finally—bridezilla…（laugh） If there is a bridezilla in your world who keeps giving you orders and， you know， demanding things and， you know， bachelorette weekends in Vegas and things of—just kind of a level of， you know， obedience that you perhaps were not signed up for.（langhs） What do you do？

Karen：I think you do what you can， when you can and the rest of it you have to let slide. You know it really—the bridezillas excuse is， this is the most important day of my life， and it has to be perfect. Well， if this is the most important day of your life， what does that say about the day your children are born， you know， the day you get the advanced degree you want， the day you find out youre cancerfree？ I mean， there are a lot of wonderful things one hopes that lie ahead for you， and the wedding is sort of a little punctuation point. But marriage may be， if youre lucky， for way longer than that. So focus more on the marriage， less on the wedding.

Michel：Thank you both so much.

Karen：Thanks， Michel.

Steven：Bye， Michel. Bye， Karen.

米歇爾·馬丁（主持人）：又到了結(jié)婚的旺季。你可能會(huì)接到兩三場(chǎng)婚禮的邀約。因此關(guān)于婚禮——這是人生中最讓人感到壓力山大的事件之一，那么是為什么呢？好吧，這是因?yàn)槿藗儾欢萌绾卧诨槎Y上表現(xiàn)嗎？所以我們?cè)俅握?qǐng)來了兩個(gè)最受歡迎的導(dǎo)師，告訴我們?nèi)绾巫尰槎Y順利進(jìn)行。他們也會(huì)回答你們?cè)谖⒉┲薪o我們留言的問題。再一次和我們?cè)谝黄鸬模鞘返俜摇け说昧_。他在給《華盛頓郵報(bào)》的禮儀專欄寫建議，也是《史蒂芬·彼得羅完整的同性戀行為》的作者。歡迎再次回來。

史蒂芬·彼得羅：很高興和你在一起聊天。

米歇爾：今天再次來到我們節(jié)目的，還有凱倫·格里格斯比·貝茨。她是禮儀書《非裔美國(guó)人基礎(chǔ)學(xué)——現(xiàn)代家庭教育》的作者，也是美國(guó)國(guó)家公共電臺(tái)的記者。凱倫·格里格斯比·貝茨，也歡迎你的再次到來。

凱倫·格里格斯比·貝茨：謝謝你，米歇爾。

米歇爾：那么凱倫，讓我先來問你，你經(jīng)常被問到的一些問題是什么？

凱倫：人們總是問的其中一個(gè)問題是：我接到了所謂的婚禮邀請(qǐng)，但是我不能去參加，需要送一份禮物過去嗎？

米歇爾：真的嗎？你認(rèn)為為什么這樣的問題會(huì)頻繁出現(xiàn)？

凱倫：因?yàn)楝F(xiàn)代人的經(jīng)濟(jì)很緊張。婚禮總是一個(gè)接著一個(gè)來，人們總是為此憂心忡忡。我們現(xiàn)在正處于婚禮旺季的開始。我認(rèn)為從五月中旬到八月下旬、九月上旬都會(huì)有許多婚禮會(huì)進(jìn)行。

米歇爾：那么這個(gè)問題怎么解決呢？

凱倫：好吧，我總是說婚禮的邀請(qǐng)不是等價(jià)交換物。……