放鴿子之樂

By Maggie Puniewska

If youve lived and breathed and owned a phone in the 21st century， chances are high that youve participated in what I like to call cancel-reschedule ping-pong： You make plans but somebody has to bail，1 so you move the date； sometimes it only takes one reschedule to pin things down， but some encounters stretch into full-on tournament mode， each of you lobbing proposed times at each other until youre both fatigued by the whole thing.2 Things go one of two ways： Either you eventually abandon the meetup， or you let it sink further and further into the future， hoping that one day， by some astrological miracle， your calendars will finally align.3

Its annoying， sure， but if youre being honest with yourself， doesnt it also feel at least a little good to bail？ Comedian John Mulaney once quipped： “In terms of instant relief， canceling plans is like heroin… such instant joy.”4 I cant disagree. As a reformed former chronic canceler， I knew that feeling all too well—the relief that would flood me like an endorphin rush after I flaked on brunches， after-work drinks， Tinder dates， yoga classes， and networking events.5

And I never had to search too hard for justification， either. The internet is rife with guides on how to reschedule （like an adult， gracefully， professionally， without feeling guilty）， explainers on why people are flaky，6 and articles proclaiming that making plans is too hard because were all busy and stressed. But eventually， I began to wonder why I enjoyed it so much. These are my friends， and these are activities I supposedly want to do； why， then， did I feel more at ease than sorry when I bailed？

Lets get one thing out of the way： Social anxiety can play a role， but just because you choose canceling more than going out doesnt necessarily mean you have a sign of the condition. “With social anxiety， you have a fear of being judged or rejected in social situations，” says Simon Rego， chief of psychology at Montefiore Medical Center in the Bronx.7 “A lot of people with anxiety disorders manage their triggers8 with avoidance， and feel relieved when they dont have to enter a situation thats challenging for them.”

But neurobiologist Amy Banks， a therapist specializing in relational disconnection and the author of Wired to Connect， explains that its perfectly normal to feel a little bit of dread before social functions.9 People with social anxiety may continue to feel distressed throughout； for most people， though， those worries typically dissipate once theyre there and in the groove.10 The challenge is in getting to that point.

According to Banks， one explanation for the joy of canceling is pretty straightforward： Some peoples schedules really are just that demanding， and flaking on plans is the easiest path to some much-needed downtime11.“A lot of people underestimate how much they can take on， so canceling feels good because they just have too much going on and actually really need a night off，” she says.

Its also possible that the joy you find in canceling is more a reflection of how you feel about the person youre canceling on. “We might have relationships that dont really feel mutual or equal， like when someone constantly hijacks the conversation or is condescending，”12 Banks explains. “Meeting up with those people might be stressful or draining13， so we might experience relief when canceling because we dont feel great about seeing them.” If thats the case， she adds， you should spend some time figuring out if this is a connection that you want to work on improving or one that its okay to let go of， even temporarily.

And when the person in question is someone you rarely see face-to-face， it can feel like a monumental effort to make the leap from keeping tabs over social media to real-life interactions—compared to the ease of sending an occasional text or scrolling through an Instagram feed， in-person meetups can feel messy and inconvenient.14“People feel that their needs for contact are met by keeping up with their [phone] so， being with people [in person] becomes burdensome，”says Sherry Turkle， director of the MIT Initiative on Technology and Self and the author of Reclaiming Conversation.15 “Meeting up can be stressful， but online or via text， our relationships are tidy： We can hide what we want to hide and evade people when things get uncomfortable.”

The flip side of this， of course， is that if a friendship exists primarily in the digital world， ditching your in-person plans can feel like an inconsequential act.16“When we cancel plans online， we dont have to see or hear the others disappointment or sadness，” Rego says. “When you have to encounter that person and their emotional reaction face-to-face， it becomes harder to bail， because you really have to process that youre making someone potentially feel bad.”

But heres what I wish I knew during my own stint17 as a chronic flake： The best way to break the habit is to just make fewer plans. If youre really busy—and I mean truly engulfed in18 obligations， not just pretending to be busy—then dont commit to things you wont have the energy to follow through on. And either way， as Banks puts it，“Dont make plans with people you feel ambivalent19 about.” It robs you of that sweet sensation of relief that comes from sending a “something came up” text， but its also much kinder—to the other person， yes， but also to your future self.20 Eventually， rescheduling ping-pong just gets exhausting.

1. ping-pong：〈口〉踢皮球；bail：〈非正式〉違背承諾，爽約。

2. 有時只需重新計劃一次就能敲定日程，但有時，有些計劃發(fā)展成了激烈的錦標(biāo)賽模式，你們都像吊高球一樣把約定時間往后拖，直到雙方都精疲力竭。pin down： 明確，確定；full-on：（表示最大程度）完全的，最強(qiáng)烈的；tournament： 錦標(biāo)賽；lob： （網(wǎng)球等）吊高球。

3. astrological： 占星術(shù)的；align：使一致，匹配。

4. John Mulaney： 約翰·木蘭尼（1982— ），美國男演員、編劇、制片人；quip： 嘲弄，打趣；heroin： 海洛因。

5. 作為一個改過自新的曾經(jīng)常常取消計劃的人，我太了解這種感覺了。在我取消了早午餐、下班后的酒局、Tinder約會、瑜伽課程以及社交活動等一系列日程之后，我感覺輕松舒暢，仿佛全身都涌動著安多酚快感。chronic： 習(xí)慣性的，積習(xí)難改的；endorphin rush： 安多酚快感。安多酚，又稱內(nèi)啡肽，體內(nèi)產(chǎn)生的一種有鎮(zhèn)痛作用的荷爾蒙，能使人愉悅；flake on： 放鴿子，下文中的flake是美國俚語，指行為古怪的人；Tinder： 國外的一款手機(jī)交友軟件。

6. rife with： 充斥著；flaky： 古怪的，健忘的。

7. Montefiore Medical Center： 蒙特非奧里醫(yī)療中心；Bronx： 布朗克斯，紐約市最北端的一區(qū)。

8. trigger： 起因，誘因。

9. neurobiologist： 神經(jīng)生物學(xué)家；therapist：治療專家；Wired to Connect： 《沉迷交往》，作者在書中提出，一個人只有通過建立良好的人際關(guān)系才能最大限度地了解自身潛能；dread： 恐懼，擔(dān)心。

10. dissipate： 消散；in the groove： 得心應(yīng)手，處于最佳狀態(tài)。

11. downtime： 休息時間，閑暇時間。

12. hijack a conversation： 劫持對話，通常指交談中一方只顧自己滔滔不絕，對方根本插不進(jìn)話；condescending： 居高臨下的。

13. draining： 令人疲憊的，耗人的。

14. 而如果這個你拿不準(zhǔn)的人和你很少見面，那么你會感覺需要極大的努力，才能讓你們的關(guān)系從社交媒體上的彼此關(guān)注跨越到面對面的真實交流。和偶爾發(fā)送消息或瀏覽Instagram圖片評論的輕松相比，見面可能會讓人感到棘手又麻煩。monumental： 極大的；keep tabs over：密切關(guān)注；scroll through： 瀏覽；feed： 消息推送。

15. burdensome： 煩人的；Sherry Turkle： 雪莉·特克爾（1948— ），麻省理工學(xué)院社會學(xué)教授，哈佛大學(xué)社會學(xué)和人格心理學(xué)博士，臨床心理學(xué)家；MIT Initiative on Technology and Self： 麻省理工學(xué)院科技與自我創(chuàng)新中心；Reclaiming Conversation：《重拾交談》，作者在書中指出了網(wǎng)絡(luò)交互對人際關(guān)系和創(chuàng)造力的破壞，以及面對面交流的好處。

16. 而另一方面，如果一段友誼主要依存于數(shù)碼世界，放棄和他人見面的計劃就會令人感覺無關(guān)緊要。flip side： 另一方面；ditch： 放棄；inconsequential： 無關(guān)緊要的，不重要的。

17. stint： 期限，工作任期。

18. be engulfed in： 被淹沒，使深陷于。

19. ambivalent： 含糊不清的，模棱兩可的。

20. 雖然這樣做不會再讓你在發(fā)送“臨時有事”的信息后感到如釋重負(fù)的愉悅，但其實這樣會更加友好——不僅是對對方，也是對未來的自己。