絕對虛假，相對真實

At the age of ten I read a sci-fi novel about robots. In it， the protagonist1 was a happy， normal wife and mother of three until one day she discovered a journal in the attic of her house. At first， she thought it was a journal she wrote a long time ago but forgot about， as it talks about the things that happened in her life. But as she reads more and more into it， she realizes that she is not a person—she is a robot， built as a replacement for the original woman who died of cancer at a young age. There was a memory stick installed in her mechanical brain， and her body simulated2 that of a normal human. She was only a high-tech tool to comfort the womans kids， a way to hide the fact that their mother died before they could remember. Her parts lay in a small box in the corner of a factory until the husband bought and assembled them and gave her a “past”. This fact shattered3 her heart. She was not who she thought she was， she was not “herself”， and she didnt even have a self. As a child， I cried my eyes out for her misfortune.

I was so in love with the book that I sat down with my parents and asked them a serious question： Am I a robot that you bought to replace your dead daughter？ They started laughing and it became one of my most well-known childhood anecdotes4， but at the same time I would never know the true answer to this question. In fact， I wouldnt ever know if the whole world around me was just a scene in a movie and everyone was a robot designed to play along.5 Even I could be a robot designed to question myself and think critically. The ultimate question would be， how can I know who I really am？

Whatever answers we give to ourselves all go on in our brains， and are thus unreliable if we are not really humans with functioning brains. We are always trying to think “outside of the box” inside the box， so can we ever get to the level of understanding deep and subjective enough to know reality？

Growing up Ive always had extremely realistic dreams—the ones that make you stare blankly at the wall when you wake up， confused and startled because you cant quite differentiate between the dream and reality just yet.6 I am usually amazed by the brains ability to create “experiences” so similar to what we feel in real life that it almost seems like a parallel universe. However， sometimes I do start questioning myself： How do I know that I am not living in a dream right now？ Or worse， how do I know whether I am really experiencing my happiness and sorrow or if I am just a lunatic7 living in her head？ I see my fingers in front of my eyes typing on the keyboard， but how do I know that my fingers are really my fingers or that I am really writing an essay about subjective reality？ Of course， it will be quite terrible to suddenly wake up from a dream and realize that all of these words are not actually typed on my computer， but only existed in a dream， and that I need to write everything all over again. However， there seems to be no substantial8 way to prove that I am really writing this essay and sometime later YOU are really reading an essay written by a student all the way across the country.

Our worlds are largely built on experiences， which come from sense perceptions9. What we perceive becomes our subjective experience， which later molds into our world view. Some people may argue that things like imagination are not limited to our senses， but I would say that imagination depends on previous knowledge. For example， when we see aliens in Hollywood movies， they usually have eyes as big as a bees nest and a head like the shape of an upside-down triangle. They do look very peculiar， but all of the features of this creature， such as eyes and hands， come from our self-identity as humans. Even the basic concepts like color or form are all based on our descriptions and measurements of the world.

However， it is also well-known that illusions10 are a common factor in our sense perceptions. Artists can design still pictures in certain ways that make the observer believe that graphics in the picture are moving. Looking at the same sculpture or painting from different angles can leave completely different， even opposite impressions. It is not only our eyes that trick us. In fact， every one of the five major senses—vision， smell， touch， taste and hearing—can give us misunderstandings about the world. Using the same logic， a question came to my mind—if I take a step back and confirm that I am in fact experiencing reality， is there a way to make sure that I am experiencing this reality correctly and completely？ How can I know if my past experiences， aka11 my memories， are real？ Can the fallibility12 of our sense perceptions hinder us from ever knowing what is true and what is not？

There is a saying that “you are alone in your brain.” As I mentioned before， from my perspective， there is no way to truly confirm objective reality， because we are inside whatever reality this is. We can easily be living in a computer simulation made by creatures with a higher level of intelligence. The universe can just be a big black box with models of planets inside， with the other creatures occasionally peeking inside our little lives when they are bored.

Of course， not knowing whether we live in reality doesnt mean that we absolutely must not be living in reality. But this brings us to a struggle between choosing to continue what we are doing in our comfort zones and pursuing an ultimate “reality” we can never truly find.

Honestly speaking， even if someone confirmed to me that the world I am living in right now is not reality， it would be hard to let go. How is it worth it to give up my family， my friends and even my enemies who make my not-so-perfect life so interesting and worth living？ How many of us really have the courage to start another life all over again for something so vague and distant as “truth”？13

The funny thing is， maybe we dont have to make a decision after all. Maybe there is no conflict between pursuing truth and staying comfortable where we are. In fact， pursuing truth is an essential part of living comfortably in this reality. I dont like the argument that humans exist just to reproduce and reproduce and reproduce. I believe that we exist because we keep seeking things—things beyond what we can perceive and things even beyond what we can imagine. Subjective reality is so tempting for us because we try our very best to figure out and analyze every single piece of this world in order to lead better lives and fulfill our own curiosity. It is this desire to seek further and better that keeps us going. As for now， we are seeking objective truth， which in my limited understanding is unachievable. This doesnt mean we should stop seeking “whats next.” In fact， it doesnt even matter if we are not in reality—I dont care if I am just a lunatic inside of my own brain. As long as I am thinking and pursuing， as long as I am experiencing， then the journey is worth it.

1. protagonist： 主角，主要人物。

2. simulate： 模仿，假裝。

3. shatter： 粉碎，打碎。

4. anecdote： 軼事，奇聞。

5. 事實上，我永遠都不會知道我周圍的世界是否只是電影中的一個場景，而其中的每個人是否只是合作演出的機器人。

6. 在成長的過程中我做過許多無比真實的夢——夢醒時分，我困惑而震驚地對著墻發呆，分不清剛剛的經歷到底是真實存在還是南柯一夢。differentiate： 區分，區別。

7. lunatic： 瘋子，瘋人。

8. substantial： 大量的，實質的。

9. sense perception： 感官知覺 ，感知。10. illusion： 幻覺，錯覺。

11. aka： =also known as，又名，亦稱。

12. fallibility： 易誤，不可靠。

13. 到底有多少人會愿意為了虛無縹緲的所謂真理放棄原有的生活，從零開始？

我叫王禹靜，高中在讀，熱愛寫作，最大的愿望是能用文字留得往事成回憶。小時候腦子里莫名出現過一個想法：如果我只是個活在夢境里的人怎么辦？十幾年過去，我糾糾結結還是沒能找到這個問題的答案。反過頭來細想，這個問題本來就無解，生活的快樂和延續也并不需要建立在它的對錯之上。旅行的意義不是終點，而是旅行本身。生命可能就是一場盛大的旅行吧……