作文如何“適當(dāng)增加細(xì)節(jié)”

龔磊 陳慈明

高考英語(yǔ)作文寫作提示中有“可以適當(dāng)增加細(xì)節(jié)，以使行文連貫”的要求。但是，在考場(chǎng)上不少同學(xué)要么覺得無(wú)話可說(shuō)，草草結(jié)束；要么僅羅列漢語(yǔ)提示中的要點(diǎn)，難免使文章讀起來(lái)干巴巴的，缺少生氣。要想使文章有血有肉，充實(shí)豐盈，就應(yīng)該在緊扣話題和要點(diǎn)的基礎(chǔ)上合理“添加細(xì)節(jié)”。筆者認(rèn)為，以下四種辦法，可以幫助同學(xué)們有效展開文章，完成寫作任務(wù)。

[追加成分，擴(kuò)展句子]

在閱讀理解中遇到長(zhǎng)句子時(shí)，我們要學(xué)會(huì)通過(guò)找句子主干，把長(zhǎng)句子縮短；而在寫作文時(shí)，我們則要反其道而行，針對(duì)目標(biāo)句子，我們?cè)谝c(diǎn)基礎(chǔ)上適當(dāng)添加合乎邏輯的附加成分，如定語(yǔ)（從句）、狀語(yǔ)（從句）、非謂語(yǔ)結(jié)構(gòu)、獨(dú)立主格等成分，使表達(dá)更清晰，主題更突出。

例1 高考臨近，學(xué)習(xí)時(shí)間變緊，任務(wù)加重，很多同學(xué)內(nèi)心壓力大，學(xué)習(xí)效率低下。請(qǐng)為即將舉行的班會(huì)寫一篇英語(yǔ)演講稿，談?wù)勀銓?duì)保持良好的精神狀態(tài)，高效而健康地進(jìn)行復(fù)習(xí)備考的建議。要點(diǎn)如下：堅(jiān)持鍛煉；合理計(jì)劃；注重飲食。

要點(diǎn)拓展如下：

1. 堅(jiān)持鍛煉

普通表達(dá)：We should keep on doing exercise.

高級(jí)表達(dá)：To keep up good spirits and prepare for the big day efficiently and healthily， we are advised to do regular workout， building up our bodies.

2. 合理計(jì)劃

普通表達(dá)：We should have proper study plan.

高級(jí)表達(dá)：Never hesitate to make an organized and proper schedule， which contributes much to the accomplishment of our academic assignments.

3. 注重飲食

普通表達(dá)：we should pay special attention to our diet as well.

高級(jí)表達(dá)：Certainly， keeping a balanced diet， we are bound to feel energetic and dynamic， which serves the most essential functions.

點(diǎn)評(píng) 在對(duì)所給要點(diǎn)進(jìn)行簡(jiǎn)要分析之后，就應(yīng)考慮使用哪些詞語(yǔ)和句式，從而符合五檔作文所要求的“有高級(jí)詞匯和高級(jí)句式”的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)。在以上三個(gè)要點(diǎn)的處理上，通過(guò)添加高級(jí)詞匯如efficiently and healthily， regular workout， organized and proper schedule， academic assignments， feel energetic and dynamic， essential以及分詞結(jié)構(gòu)、定語(yǔ)從句等成分，充分?jǐn)U充了句子，不僅篇幅更長(zhǎng)，亮點(diǎn)也更多了。

[補(bǔ)加語(yǔ)句，充實(shí)文章]

根據(jù)作文的行文走向，適當(dāng)增加一些與主題相關(guān)的語(yǔ)句，或根據(jù)作文題目中提示的要點(diǎn)，恰如其分地衍生出一些句子，即能夠起到“前引后聯(lián)”的作用，又可以補(bǔ)充一些相關(guān)信息，幫助讀者理解所寫內(nèi)容。此外，還可以起到協(xié)調(diào)句式，避免單調(diào)的作用。

例2 假定你是李華，你的朋友湯姆得知中國(guó)學(xué)生數(shù)學(xué)成績(jī)總體優(yōu)于英國(guó)學(xué)生，所以他想知道中國(guó)數(shù)學(xué)教與學(xué)的情況，請(qǐng)你寫一封郵件回復(fù)他。要點(diǎn)如下：課堂學(xué)習(xí)時(shí)間；作業(yè)量；課外學(xué)習(xí)等。

要點(diǎn)拓展如下：

1. 課堂學(xué)習(xí)時(shí)間

A special Chinese high school student usually has seven math classes per week， and some schools even offer nine classes for math， in which teachers often address key points and most common problems theyve found in students homework handed in recently.

2. 作業(yè)量

Due to teachers immediately feedback on their homework， the majority of the students are able to have a good command of their learning materials， even though the workload is quite huge.

3. 課外學(xué)習(xí)

Besides homework， some students also manage to spend extra time reviewing what theyve learned in class and get their notes organized. The revision style varies， but there is a common belief among students that math is of great importance. As a result， they devote quantities of time to it.

點(diǎn)評(píng) 該作文題所給提示并不多。在完成該作文前，同學(xué)們要考慮以下幾個(gè)問題：

1. 課堂學(xué)習(xí)時(shí)間是多還是少？每周有多少節(jié)課？

2. 作業(yè)量是大還是小？每天有多少？

3. 課外學(xué)生都有哪些課外活動(dòng)來(lái)學(xué)習(xí)數(shù)學(xué)？

通過(guò)有針對(duì)性地對(duì)目標(biāo)進(jìn)行分析，我們要為自己的作文找到拓展的方向。前文中畫線部分均為結(jié)合文章發(fā)展走向衍生出的句子，所添加的句子在句式結(jié)構(gòu)上也不盡相同。

此外，我們還可以根據(jù)實(shí)際情況添加一兩句名言警句來(lái)點(diǎn)綴文章，使評(píng)分再上一個(gè)檔次。

例3 Were I three years younger than I am now， I would strongly recommend that I set more practical and specific goals. As an old saying goes， living without a clear and achievable aim is like sailing without a compass. Compared with many abstract objectives， practical ones can bring us more courage and confidence whenever we make one step forward.

點(diǎn)評(píng) Living without a clear and achievable aim is like sailing without a compass. 這個(gè)句子盡管結(jié)構(gòu)并不復(fù)雜，屬于“主—系—表”結(jié)構(gòu)，但該句采用了類比這一修辭手法，將無(wú)目標(biāo)的生活比作無(wú)指南針的航海，頓時(shí)使人生目標(biāo)形象起來(lái)。

[添加過(guò)渡，條理清晰]

在寫作當(dāng)中，恰當(dāng)使用一些銜接手段，包括使用過(guò)渡詞和過(guò)渡句，可以使文章嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)、流暢、富有節(jié)奏。

例4 假定你是李華，你校攝影俱樂部（photography club）將舉辦國(guó)際中學(xué)攝影展。請(qǐng)給你的英國(guó)朋友Peter寫封信，請(qǐng)他提供作品。信的內(nèi)容包括：

1.主題：環(huán)境保護(hù)；

2.展覽時(shí)間；

3.投稿郵箱：intlphotoshow@gmschool.com。

注意：

1.詞數(shù)100左右；

2.可以適當(dāng)增加細(xì)節(jié)，以使行文連貫。

Dear Peter，

Our school photography club is going to hold an International High School student Photography Show. As far as I know， the theme of the show is environmental protection. Actually， I know you are gifted in taking good pictures and have always wanted to do something for environmental protection. I clearly remember you showed me some photos on that theme the last time you visited our school. In addition， it will start from June 15th and last three weeks and what makes us excited is that any student who is interested can participate in it. In a word， I firmly believe that this is surely a good chance for more people to see them. If you want to join， please send your photos to intlphotoshow@gm.school.com.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Yours，

Li Hua

點(diǎn)評(píng) 本篇范文很好地完成了要求，要點(diǎn)擴(kuò)充合情合理。全文句式多樣化，并沒有一直使用陳述句，而是穿插使用祈使句等多種句式，符合邀請(qǐng)函的特點(diǎn)。文章中使用了較多的復(fù)合句，如定語(yǔ)從句any student who is interested can participate in it，時(shí)間狀語(yǔ)從句... the last time you visited our school，條件狀語(yǔ)從句If you want to join ...等，體現(xiàn)出不錯(cuò)的駕馭英語(yǔ)的能力。

此外， 本文使用了as far as I know，in addition，in a word，等過(guò)渡短語(yǔ)，巧妙地將三個(gè)要點(diǎn)“主題、展覽時(shí)間、投稿郵箱”串聯(lián)起來(lái)，使閱卷老師對(duì)作者表述的意思一目了然，同時(shí)也增強(qiáng)了文章的條理。

我們寫作當(dāng)中經(jīng)常會(huì)用到的過(guò)渡語(yǔ)有：first of all， to begin/start with， in the first place， first and foremost， second（ly）， furthermore， moreover， whats more， in addition， besides， but， however， on the contrary， nonetheless， in contrast/comparison， nevertheless， hence， therefore， in conclusion， to conclude， in a word， last but not least等。

[重點(diǎn)突出，詳加描述]

在對(duì)文章進(jìn)行展開時(shí)，除了可以采用前文提到的添加追加成分、過(guò)渡成分來(lái)拓展句子外，我們還可以根據(jù)題目提示，確定整篇文章的主要點(diǎn)和次要點(diǎn)，在主要點(diǎn)上著力發(fā)揮，次要點(diǎn)表述清楚即可，不用過(guò)多渲染。

例4 讀下面圖畫，按要求用英語(yǔ)寫一篇詞數(shù)為120左右的短文。

內(nèi)容包括：

描述畫面；

概述其含義；

談?wù)剛€(gè)人感想。

鑿壁偷光

注意：

1. 短文開頭已給出，不計(jì)入總詞數(shù)；

2. 可以適當(dāng)增加細(xì)節(jié)，以使行文連貫；

3. 短文中不能出現(xiàn)與本人相關(guān)的信息。

In the picture， we can see a boy in worn clothes，who was reading a book with full attention. He was sitting at a shabby wooden table with a pile of books on it and a weak ray of light came in through a small hole in the wall.

This is a well-known story from an ancient Chinese idiom. The boy， being poor， couldnt afford even a candle， so he bored a hole in the wall to “steal” light from his neighbors house to read at night. The moral of the story is that we should spare no effort to acquire knowledge and never get discouraged easily no matter how difficult the situation may be.

Of course， things are totally different today. It is not the story itself but what is reflected in the story that counts. Hard work pays off. We should take pains to improve ourselves through learning and get prepared for the future.

點(diǎn)評(píng) 該篇習(xí)作語(yǔ)言豐富，表達(dá)準(zhǔn)確，結(jié)構(gòu)清晰，過(guò)渡自然，尤其在內(nèi)容的安排和取舍上，處理得十分恰當(dāng)。本題的三個(gè)要點(diǎn)中，要點(diǎn)3是本文的重頭戲，體現(xiàn)了高考作文題的“思想性”，本文對(duì)此著重“潑墨”，所占篇幅幾乎為全文篇幅一半，要點(diǎn)2次之；針對(duì)要點(diǎn)1，本文對(duì)圖片僅需作簡(jiǎn)要描述，一句話即可。

“不積小流，無(wú)以成江河；不積跬步，無(wú)以至千里”。要想寫出高質(zhì)量的考場(chǎng)作文，就需要“適當(dāng)添加細(xì)節(jié)”。而細(xì)節(jié)的增加需要從實(shí)際需要出發(fā)，結(jié)合作文的題材、體裁以及題中給出的要點(diǎn)，“畫龍點(diǎn)睛”式地添加，不要信口開河，更不能夠信馬由韁、亂加一氣，最終偏離主題，給閱卷老師留下“該寫的不寫，不該寫的寫得過(guò)多”的不良印象。