機器人狂想曲

什么是“腦洞大開”？

看完本文，你就知道什么才是真正的“腦洞大開”！首先，主人公是一個人，然后他假設自己是一個機器人，住在英格蘭海岸邊的一個農舍里，夢想著成為一只貓咪，一只不被主人賞識的貓咪。很奇特吧？這樣奇葩的腦回路，加上令人忍俊不禁的細節描寫，讓這曲機器人狂想曲顯得歡快激昂。

If I were a robot， I would probably not kill all humans.

Emphasis[強調] on the “probably” part， because I’m not making any absolute guarantees[保證] about my behavior[行為] as a robot. I wouldn’t want to limit myself in that way. I don’t necessarily know what I’d be like as a robot. And while I don’t want to kill all humans now， who knows how I’ll feel once I’m in robotic[機器人的] form？

Like， say I’m a robot and I go to see that movie The Artist， and then someone’s like， “Hey， robot Oliver， did you like that movie The Artist？”

And I’d say， “Like？ Such a comment[評論] does not input[輸入] with me. It was a succession[一連串] of filmed images projected[投射] at 28 frames[幀] per second. I chose to watch it in infrared[紅外線] because I never get to use my infrared goggles[護目鏡].”

“Yeah， but did you like it？” whoever will say.

“Like？” I’d say， and Jesus， do you see how annoying[令人惱火的] this conversation is getting already？ I’d kill the person to make it stop and then I’d have to go kill all the other humans to avoid[避免] getting in trouble for killing the original[最初的] human. Anyway， where was I？

After killing the humans， I think I’d build a cottage[小農舍] with a thatched[茅草蓋的] roof， on the coast of England somewhere， by the cliffs of Dover. I’ve always wanted to live in a cottage， and as a robot， I’d have time to build one. Because the thing about being a robot is that you don’t get old and you don’t die， so you have time to do stuff…And then， once the cottage was done， I’d read all the great books， I guess， while not really“liking” them or understanding them…

God， being a robot sounds awful， actually， when you think about it. Never getting old？ Never dying？ The thought sounds appealing[吸引人的] for one， two seconds. But then， what meaning does life have if one can never taste death and other such existential[存在的] questions？ Not being able to die would be like never being able to go to sleep…Have you ever thought about that， never being able to go to sleep？ This is actually a parable[寓言] that you’re not totally getting； but don’t worry about that， not right now. Anyway—not being able to sleep. It’d be awful. Things would go on and on. Robots never sleep.

Instead of being a robot who can’t sleep like that， I’d rather be a cat. A little kitty. Oh， I’d be a good cat； the best cat you’ve ever seen. I’d be a tortoise-shell[龜甲]. I wouldn’t be an indoor cat， but I wouldn’t be an outdoor cat either， not exactly. I’d be inbetween， just a cat， but my owners would have a cat-house on the porch with an electric blanket[電熱毯] for when it got cold， so that I could be not-inside， but also nearby at all times. And there， I would dream my dreamy cat dreams. First， you flex[收縮] your cat paws， then you pounce[猛撲] and catch the mouse， but you’re just dreaming the whole time， well， aren’t you？

For breakfast， I would eat breakfast， and then I would hunt. I’d catch baby bunnies[小兔子] in the yard； they’re very prevalent[普遍的] in the Spring； more baby bunnies than you could ever imagine. I would catch one and then leave it on my master’s porch—you have this expectant[期待的] look when you leave them a bunny or a mouse， but then， you’re always disappointed. With your tender[溫柔的] eyes， you’re like—Look！ Look please at what I have done！ But then the children just turn away， appalled[驚駭的]， and then it’s all very disappointing.

And after that， I’d sleep again， and flex， but I’m not a cat， am I？

I’m not a cat. I’m a robot. I was a robot the whole time. It was a dream that I had； I lied when I said that robots couldn’t sleep.

I was a robot the whole time， living on the coast of England， dreaming that I was a cat. It’s just a dream； sad. A single cybernetic[控制論的] tear trickles[滴] down my aluminum-alloy[鋁合金] cheek.

如果我是個機器人的話，我可能不會殺光全人類。重點在“可能”這個部分，因為作為一個機器人，我可沒法對自己的行為做絕對的保證。我也不想那樣限制自己的自由。我不太需要知道自己作為一個機器人會是什么樣子。而且盡管我現在還不想殺死全人類，誰知道一旦我進入機器人模式后，我的感覺會是怎樣的呢？

比如說，我是個機器人，去看那部名為《藝術家》的電影，接著某人說道：“嗨，機器人奧利弗，你喜歡那部叫《藝術家》的電影嗎？”

而我會說：“喜歡？我可沒被輸入過這樣的評論。它就是一連串拍攝好的影像被以每秒二十八幀的速度投射出來。我之所以選擇以紅外線模式觀看它，只是因為我從來沒用過我的紅外線護目鏡而已。”

“是啊，但你喜歡它嗎？”其他隨便什么人會說。

“喜歡？”我會說，天啊，你沒發現這樣的對話已經變得多么讓人厭煩了嗎？……