生命不能承受之憫

She was maybe six years old， smiling and ladylike[如淑女的] in a gauzy[薄紗的] white dress. The kind of dress that makes me want a daughter. The kind of smile that’s heavy on sugar and light on spice[香料， 調味品]. She walked up to my son， as he wheeled in the circles outside the sanctuary[教堂] after church， and planted herself squarely[正好] in front of his wheelchair. They studied each other closely. He waved hello.

And then， without taking her eyes from his face， she said， “I feel sorry for him.”

I felt it more than I heard it. Deep in my stomach， in that place right below my breastbone[胸骨]. The place where I keep all my fears and my sadness. I felt it like a kick in the ribs[肋骨].

Children ask all sorts of questions about my son.

Why is he in that？ Why can’t he walk？ What’s wrong with him？ Will he need that thing forever？

But questions are easy. For children，questions have answers.

“I feel sorry for him” is not a question. It is a statement[陳述] of fact. A revelation[揭露]. A public disclosure[披露] of something I know to be true. Although I fight against it and try to believe otherwise， I know that many people feel the same way. Many people who see my son， smiling and spinning[欺騙， 哄] and exploring his world， and they feel sorry. They feel sadness. But adults know how to filter[過濾]. We know what not to say. We know to bottle it up[隱藏，克制]. This little girl was a leak[漏洞] in the system.

A system that tells her my son’s wheelchair is “very sad.”

A system that tells her he is a “poor thing.”

A system that uses words like confined to[關在……里面]， suffers from[患……病] and bound[受約束的].

A system that prefers to see people like my son as victims[受害者]， as recipients[接受者] of charity[施舍]， as less-fortunates waiting to be healed，rather than seeing them as neighbors， colleagues[同事]， teachers and friends.

A system that tells her my son smiles “in spite of，” rather than simply because he too is a child and has access to[接近] all the same earthly wonders that she does.

Wonders like fireflies， and candlelight， and going fast， and little girls in gauzy white dresses.

So I stood there shocked out of my comfort and fumbling[摸索] around for words to make this right. I wanted so desperately[極度地] to undo[取消] the damage done by a system that is still learning to accept my son. But I was tongue-tied and clumsy[笨拙的] as I mumbled[含糊地說話] something about “not needing to feel sorry...” And I walked away feeling like a failure. As if this little girl represented[描述] the whole world and I had missed my chance to set the record straight.

I realized I am very small. I am only one person.

Then last week， sitting by the pool with my husband and my splashy[引人注目的] little boy， I heard it again. This time from a teen， maybe 19 years old. He had seen us there a few times. Today he had a girl with him. A girl he liked. I could tell. He gestured in our direction.

“Something’s wrong with that kid，” he whispered to her. “Did you see his back？ He can’t walk. So sad...”

I felt it more than I heard it. And I put my head down waiting for her reply. Her agreement. Her inevitable[必然的] recognition that， yes， my child’s life is very very sad.

“It’s not sad，” she said， looking at my son with so much kindness. “My brother was in the Special Olympics. Nothing sad about it. That kid is cute.”

And then my heart turned to mush[糊狀物] and I closed my eyes to keep from crying.

I wanted to hug her. I wanted to tell her how rare she is. And how lovely. I wanted to believe she was once a little girl in a gauzy white dress.

More than anything， I wanted to thank her for reminding me that I am not the only one who sees my son for who he is. Unconfined[無拘束的]， unbound[解除束縛的]， human.

I am only one person. But I am not alone.

那個小女孩約摸六歲大，穿著白色的薄紗裙，笑起來像個小淑女似的--那是一條讓我也想養個女兒的漂亮裙子，那是一個甜而不膩的純真笑靨。參加完禮拜之后，我兒子在教堂外面用輪椅轉圈圈；她走上前去，直接堵在他的輪椅前面。他倆湊到一起，互相打量著對方，他向她揮手打招呼。

而后，她并沒有將目光從他臉上移開，說道：“我很同情他。”

與其說我聽到了，不如說我感覺到了--在腹部深處，就在胸骨下面，那是我將所有的恐懼與悲傷封存起來的地方，感覺就像有人往我的肋骨狠狠踢了一腳。

孩子們總會對我兒子的情況提出各種各樣的問題。

他為什么坐在那里面？他為什么不能走路？他有什么毛病？他永遠離不開那個玩意兒嗎？

但是，問題還是很好辦的。對于小孩子來說，問題總會有答案。

“我很同情他”并不是一個問題，而是在陳述事實。這是一個被揭露出來的真相，是對一個我再清楚不過的事情進行公開披露。盡管我與之進行抗爭，努力讓自己不這么想，但我知道許多人都是這么認為的。許多見過我兒子的人都會面帶微笑，嘴里說著哄人的話，一邊探索他的世界--他們為他憐惜，他們為他難過。