Why Did They Stay

周媛

Recent years have seen a lot of women and children coming into the emergency room，with broken noses，fractured wrists and swollen eyes.In America，domestic abuse happens only in intimate，interdependent，long-term relationships and over85percent of abusers are men（Leslie Morgan Steiner）.In China，there were 94571 cases about domestic violence and 91.43percent of abusers are men from 2014 to 2016.

Frankly，domestic violence happens to everyone，no matter what his job or education level is.It’s really hard to recognize someone who is an abuser because the whole thing is like a psychological trap which is disguised as love.But actually how did it work？

You must be careful when someone begins to approach and adore you，for the first and foremost step for abusers is to seduce and charm the victims.The perpetrators are not these monsters who crawl out of the swamp and come into towns and do their nasty business and then retreat into the darkness.Perpetrators are more normal.I am not saying that you are supposed to push everyone away from your life.My point is that do not be cheated.Next，abusers will isolate them.For instance，abusers try to take victims to unfamiliar places so that they can’t look for help and have to be in their control.After that，the threat of violence will be introduced. Changes are that abusers will hold loaded guns to your head，push you down stairs，and threaten to kill you.

When it comes to this horrible topic，I strongly believe that many people will have a pretty negative attitude towards the abusers as well as the victims.People have a tendency to ask this question：Why would anyone stay with a man who beat her？Why did these women stay with these terrible men？To answer this common but disturbing question，I did some search on the Internet，got some information and then analyzed it.

The first dilemma：stay，or die.We have no idea how dangerous to leave an abuser.Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has ended the relationship for the reason that the abuser has nothing left to lose.A battered wife on video cried“My ex was trained by united states marine corps to hunt people down and kill them.He told me if I left，he would hunt me down and kill me.”What’s more，sometimes，abusers will threaten to kill people you really care and love.Victims have no option but to stay.They just want to live.Besides，other outcomes include long-term stalking，denial of financial resources and so on.They already walk headfirst into a carefully laid physical，financial and psychological trap so that turning back and leaving seems impossible.

Secondly，belief plays a vital role.Most Victims will believe abusers when they promise they won’t do it again.It is not weird because the violent behavior is such a drastic change from person we met in the beginning.A lady who finally killed her boyfriend said “Actually，I thought it was my fault in that moment.”People are constantly looking for the man in the very beginning instead of concentrating on the man that in front of them.This kind of spiral is vicious because abusers will intensify violence.In a relationship，one person begins to show his true self while the other refuses to believe the change.People tend to love the formal person or what they used to have.But the most evil thing is not that he hits you on and off，but he works hard to make you feel smaller day by day.

Last but not least，they stayed for acceptance and making a difference.Some victims accept that abusers are their Mr.Rights. They may not be threatened and are willing to stay because they think love is enough to conquer all，including abuse.In someone’s mind，marriage is forever，so being a failure is not allowed.Victims would rather help abusers to face the demons than just leave.However，it will not happen.After a lot of tries and still being stuck in an abusive relationship for a while，some people start to believe they deserve all of it.

Nevertheless，do you ever think about this：when we ask： Why did you stay，what we really want to say from the bottom of our hearts？The truth is we are blaming the victims for their abuse.Victim-blaming is pervasive in this realm.Actually，in domestic violence cases，we regard ourselves as bystanders.A bystander is defined as anybody who is not a perpetrator or a victim in a given situation.There are thousands of reasons for abusers to do cruel things so that we tend to tell victims to get away from the danger.In essence，we think it is none of our business and try to escape.But blaming victims and keeping silence are the biggest problem.Your silence is a form of consent and complicity. Abuse is not just illegal but totally wrong and unacceptable in the world.

All in all，facing domestic-violence problem，our thinking models should be adjusted changed.We are not bystanders and we have no right to blame victims.That’s to say，we shouldn’t ask why they stayed.As Martin Luther King said“In the end，what will hurt the most were not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends.”We are supposed to break silence because abuse thrives only in silence.