How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Children如何養育出情緒健康的孩子

達琳·朗瑟

Children learn who they are and how to identify， value， and communicate needs and feelings through interactions with their parents. Thus， how you communicate with your children is critical to the formation of their identity and to a large extent determines how secure their sense of self and self-esteem are. Here are traits of healthy families that allow children to develop into independent， functional adults： Free expression of thoughts， feelings， and observations; equality and fairness for all; healthy communication; reasonable rules; nurturing1 and supportive; healthy boundaries; problem solving.

As parents， here are seven key things you can do to ensure your children grow into independent adults：

Allow freedom of information

One of the main characteristics of healthy families and organizations， even countries， is freedom to express thoughts and observations. Secrets and no-talk2 rules are common in dysfunctional3 families. For instance， forbidding mention of grandma’s limp or daddy’s drinking teaches children to be fearful and to doubt their perceptions and themselves. Children are naturally inquisitive about everything. This is healthy and should be encouraged， not squelched4.

Show your children respect

Showing respect means that you listen and take them seriously， which communicates that who they are and what they think and feel have worth and merit. You don’t have to agree with what they say， but listening to understand shows that you respect them and teaches them self-respect. Speak to your children with courtesy. Avoid criticism， which is destructive to self-esteem.

Instead， praise the behavior you desire. You can set limits and explain negative consequences of behavior you dislike without name-calling5 or criticizing， such as， “It makes me and others angry when you tie up6 the bathroom for half an hour. We’re all kept waiting，” instead of， “You’re selfish and inconsiderate to tie up the bathroom.” When you treat your child with respect， they will treat others with respect.

Accept your children’s feelings

Many clients tell me that they weren’t allowed express anger， complain， feel sad， or even get excited. They learned to repress their feelings. This becomes problematic in their adult relationships and can lead to depression. With good intentions， often parents say， “Don’t feel sad， （or jealous， etc.）” or “Don’t raise your voice.” Allowing children to express their feelings provides a healthy outlet.

Feelings needn’t be rational， nor do you have to “fix” them. Instead， comfort your children and let them know you love them， rather than try to talk them out of how they feel. Expressing feelings doesn’t mean that they should be free to act on7 them. Tommy can be angry at his sister， but it’s not okay to hit her.

Respect your children’s boundaries

Respecting children’s thoughts and feelings is a way of respecting boundaries. Verbal abuse and attacks violate their boundaries， as does unwanted touch and sexual exposure or intimacy. This also includes tickling8 beyond a child’s comfort level. Additionally， children’s property， space， and privacy should be respected. Reading their mail or diary or talking to their friends behind their back9 are off-limits.

Allow children age-appropriate decisions， responsibility， and independence

Children need support in learning how to problem-solve and make decisions. Parents usually err on one extreme or the other. Many children must take on adult responsibilities too young and never learn to receive or rely on anyone. Some children are controlled or pampered10， become dependent and don’t learn to make their own choices， while others are given unlimited freedom without guidance.

Children resist control because they seek self-control. They naturally push for11 independence， which isn’t rebelliousness and should be encouraged. Age-appropriate limits teach them self-control. When they’re ready to test their wings， they need guidance to help them make their own decisions plus the freedom to make and learn from mistakes.

Have reasonable， predictable， humane rules and punishments

Children need a safe， predictable， and fair environment. When rules and punishments are arbitrary， harsh， or inconsistent， instead of learning from mistakes， children become angry and anxious， and learn to distrust their parents， authority， and others. Rules should be explicit and consistent， and parents need to be united.

Rather than base rules and punishments on emotions in the moment， think through what’s important and what is reasonably enforceable， which varies as children age and are more independent. Explain rules to older children， allow them to question you， and have good reasons to back up12 your decisions. Research has shown the physical punishment can lead to emotional problems in adulthood. The best punishments are reasonable， humane， and relate to the natural consequences of the wrong-doing.

Nurture your children

You can’t give them too much love and understanding. This isn’t spoiling them. Some parents use gifts or not setting limits to show love， but this isn’t a substitute for empathy and affection， which are necessary for children to grow into confident， loving adults.

孩子在和父母的互動中學會認識自我，學習如何確認、評估并和別人交流自己的需求與感受。因此，父母與孩子的溝通方式，對他們自我認同的形成至關重要，并在很大程度上決定了他們自我感覺和自尊的安全穩定程度。健康家庭能讓孩子成長為獨立的、積極生活的成年人，以下是這些家庭的特征：自由表達想法、感受，發表評論;平等、公平對待所有人;溝通順暢;規則合理;給予教養與支持;邊界明晰;解決問題。

父母可以做到以下7個關鍵方面，以確保孩子成長為獨立的個體：

允許信息自由

健康的家庭、組織，乃至國家，最主要的特征之一就是想法和評論的自由表達。關系失常的家庭中常常存在秘密和禁言規則。例如，禁止提及祖母跛足或父親酗酒，這只會讓孩子害怕，懷疑自己的認知及自我懷疑。孩子天性好奇，對一切事物都有探索的欲望。這種好奇心是健康的，應該鼓勵而非壓制。

尊重孩子

尊重孩子意味著能夠傾聽他們的想法，并認真地對待，這會讓孩子體會到自我的認知、想法和感受都是有價值、有優點的。你不必非要同意他們的觀點，但是以理解為目的的傾聽會讓他們感受到尊重，也將教會他們自重。有禮貌地與孩子講話，避免指責，因為指責會摧毀孩子的自尊。

與指責相反，當孩子的行為符合預期時，贊揚他們。你可以設定限制，并解釋你不喜歡的行為會導致的負面后果，但不要辱罵或指責。例如，可以說“你占用衛生間半個小時，這讓我和其他人都很生氣，因為我們都在等著使用衛生間”，但不要說“你很自私，不考慮別人，一直占用衛生間”。當你尊重孩子，他們就會同樣尊重他人。

接受孩子的感受

很多客戶告訴我，他們小時候不被允許表達憤怒、抱怨、傷心甚至興奮。他們學會了克制自己的感情，而這在成年后的關系中會造成問題，甚至會導致抑郁。父母常常會說“不要難過（或嫉妒等）”或者“不要提高聲音”，盡管他們的動機是善意的。允許孩子表達自己的感受，可以給孩子提供一個健康的宣泄出口。

感受不必是理性的，你也不必去“修正”感受。相反，你要安慰孩子，讓他們知道你愛他們，而不是試圖勸說他們走出自己的感受。然而，表達感受并不意味著他們可以任意隨感受行事。湯米可以和姐姐生氣，但不可以打姐姐。

尊重孩子的邊界

尊重孩子邊界的方式之一是尊重他們的想法和感受。言語辱罵和攻擊，正如非自愿的觸碰、暴露性器官或親密行為一樣，侵犯了孩子的邊界，這類行為還包括令孩子感到不舒服的呵癢。此外，孩子的個人物品、空間和隱私應當得到尊重。私自閱讀孩子的信件、日記，或背地里與他們的朋友談話，都是應該禁止的越界行為。

給孩子與其年齡相適應的決策權、責任和獨立性

孩子在學習怎樣解決問題、怎樣做決定方面需要支持，而父母常常走向兩個錯誤的極端。很多孩子很小時就必須承擔成年人的責任，從沒有學會去接受或依靠他人。有些孩子被父母控制或嬌生慣養，變得依賴父母，學不到怎樣自己做選擇，而另一些孩子在沒有引導的情況下被容許沒有限制的自由。

孩子抗拒父母的控制，是因為他們尋求自我掌控。奮力爭取獨立是他們的天性，這并不是叛逆，所以應當鼓勵。與年齡相適應的限制教會孩子自制。當孩子準備好初試羽翼時，他們需要父母的指導，來幫助他們做出自己的選擇，同時也需要有自由的空間去犯錯誤并從中吸取教訓。

設定合理的、可預見的、人道的規則和懲罰

孩子需要一個安全、可預測且公正的環境。當規則和懲罰隨意、苛刻或前后不一致，孩子非但不會從錯誤中吸取教訓，反而會生氣、焦慮，變得不信任父母、不信任權威、不信任他人。規則應該清楚明確、前后一致，而父母也需要聯合一致。

不要把規則和懲罰建立在一時的情緒上，要仔細思考什么是重要的、什么是可以合理地強制實施的，這兩者會隨著孩子逐漸長大獨立而改變。對大一點的孩子，要向他們解釋規則，允許質疑，并給他們合適的理由以支持你的決定。研究表明，體罰可能導致成年后的情感問題。最好的懲罰應該是合理的、人道的，并與所犯錯誤自然導致的結果相關。

教養孩子

你給孩子的愛和理解永遠不嫌多。這不是溺愛他們。有些父母用贈送禮物或不設限制來表達他們的愛，但這些并不能代替父母的共情與慈愛。孩子要成長為自信的、充滿愛的成年人，父母的共情與慈愛是必要條件。? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?