You are a Beacon for Others

By Han Songluo

Ove’s wife Sonia died of illness six months ago,and Ove wanted to follow her footsteps by taking his own life.However, his attempts to commit suicide were always interrupted by his neighbors.

Ove, at 59 years of age, has worked for the railways for 43 years and lived in his community for 30 years. Years of experience as a trackwalker have made him intolerant of any disorderly conduct. Carrying a grim face,he maintains everything in his neighborhood, making sure that behaviors like illegal car parking,scattering about things, disposal of waste without sorting, and driving on the sidewalk are minimized.

After the death of his wife, he started spending his life inside an airtight protective cocoon,displaying no sign of emotion to others. Even when he looked after his neighbor’s children, he would keep a straight face; and after fixing a bicycle for a young fellow, he would complain of his carelessness.

His neighbors had seen enough of it, and they understood him thoroughly. The first time he put a rope around his neck, his neighbor backed a truck into his mailbox while moving; the second time he tried to hang himself,his neighbor’s kids passed his window and peeped into his house with curiosity; and the third time, when he locked himself in a car, attempting to kill himself by filling the car with exhaust fumes, his neighbor banged on the garage door, hoping that he could drive her to the hospital.His suicidal attempts were held up over and over again. Though it may have seemed accidental,those disruptions were actually intentional. In fact, he was waiting for them as well. Whenever he saw a sign that prevented him from taking further actions, he would take advantage of it and drop the idea of killing himself.

During his suicidal preparations,his recollections explained why he was so reluctant to part with life.His childhood, the early death of his mother, the embrace that his father—also a railway worker—gave him after his mother’s death,his work experience at the railways,his first flat, Sonia—the woman he

歐維的妻子索尼婭在6個月前患病去世，他決定以自殺的方式隨她而去，但他的自殺，一次次被鄰居們打斷。

歐維59歲，在鐵路上工作43年，在這個小區里住了30年。他那多年鐵路員工的經歷，讓他容不下一切擾亂秩序的事。他冷著臉，維護著小區里的一切，對亂停車、亂放東西、不給垃圾分類、在人行道上開車等行為進行管制。

他嚴嚴實實地把自己包裹起來，不讓自己流露出一絲一毫的感情。即便幫助鄰居照看小孩，他也拉長著臉；給年輕人修理好了自行車，他也不依不饒埋怨幾句。

鄰居們不吃他這一套，他們早就看穿了他。他把脖子套進繩索的瞬間，鄰居吵吵鬧鬧地搬家，撞壞了他的郵箱；他再一次把脖子套進繩索的時候，鄰居的孩子剛好從窗外經過，好奇地向屋內張望；他把自己關在車里，想用汽車尾氣自殺，鄰居敲開車庫門，要他幫忙送人到醫院去。他的自殺計劃，一次次被耽擱了，看起來是被動的，實際上是主動的。他其實就在等著周圍人的挽留，稍一示意，稍一挽留，他就順勢留下。

他在進入自殺準備狀態時的回憶，說明了他為什么對生命會有這么深的留戀。他的童年、他母親的早逝、他的當鐵路工人的父親在母親去世后對他的擁抱、他在鐵路上的工作、他的第一處房子、他在火車上遇到后來成為他妻子的索尼婭、他們的幸福生活、他們的西班牙旅行，還有他和鄰居傍晚在小區里行走時四周亮起的燈火……所有這些，點點滴滴，都成為拉住他的手。

弗雷德里克·巴克曼的小說《一個叫歐維的男人決定去死》，用很有趣的方式為每個章節命名：一個叫歐維的男人在小區巡邏；一個叫歐維的男人拉著拖斗車……這些細節不只和他有關，也和周圍的人有關。他總是在幫助人，幫人學習駕車，幫人修理自行車，他總在一點點加深和這個世界的聯系，總在向下伸出根須。所以，當他心生去意的時候，這個世界也在抓他。死亡“是生命最大的動機之一”，但死沒有那么容易，盡管他已經做足了準備，早早坐進了等候室。

即便是最孤獨的人，其實也難得孤獨。總有人來敲門，met unexpectedly on the train who later became his wife—his happy life in marriage, his honeymoon trip to Spain, and the streetlamps that lit up the way home for him and his neighbors… All of these fragments of memory form an intangible hand that pulls him back from the abyss of suffering.

In the novel A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman, all the chapters are named in an interesting way—such as“a man called Ove makes his neighborhood inspection” and “a man called Ove backs up with a trailer.” These minutiae are not only related to Ove himself, but also concern the people around him. You always find him lending a helping hand to others. For example, he would teach someone how to drive a car, or help someone repair his bicycle. He is always strengthening his tie with the world bit by bit, and spreading out his roots deep into the soil just like a tree; therefore, when he considers leaving eternally, the world is holding him back. Death is one of the biggest motives for our lives, yet it is difficult to make it happen, even though some of us are well-prepared and have stepped into the “waiting room” at an early stage.

Even if you are the loneliest person in the world, it would still be hard for you to feel lonely,as the knocking at the door,the shining lights, the pleasant smell of the dishes, and the noise in your ears will always be of company to you. The movie The Devotion of Suspect X depicts the life of a reclusive person,Tetsuya Ishigami, a brilliant mathematics teacher who lives like a dying person in a flat—alone and quiet. However, the mother and daughter living next door are constantly making noise, and he can always smell the aroma of their dishes and hear their laughter.Although the sounds and smells do not belong to him, when he is at home, he gets tremendous comfort from the lights shining next door.

In fact, so-called loners who claim to be reclusive and solemn can also be a beacon of light for others. Shining from afar, they can always illuminate the way towards happiness.

(From Response, April 2017.Translation: Zhu Yaguang)總有燈火亮起，總有飯菜的香味飄來，總有吵鬧聲在耳畔響起。在一部同樣描繪孤獨者的電影《嫌疑人X的獻身》里，數學天才石神哲哉孤獨地住在公寓里，像個將亡之人，但隔壁母女倆卻總在發出響動，總在制造飯菜香氣和嬉笑聲。盡管那聲音和氣味并不屬于他，但當他歸家的時候，望望隔壁母女家的燈火，就會感到莫大的慰藉。

事實上，那些自以為隔絕、自以為冷漠的孤獨者，也是別人的燈火，可以讓他人遙望，可以給幸福者以氣力。

（摘自《共鳴》2017年第4期）