一個(gè)女人一生中的二十四小時(shí)

By+Stefan+Zweig

I…well， I went in search of him again. That is to say， I went in search of every moment I had spent with him. I felt irresistibly（不可抵抗地）drawn to everywhere we had been together the day before， the bench in the casino grounds from which I had made him rise， the gaming hall where I had first seen him—yes， even that den of vice（惡之穴）， just to relive the past once more， only once more. And tomorrow I would go along the Corniche（濱海大道）in a carriage， retracing（追溯）our path， so that every word and gesture would revive（重演）in my mind again—so senseless and childish was my state of confusion. But you must take into account the lightning speed with which these events overwhelmed me—I had felt little more than a single numbing（使失去知覺(jué)的）blow， but now， woken too abruptly from that tumult（煩亂，激動(dòng)）of feeling， I wanted to go back over what I had so fleetingly（短暫地）experienced step by step， relishing it in retrospect（在回顧中享受）by virtue of（借助）that magical self-deception we call memory. Well， some things we either do or do not understand. Perhaps you need a burning heart to comprehend them fully.

So I went first to the gaming hall to seek out the table where he had been sitting， and think of his hands among all the others there. I went in： I remembered that I had first seen him at the left-hand table in the second room. Every one of his movements was still clear before my minds eye： I could have found his place sleeping-walking， with my eyes closed and my hands outstretched. So I went in and crossed the hall. And then…as I looked at the crowd from the doorway…then something strange happened. There， in the very place where I dreamt of him， there sat—ah， the hallucinations（幻覺(jué)）of fever！—there sat the man himself. He looked exactly as he had been yesterday， his eyes fixed on the ball， pale as a ghost—but he it unmistakably was.

I was so shocked that I felt as if I must cry out. But I controlled my alarm at this ridiculous vision and closed my eyes. “Youre mad—dreaming—feverish，” I told myself. “Its impossible. Youre hallucinating. He left half-an-hour ago.” Only then did I open my eyes again. But terribly to relate（認(rèn)同）， he was still sitting there exactly as he had been sitting just now， in the flesh and unmistakable. I would have known those hands among millions…no， I wasnt dreaming， he was real. He had not left as he had promised he would， the madman was sitting there， he had taken the money I gave him for his journey and brought it here， to the green table， gambling it on his passion， oblivious of（遺忘的）all else， while I was desperately eating my heart out（傷心欲絕）for him.

I abruptly moved forwards： fury blurred my vision， a frenzied（瘋狂的）， red-eyed， raging desire to take the perjurer（發(fā)假誓者）who had so shamefully abused my confidence， my feelings， my devotion by the throat. But I controlled myself. With a deliberately slow step（and how much strength that cost me！） I went up to the table to sit directly opposite him. A gentleman courteously made way for me（禮貌地給我讓路）. Two metres of green cloth stood between us， and as if looking down from a balcony at a play on stage I could watch his face， the same face that I had seen two hours ago radiant（容光煥發(fā)的）with gratitude， illuminated by the aura（光環(huán)）of divine grace， and now entirely absorbed in the infernal（地獄的）fires of his passion again. The hands， those same hands that I had seen clinging to the wood of the prayer desk as he swore a most sacred oath（誓言）， were now clutching at the money again like the claws of lustful（貪婪的）vampires. For he had been winning， he must have won a very great deal： in front of him shone a jumbled（亂七八糟的）pile of jettons（籌碼）and Louisdors（金路易，相當(dāng)于20法郎的金幣）and banknotes， a disordered medley（混雜） in which his quivering（顫抖的）， nervous fingers were stretching and bathing with delight. I saw them pick up separate notes， stroke（撫平）and fold them， I saw them turn and caress coins， then suddenly and abruptly catch up a fistful（滿滿一把錢(qián)）and put them down on one of the spaces（下注的方格）. And immediately that spasmodic tic（間歇性的抽搐）around his nostrils began again， the call of the croupier（賭場(chǎng)里管臺(tái)子的人）tore his greedily blazing（燃燒的）eyes away from the money to the spinning ball， he seemed to be flowing out of himself（靈魂出竅）， as it were， while his elbows might have been nailed to the green table. His total addiction was revealed as even more dreadful， more terrible than the evening before， for every move he made murdered that other images within me， the image shining as if on a golden ground that I had credulously（輕信地）swallowed.

So we sat there two metres away from each other； I was staring at him， but he was unaware of me. He was looking at me or anyone else， his glance merely moved to the money， flickering（顫動(dòng)）unsteadily with the ball as it rolled back to rest： all his senses were contained（克制）， chasing back and forth， in that one racing green circle. To this obsessive gambler the whole world， the whole human race had shrunk to a rectangular patch of cloth. And I knew that I could stand here for hours and hours， and he would not have the faintest idea of my presence.

I cannot describe my bitterness and despair. But think of my feelings： to be no more than a fly brushed carelessly aside by a man to whom one has offered ones whole life. Once again that surge of fury came over me. I seized his arm with all my strength. He started（驚起）.

“You will get up at once！” I whispered to him in a soft but commanding tone. “Remember what you swore in church today， you miserable perjurer.”

He stared at me， perplexed（茫然的，困惑的）and pale. His eyes suddenly took on the expression of a beaten dog， his lips quivered. All at once he seemed to be remembering that past， and a horror of himself appeared to come over him.

“Yes， yes…” he stammered（結(jié)結(jié)巴巴地說(shuō)）. “Oh， my God， my God…yes， Im coming， oh， forgive me…”

And his hand was already sweeping the money together， fast at first， gathering it all up with a vehement（強(qiáng)烈的）gesture， but then gradually slowing down， as if coming up against some opposing force. His eyes had fallen once more on the Russian general， who had just made his bet.

“Just a moment，” he said， quickly throwing five gold coins on the same square. “Just this one more time… I promise you Ill come then—just this one more game… just…”

And again his voice fell silent. The ball had begun to roll and was carrying him away with it. Once again the addict had slipped away from me， from himself，flung（拋，擲）round with the tiny ball circling in the smooth hollow of the wheel where it leapt and sprang（彈跳）. Once again the croupier called out the number， once again the rake（賭臺(tái)上耙錢(qián)用的耙子）carried his five coins away from him； he had lost. But he did not turn round. He had forgotten me， just like his oath in the church and the promise he had given me a minute ago. His greedy hand was moving spasmodically towards the dwindling（逐漸縮小的）pile of money again， and his intoxicated（陶醉的）gaze moved only to the magnet of his will， the man opposite who brought good luck.

My patience was at end. I shook him again， hard this time. “Get up at once！ Immediately！ You said one more game…”

But then something unexpected happened. He suddenly swung round， but the face looking at me was no longer that of a humbled and confused man， it was the face of a man in a frenzy， all anger， with burning eyes and furiously trembling lips. “Leave me alone！” he spat. “Go away！ You bring me bad luck. Whenever youre here I lose. You brought bad luck yesterday and youre bringing bad luck. Go away！”

I momentarily froze， but now my own anger was whipped up（激起）beyond restraint by his folly.

“I am bringing you bad luck？” I snapped（怒氣沖沖地說(shuō)）at him. “You liar， you thief—you promised me…” But I got no further， for the maniac（瘋子）leapt up from his seat and， indifferent to the turmoil（混亂，騷動(dòng)）around him， thrust me away. “Leave me alone，” he cried， losing all control. “Im not under your control…h(huán)ere， take your money.” And he threw me a few hundred-franc（法郎）notes. “Now leave me alone！”

He had been shouting out loud like a madman， ignoring the hundred or so people around us. They were all staring， whispering， pointing， laughing—other curious onlookers even crowded in from the hall next door. I felt as if my clothes were being torn from my body， leaving me naked before all these prying（窺探的）eyes. “Silence， madame， sil vous pla？t，”（法語(yǔ)：請(qǐng)）said the croupier in commanding tones， tapping his rake on the table. He meant me， the wretched（討厭的，可恨的）creature meant me. Humiliated， overcome by shame， I stood before the hissing（發(fā)出噓聲）， whispering curious folk like a prostitute（妓女）whose customer has just thrown money at her. Two hundred， three hundred shameless eyes were turned on my face， and then—then， as I turned my gaze evasively（逃避地）aside， overwhelmed by this filthy（骯臟的）deluge（洪水，泛濫）of humiliation and shame， my own eyes met two others， piercing（銳利的）and astonished—it was my cousin looking at me appalled（驚駭?shù)兀?her mouth open， one hand raised as if in horror.

That struck home（擊中要害）； before she could stir or recover from her surprise I stormed（猛沖）out of the hall. I got as far as the bench outside， the same bench on which the gambling addict had collapsed yesterday. I dropped to the hard， pitiless（無(wú)情的）wood， as powerless， exhausted and shattered（精疲力竭的）as he had been.