顏值高不如心地好

by Carol Ayer翻譯：寒星

Track 5

顏值高不如心地好

by Carol Ayer
翻譯：寒星

Track 5

My seventh grade yearbook picture1）boasts a handwritten2）caption： “Always remember， this picture isn't nearly as nice as the person.” There is another yearbook boasting the same caption—under the photo of my friend， Trudy. We both sufered the3）humiliation of having a bad picture that year， and we each wrote the phrase under the other's photo.

Before age twelve， I was self-confdent， with high self-steem， and an interest in many and varied subjects. I dreamed of being a writer， and had already sent my work to a publisher. I knew I had the right to be in the world. I belonged. And it had nothing to do with how I looked.

But at age twelve， I started to care more about my appearance than my intelligence， my hobbies，my sense of humor， or my kind4）disposition. With that decision came the doubts. My stomach wasn't as fat as my friend Laura's. My smile was5）crooked. My hair was6）blah. Maybe I wasn't as wonderful as I'd believed myself to be. Maybe I didn't have the right to be walking around， looking the way I did.

As I moved on to high school and college， the doubts only7）multiplied. The pretty girls got everything—the boys， the attention， the school glory. They dressed up in lovely8）gowns to go to the junior9）prom and the senior ball while I stayed home. They were the cheerleaders and popular girls，the ones everyone else looked up to. What was I？ Yes， I got good grades， and yes， everyone said I was “nice.” But the rewards for those things weren't as obvious as what the pretty girls received， and thus didn't seem as worthy. If the rewards weren't as worthy， didn't that mean I wasn't as worthy？

2） caption ［'k?p??n］ n.（圖畫等的）文字說明

3） humiliation ［hju?,mIlI'eI??n］ n. 羞辱，蒙恥

4） disposition ［,dIsp?'zI??n］ n. 性情，素質，脾氣

6） blah ［bla?］ adj. 乏味的，平庸的

7） multiply ［'m?ltIplaI］ v. 增加

9） prom ［pr?m］ n. 正式舞會

10） ashamed ［?'?eImd］ adj. 慚愧的，羞恥的

11） berate ［bI'reIt］ v. 痛罵，嚴斥

12） envy ［'envI］ v. 羨慕，嫉妒

14） readily ［'redIlI］ adv. 容易地，欣然地

15） yearn for 渴望

16） adoration ［,?d?'reI??n］ n. 崇拜，愛慕

18） pitch ［pIt?］ v.（棒球中）投球

19） major league 職業體育總會，尤指美國職業棒球大聯盟

20） expert ［'eksp??t］ adj. 熟練的，內行的

21） disfgurement ［dIs'fIg?m?nt］ n. 毀容，缺陷，畸形

22） superfcial ［,su?p?'fI??l］ adj. 表面的，膚淺的

23） be on to 意識到，找……岔子

24） suspect ［s?'spekt］ v. 覺得，以為，揣想

At one level， I knew appearance shouldn't be so important， and I didn't try all that hard to improve mine. But the pressure and desire were there. Every time I saw a picture of myself， I felt the same way I had in seventh grade—disgusted，10）ashamed，mad at myself. Why wasn't I prettier？ Why was I such a failure at looking attractive？ If a picture is worth a thousand words， each photo of myself was a biography about how worthless I was. I couldn't look at a single picture I was in without11）berating myself. I12）envied my friends who were prettier，with better figures， who were wonderfully13）photogenic. I longed for the compliments they so14）readily received. I15）yearned for the16）adoration and admiration.

At the same time， I knew I was being17）ridiculous. Why did I care so much？By adulthood， I'd accepted any number of things about myself. I would never swim in the Olympics. I would never18）pitch in the19）major leagues. So why couldn't I accept I would never be beautiful？

Besides， I didn't particularly value beauty in others. What I liked most about my friends wasn't their pleasing appearances. I loved Danielle's sense of humor， Jackie's20）expert cooking， and Hannah's enthusiasm for life.

I was perfectly healthy， with no21）disfgurements. I might not attract positive attention，but I didn't attract negative attention， either. In every other way， my life was extremely pleasant. Why did I care so much about such a22）superfcial aspect of my life？

I believe that life really is different for attractive people—maybe easier； perhaps，in certain circumstances， better. But in the end， does it really matter？ I don't think so. Maybe Trudy and I23）were on to something when we said the picture wasn't nearly as nice as the person. Maybe we24）suspected being nice was better.

And now I am convinced it is.

我的七年級學校年刊照片上有這樣一句手寫的話：“永遠記住，真人遠比這張照片要好。”還有一本年刊上也寫著同樣的話—在我的朋友特魯迪的照片下面。那一年，我們都不得不忍受一張奇丑的年刊照片帶來的羞辱，于是我們在彼此的照片下方寫下了那句話。

在十二歲以前，我很自信、驕傲，對許多不同的科目都深感興趣。我夢想成為一名作家，并且也已經向某個出版社送去了我的作品。我知道我會出人頭地，我會占有一席之地。而這跟我的長相毫無干系。

然而到了十二歲時，我開始在意自己的外表更甚于我的智力、愛好、幽默感和我友善的性格。這個想法讓我開始懷疑自己。我的小腹不如我的朋友勞拉的那樣平坦，我笑起來嘴巴會歪，我的發型單調乏味。也許我并沒有自己想象中的那般美好。也許我長成這樣根本不該到處丟人現眼。

隨著我上完高中再到上大學，這些疑慮有增無減。漂亮的女生要風得風、要雨得雨—男生的追求、關注的目光、學校的榮譽。她們穿著美麗的禮服去參加高二舞會和高中畢業舞會，而我則宅在家中。她們是啦啦隊隊員，備受歡迎，是大家仰望的對象。我算是什么？是的，我學習成績好，沒錯，大家都說我“友善”。可是這些優點的回報并不如那些漂亮女生所得到的那么明顯，因此似乎不值一提。如果回報一文不值，那豈不是意味著我也一文不值？

一方面，我明白顏值不應如此舉足輕重，我也沒有竭盡全力地提升自己的顏值。但是，壓力和欲望依舊存在。每當我看到自己的照片，我總會想起七年級那時的感覺—厭惡、羞恥，怨恨自己。為什么我沒長得漂亮一點兒？為什么我不能看上去更迷人？如果一圖勝千言，那么我的每一張照片都是一部細述我一文不值的傳記。每次看到有自己在里面的照片，我都無法不痛斥自己。我妒忌比我漂亮、身材比我好的朋友，她們總是驚人地上鏡。我渴望得到她們不費吹灰之力就能收獲的贊美。我渴求被愛慕和欣賞。

同時，我也深知自己很荒唐。為什么我會如此在意？成年后，我接受了一些關于自己的事實—我永遠都不可能參加奧運會游泳比賽；我也永遠不可能在美國職業棒球聯賽上一展身手。那么為什么我不能接受自己無法變美呢？

另外，我并不太看重別人的美貌。朋友的優點中我最喜歡的并不是他們的高顏值。我喜歡丹妮爾的幽默感，喜歡杰基嫻熟的廚藝，也喜歡漢娜對生活的熱情。

我非常健康，容貌沒有缺陷。或許我吸引不到正面關注，但也不會招惹負能量。從每一個方面來看，我的生活都是極其愉快的。為什么我要那么在意生活中這么膚淺的一個層面？

我相信生活對于顏值高的人來說很不一樣—也許更加容易；也許在某些情況下，他們活得更為優越。然而最終，這真的重要嗎？我并不這樣認為。也許我和特魯迪說真人遠比照片要好，是想表達點別的意思。也許我們覺得友善更加值得被贊賞。

而如今，我對此深信不疑。

Being Nice Is Better Than Looking Good