改變處事方式的小妙招

毛川 王維

A Simple Formula1 for Changing Our Behavior

“你到底在想些什么？”不管在生活還是工作中，當你以憤怒埋怨的語氣喊出這樣的問話時，便會開始陷入爭執(zhí)不休的漩渦中。誠然，當預(yù)期沒有達成，感到失望生氣是可以理解的。但是，情緒過后并不能解決任何問題。本文將著重介紹一個改變?nèi)藗兲幨路绞降男〖记桑闹薪榻B的三步走，你會發(fā)現(xiàn)問題有效地解決了，一切也都豁然開朗了。

1. formula： 公式，方法。

2. aghast： 大為震驚地。

3. plastic： 塑料，塑料制品。

4. renovate： 整修，翻新。

5. yell： 大聲叫喊。

6. spiral： 盤旋，螺旋形行進，文中指你一句我一句地爭執(zhí)。

7. devolve into： 演變成；fit： （感情的）突發(fā)，發(fā)作。

8. predictably： 可預(yù)測地； inevitably： 不可避免地，必然地。

9. 爭執(zhí)的漩渦總是從期望值沒有達到開始的（“你到底在想什么？”），然后以憤怒、挫敗和悲傷結(jié)束，使得雙方都喪失信心。unfulfilled： 未得到滿足的，沒有成就感的；frustration： 挫敗感。

10. equivalent： 等價物，相等物。

11. be inclined to： 想要，傾向于。

12. fusion： 融合，融合物；messiness： 雜亂；longing for： 渴望，盼望。

13. role play： 角色扮演。

14. identify： 識別，確認。

15. applicable： 適用的，可應(yīng)用的。

16. direct report ： 直接下屬； sloppy： 草率的，馬虎的。

17. clarity： 清楚，明晰。

18. budget： 預(yù)算；commitment： （對錢、時間、人力等的）使用，花費。

19. non-negotiable： 無商量余地的。

20. get stuck： 遇到困難； brainstorm： 集體解決難題，合力攻關(guān)。

21. impediment： 障礙，阻礙。

22. authentic： 可信的，真實的，后句authenticity為其名詞形式。

23. 學(xué)習(xí)一種新的處事行為，然后以全新的方式出現(xiàn)或者表現(xiàn)得很不一樣，總讓人覺得很假。

24. hedge fund： 對沖基金。

25. compassionately： 富有同情心地；reverse： 徹底改變。

26. integrate： 使完整，使成為整體。

27. empathize： 移情，站到他人角度考慮問題。

28. solicitous： 熱心的，熱切的。

“Whoa！ What are you doing？” I asked aghast2.

I had just walked into my daughters room as she was working on a science project. Normally， I would have been pleased at such a sight. But this time， her project involved sand. A lot of it. And， while she had put some plastic3 underneath her work area， it wasnt nearly enough. The sand was spreading all over our newly renovated4 floors.

My daughter， who immediately felt my displeasure， began to defend herself. “I used plastic！” she responded angrily.

I responded more angrily， “But the sand is getting all over！”

“Where else am I supposed to do it？” she yelled5.

Why wont she admit when shes done something wrong？ I thought to myself. I felt my fear， projecting into the future： What would her life look like if she couldnt own her mistakes？

My fear translated into more anger， this time about how important it was for her to admit mistakes， and we spiraled6. She said something that felt disrespectful to me and I raised my voice. She devolved into a crying fit.7

I wish I could say this never happened before. But my daughter and I were in a dance， one we have， unfortunately， danced before. And its predictably painful； we both， inevitably，8 end up feeling terrible.

This is not just a parenting dance. I often see leaders and managers fall into predictable spirals with their employees. It usually starts with unfulfilled expectations （“what were you thinking？”） and ends in anger， frustration， sadness， and loss of confidence on both sides.9 Maybe not crying. But the professional equivalent10.

Im always inclined to11 ask： Why do I react the way I do？ The answer is a complicated fusion of reasons including my love for my daughter， my desire to teach her， my low tolerance for messiness， my need to be in control， my longing for her success，12 and the list goes on.

But it doesnt really matter.

Because knowing why I act a certain way does not change my behavior. You would think that it would. It should. But it doesnt.

The question that really matters—the hard question—is how do I change？

First， I need a better way to respond to my daughter. For this， I went to my wife， Eleanor， who is truly a master. I asked her how I should have handled it.

“Sweetie，” she said， role playing13 me in the conversation with my daughter， “Theres a lot of sand here and we need to clean it up before it destroys the floors， how can I help？”

Simple and effective：

1. Identify14 the problem

2. State what needs to happen

3. Offer to help

Thats a great way to handle it. Think about any problem you face with someone at work. I dont suggest you start the conversation with “Sweetie，” but the rest is applicable15.

I watched a manager get angry at a direct report （well call him Fred） for a sloppy，16 unclear presentation he gave. The manager was right—the presentation was unclear—but the way he responded damaged the employees confidence and Freds next effort wasnt much better. Instead， he could have tried this：

“Fred， this presentation made six points instead of one or two. Im left confused. It needs to be shorter， more to the point， and more professional looking. Would it help if we talk about the point youre trying to make？”

No frustration. Not even disappointment. Just clarity17 and support.

Another time， I watched as a CEO got annoyed at his direct reports for presenting plans that were not reflective of the budget commitments18 they had made. His emotion was understandable. Appropriate， even. But not useful. An alternative might have been：

“Folks， these plans dont reflect the budget numbers we agreed on. Those numbers are non-negotiable19. If you want， you can let me know where you are getting stuck and we can brainstorm solutions.”20

Identify the problem. State what needs to happen. Offer to help. Simple， right？

But—and this is the strange part—in my situation， I couldnt bring myself to do it. As I thought about it， I realized my impediment21.

It didnt feel authentic22.

I believe strongly in leading and living with authenticity. And I was angry and worried about my daughters future. So responding calmly， in that moment， would represent a disconnect between how I felt and how I acted. Thats inauthentic.

Which is when it hit me： Learning—by definition—will always feel inauthentic.

Practicing a new behavior， showing up in a new way， or acting differently， feels inauthentic.23 Changing a dance thats been danced many times before will never feel natural. It will feel awkward， fake， like pretending. The hedge fund24 manager was angry， the CEO was annoyed. Not expressing those emotions feels fake.

But its much smarter， more likely to compassionately teach the people around us， and a better approach to getting them to reverse their ineffective behaviors.25

If we want to learn， we need to tolerate the feeling of inauthenticity long enough to integrate26 the new way of being. Long enough for the new way of being to feel natural. Which， if the new way of being works， happens sooner than you would think.

Yesterday， my daughter was doing homework late at night and I had to ask her to work in the dining room instead of her bedroom because her younger sister needed to go to bed.

But， before I did， I paused. I empathized27 with the challenges she would feel， being asked to leave her room for her sister. Being asked to do her difficult homework in a place that wasnt as comfortable.

“Sweetie，” I said， “Your sister needs to go to sleep and we need to move you into the dining room. How can I help？” Identify the problem， state what needs to happen， and offer to help.

It felt weird. Like I was being overly solicitous28. Fake.

But it worked.

After I helped her move， she quickly got back to her work.

Then， as I was walking out， I heard her say “Dad？” I paused at the door and looked back at her. “Thanks，” she said， without looking up from her book.