“優能中學杯”征文大賽獲獎作文選登及點評（3）

潘妍+崔瀟

本刊2015年7月號在創刊十周年之際發起的主題為“我和英語有個故事”的全國中學生英語征文大賽現已圓滿落幕！本期我們繼續選登一篇獲獎作文及北京新東方學校優能中學老師的相應精彩點評，以饗大家。本次與大家分享的是此次征文大賽二等獎的一篇獲獎文章。

When I was a little baby， my mom always taught me some unsophisticated English words such as "apples and bananas". When I became older， I learned English in a miraculous speed.

As an English genius， I could count from one to a hundred in English at my five. Although it is a small case for the children in a Chinese-English kindergarten， it was quite a difficulty for a young girl living in a remote city， which has no language environment. I tried to talk to a blonde Russian in English， but failed. Since then， I got afraid of speaking English.

Three years later， the most important thing that changed my attitude happened. A charming lady who used to teach university students became my new English teacher. It is she who led me to an extraordinary English world.

Her pronunciation was so attractive that I fell in love with their gracefulness. So I tried my best to imitate her. I wanted to speak English as freely as she speaks. In my life， she was a conjurer who showed me the real English world； she was a key-keeper who opened the door to my success； she was like the Eros who had shot me with her arrows to make me have a crush on English. With her help， I have developed hobbies like watching English movies and listening to English songs， even reading some original English books.

I also believe she makes English love me. If not， why can I learn English so well？ I have never recited grammar rules and English words， but just like what I wanted， now， I can speak English without fear only because I have the right feeling. While visiting Shanghai， I talked to some American girls in order to inquire of them where they had bought the goods I wanted. What's more， my brain has English mode.

Now， I am in Senior Two and my scores are always pretty high. I must say thank you to my childhood English teacher and my senior school teacher， who are not only modest but also appealing as well. No matter whether you are elegant or not， English can make you a better person.

Just like what the title has said， I love English and I have lost my heart to it. Thank you for giving me the chance to tell you about my love story with English. Now， it is what I had experienced， and the story must be continued.

When I became older是一個狀語從句，與本文第一句結構一致，在表達上沒有什么亮點。同時，表示“以某種速度”要用介詞at而不是in。這里不妨體現與第一句的因果關系，改為：This might explain the miraculous speed at which I learned English when I became older.

首先，genius這個詞意為完全天賦異稟、異于常人的“天才”，而作者想表達的只是外語學習能力比別人好，所以用linguistic talent這個詞組更合適一些。另外，表達“在幾歲時”要說at the age of five，而不是at my five。

表達學英語對作者而言不容易，可以換個思維表述，把difficulty改為feat。之所以了不起，是因為城里沒有語言環境，這里應該更加明確地指出沒有English language environment或bilingual language environment。

這句話前面應加上Once，表示“曾經”，因為這里需要明顯的時間狀語。But可以改為插入語however，變成“however， I failed”，使文章的句式更加豐富。

首先，in my life意為“在我一生之中”，而這里要表達的只是“在我高中期間”，所以應改為during my high school years。其次，排比和定語從句結合得很好，很出彩。用了三個定語從句把老師分別比作魔術師、打開成功之門的鑰匙保管者以及希臘神話中的愛神，三個比喻都很生動形象。

這里用develop the habit of doing sth.這個詞組會更簡潔一些，改成I have developed the habits of watching English movies and listening to English songs。除此之外還可以用pick up a habit of doing sth.進行替換。

此句話作者想表達的應該是“我現在還認為當初是她讓英語愛上了我”，這個擬人的修辭用得很好，但是需要注意時態！“老師讓英語愛上我”發生在過去，并且現在已經完成，所以這里肯定要用had made。大家一定要杜絕這類錯誤。

要用不同的句型豐富文章句式，替換掉只是沒有語法錯誤但表述平平的句子。此處可以用倒裝句，將否定詞前置。前半句用了現在完成時，有never這個否定詞，所以我們可以直接把never提前，將前半句改為：Never have I recited grammar rules or English words.

這里想表達的是“我的頭腦中擁有英語的思維”，但作者寫的時候犯了很多學生都愛犯的錯：把中文直接翻譯成了英文。要注意，brain并不是有生命的物體，而且英語思維也不是長在腦子里的，所以不能直接用have。這句話可以改為：my brain has started to function in English mode.

這里不需要用現在完成時，為呼應標題內容，這里可表述為Just as the title says。

總評

此篇文章語言比較流暢，語法錯誤相對較少。讀罷全文，可以感覺到小作者的確很喜歡英語，而且也很自信。文中有出彩的地方，比如排比句和定語從句的結合以及中間穿插的比喻修辭。文中多次出現賓語從句以及定語從句等復合句，可以看出小作者對于一般從句的掌握和運用還是很到位的。但是從句再好，也不能通篇都用。表達多樣、多種語法結構相結合才是提升文章質量的王道。比如可以加入一些非謂語，把這篇文章里的一些狀語從句改用非謂語作狀語來表達，增強可讀性。此外，還可以考慮運用倒裝結構和虛擬語氣。最后，小作者還要注意表達要地道。總的來說，本文雖然沒有太多語法錯誤，但行文中還是存在一些中式思維的表達，顯得不夠地道。文中的用詞也不是很出彩——詞匯的出彩程度不是看詞匯的高深程度，而是看地道程度。所以小作者還需加油，多讀英文讀物，多學習地道的英語表達。

教師簡介：

崔瀟，北京新東方學校中考英語優秀教師，擁有多年教學經驗，專業基礎過硬，善于幫助學生用英語思維做題，提升成績；授課風格風趣幽默，致力于幫助學生趣味學英語、大幅提分。