復(fù)句使用體現(xiàn)功底

【作文題】

5月1日，高二（3）班的學(xué)生志愿者Li Yue 和 Zhang Hua 去陽光敬老院（Sunshine Nursing Home）開展志愿者活動(dòng)（送水果、打掃、聊天等）。假如你是校英語報(bào)的記者，請(qǐng)按下列要點(diǎn)用英語寫一則100～120個(gè)詞的新聞報(bào)道。

1. 時(shí)間、地點(diǎn)、人物、活動(dòng)；

2. 老人們的反應(yīng)；

3. 簡(jiǎn)短評(píng)論。

注意：報(bào)道的標(biāo)題和記者姓名已給出（不計(jì)詞數(shù)）。

Student Volunteers Brought Sunshine to the Elderly

By Chen Jie， School Newspaper

這是2009年浙江省高考英語卷的作文題，考查的是新聞寫作。這類文章一般由兩部分組成：一是對(duì)事件的記敘，二是對(duì)事件的簡(jiǎn)短評(píng)論。由于這兩部分是兩種文體，在寫作過程中，要特別注意時(shí)態(tài)的運(yùn)用和語言風(fēng)格的變化。記敘部分須使用過去時(shí)，而評(píng)論部分則常使用一般現(xiàn)在時(shí)，語言應(yīng)該盡量符合報(bào)道的特點(diǎn)，做到言簡(jiǎn)意賅。

我們來看下面這篇短文。

Student Volunteers Brought Sunshine to the Elderly

Li Yue and Zhang Hua are our school’s volunteers from Class 3， Grade 2. On June 1， they went to the Sunshine Nursing Home. They cleaned the house and played games with the old men. Then， they sent some apples to the old people. The old people were very happy. Li Yue and Zhang Hua communicated the things of school with the old people. The old people hoped them work hard. At last， they said goodbye to the old people.

Li Yue and Zhang Hua are both good students in our school. We should remember them. We should take good care of the old people in our family.

By Chen Jie， School Newspaper

【點(diǎn)評(píng)】 模擬得分：15分

這篇短文的第一部分是對(duì)事件的敘述，第二部分是對(duì)事件的評(píng)價(jià)，在結(jié)構(gòu)上符合新聞報(bào)道的要求，內(nèi)容基本涵蓋題目所給的寫作要點(diǎn)，時(shí)態(tài)的運(yùn)用也沒有錯(cuò)誤，但是通篇看來卻沒有什么亮點(diǎn)。

（1） 文章主要采用簡(jiǎn)單句表達(dá)，句與句之間缺少恰當(dāng)?shù)倪B接過渡，讀來十分生澀，還有些啰唆。

比如第一段的開頭：Li Yue and Zhang Hua are our school’s volunteers from Class 3， Grade 2. On June 1， they went to the Sunshine Nursing Home. 除了把“5月1日”寫成了“6月1日”外，這兩句的表達(dá)方式并無不妥，但是把它們合并成一句，改為On May 1st， Li Yue and Zhang Hua， two students from Class 3， Grade 2， went to the Sunshine Nursing Home to work as volunteers，行文會(huì)更流暢，語言會(huì)更精練。

又比如最后一段：Li Yue and Zhang Hua are both good students in our school. We should remember them. We should take good care of the old people in our family. 與其號(hào)召同學(xué)們記住Li Yue和Zhang Hua，不如說他們樹立了好榜樣，號(hào)召同學(xué)們向他們學(xué)習(xí)。調(diào)整內(nèi)容，用復(fù)句來表達(dá)：Li Yue and Zhang Hua are both good students in our school and they set a good example to us to take good care of the old people.修改后顯然表意更到位，更符合邏輯，語言更高級(jí)。

（2） 記敘在敬老院的活動(dòng)的兩個(gè)……