愛與痛的邊緣

When I was first 1)incarcerated in 1987， the hardest part of 2)doing prison time was being away from my children. This is common with most of the women in prison， so often stories of our children are shared among each other.

Renee， a friend I had met in prison， was doing seven years for drug charges. She had a five-year-old son that her parents were raising. She and the grandparents had told the five-year-old that Renee was away at school in order to protect him from the fear and humiliation of his mother being incarcerated. Renee would call her son often and promise him that it wouldn’t be long before they’d be reunited again.

One evening， after talking to her son， Renee came to me with tears in her eyes. Her son had asked if she would be home soon. Renee made the regular promise that it wouldn’t be too much longer now. The boy asked， “Can we go to the duck pond when you get home?” She assured him that they would.

In the innocence of a child， he had proudly announced that he was saving up the bread already. Renee’s heart 3)wrenched imagining the huge pile of4)moldy bread that would be piled up before she would be able to keep her promise to this 5)trusting five-year-old.

We cried together， and she somehow made it through the crisis. I was shocked when， only a few weeks later， she came to me seeking advice. She had just received her 6)State pay—twenty-five dollars for the month—and had the opportunity to buy a half of a pill for twenty-five dollars. It would leave her 7)broke for the rest of the month， but Renee really wanted to buy the pill. It would be dissolved and 8)shot up for a high. She felt that she deserved the “treat” because prison was so hard， she was so lonely and it was almost her birthday. I’m sure Renee had other reasons， but my head was still spinning from the fact that she could even consider it with a five-year-old son waiting to share her life with him.

Since I don’t 9)do drugs and never have， I couldn’t imagine what kind of high could be greater than spending time with your child. Before I realized what I was saying， I 10)blurted out， “You’re grown， and you have to make your own decisions， but think how much bread that twenty-five dollars could buy.” The statement was like throwing ice water in Renee’s face. She caught her breath， whirled around and walked away from me before I could take back my statement. I felt terrible. It was cruel of me to have made such a statement， I thought. Who was I to judge another person? I knew I had ruined a good friendship.

I didn’t see Renee for several days， so I wasn’t sure if she had used the State pay for the 11)coveted half-pill. I felt miserable. Finally， Renee joined me at a table in the lobby， looking 12)sheepish. I hugged her without asking about her decision—it was none of my business. She 13)volunteered the information， anyway. Renee had not bought the pill.

She said， “You were right， Lucy. It will buy a lot of bread.” It’s been ten years since I’ve seen Renee， but she still writes and lets me know that she still hasn’t done drugs， although tempted. She always thinks about how much bread the cost of the drugs will buy. Renee and her son now visit the duck pond often. She continues to thank me for reminding her of what that one moment of weakness almost cost her.

1987年，我第一次被關進監獄，服刑期間最難熬的要數骨肉分離之苦。獄中大多數女人都有同感，所以，我們常常相互分享自己孩子的故事。

蕾妮是我在獄中認識的一個朋友。她因涉毒被判入獄七年，正在服刑。她有一個五歲大的兒子，由她父母撫養著。為了避免兒子因為母親被監禁而感到恐懼和恥辱，蕾妮和她父母都告訴這個五歲大的孩子，說蕾妮到外地讀書去了。蕾妮常常給她兒子打電話，還向他保證不久就會和他重聚。

一天晚上，蕾妮和她兒子通完電話后來找我，她滿眼是淚。她兒子問她是否很快就回家。蕾妮像往常一樣向他許諾，說不用多久就能和他重聚了。男孩問道:“等你回家后，我們能去那個養鴨子的池塘玩嗎?”她向他保證一定去。

天真無邪的他自豪地向媽媽宣告，他已經開始攢面包了。蕾妮頓覺心頭一緊，試想，在自己向信任她的五歲的兒子兌現承諾之前，將有多大一堆發霉的面包被積攢起來啊。

我們一同哭泣，而她后來也總算熬過了這個難關。僅僅幾周后，當她到我這尋求建議時，我很震驚。她剛收到了國家發給她的勞動補助金——每月25美元——并且能找到門路用這些錢去買半粒毒品。那會使她在那個月余下的日子里分文不剩，但蕾妮真的想買毒品。那半粒藥會先被溶解，然后注射進體內，讓人感覺飄飄欲仙。監獄生活很艱苦，她又很孤獨，而且她的生日快到了，她覺得自己應該得到那份“款待”。我確信蕾妮還有別的理由，但我腦子直打轉，想不通，知道自己那五歲的兒子在等著她回去共享天倫之樂，她竟然還能對毒品動念。……