和我女兒約會的八條簡單規(guī)矩

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father， who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter. He would open the door and immediately 1)affect a 2)good-naturedly murderous expression， holding out a handshake that， when gripped， felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now， years later， it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly 3)persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates， I do my best to make my daughter’s 4)suitors feel even worse. My motto: 5)Wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.

As a dad， I have some basic rules， which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk， you’d better be delivering a package， because you’re sure 6)as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her， so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter’s body， I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult， but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still， I want to be fair and open minded about this issue， so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big， and I will not object. However， in order to assure that your clothes do not， in fact， 7)come off during the course of your date with my daughter， I will take my 8)electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world， sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me 9)elaborate: when it comes to sex， I am the barrier， and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other， we should talk about sports， politics， and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house， and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow， with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise， once you have gone out with my little girl， you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry， I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway， waiting for my daughter to appear， and more than an hour goes by， do not sigh and 10)fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie， you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup， a process which can take longer than painting the 11)Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there， why don’t you do something useful， like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds， sofas， or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places lacking parents， policemen， or nuns. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing， holding hands， or happiness. Places where the 12)ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts， 13)tank tops， 14)midriff T-shirts， or anything other than 15)overalls， a sweater， and a 16)goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature17)chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too—there are only eight of them， for crying out loud! And， 18)for the record， I did NOT suggest to one of these 19)cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is 20)prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate—ink washes off—and that my 21)wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time， when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway， get out of the car， and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one， so I figured he needed to run through the 22)drill a few dozen times)， she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. “Don’t you remember being that age?” she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

念中學時，我很怕我女友的父親。我相信他總懷疑我要對他女兒毛手毛腳。他會打開門，立馬露出一副“笑里藏刀”的表情，伸出手來和我握手，而當我的手被他握住時，感覺那股力量能把碳壓煉成鉆石。

多年后的現(xiàn)在，輪到我當父親了。記起以前接女友約會時，我受了多少冤枉罪，所以我要盡力讓我女兒的追求者們感覺更糟。我的格言是:在客廳就挫掉他們的銳氣，那么他們整晚都不敢輕舉妄動。

作為一個父親，我有一些基本規(guī)矩，我把它們刻在豎在客廳里的兩塊石碑上。

規(guī)矩一:如果你把車開進我家的車道并且響喇叭，你最好是個送快遞的。不然，想從我這里帶走什么?絕對沒門兒。

規(guī)矩二:你不能在我面前碰我女兒。你可以瞄她一眼，只要你沒盯著她脖子以下的部分看。如果你無法讓視線或者手離開我女兒的身體，那么我來幫你移開。

規(guī)矩三:我知道像你這個年紀的男孩子流行穿那些松松垮垮的褲子，松到似乎都快滑到屁股以下的地方了。我不是要侮辱你們，可是你和你那些朋友也真是十足的傻瓜。不過，我還是想在這方面表現(xiàn)得公正和開放一點，所以我提出一個折中的建議:你可以外露內(nèi)褲，且穿比合身尺碼大十倍的褲子來到我家門口，我不會反對。但是，說真的，為了保證你的衣褲不會在你和我女兒約會的過程中掉下來，我會拿我的電動釘槍把你的褲子在你腰部位置牢牢釘緊。

規(guī)矩四:我知道肯定有人跟你說過，今時今日做愛而不用某種“屏障”，你會被干掉。……