煙花爆竹引起的討論

寫作試題：

近年南京市作出決定，允許居民在春節期間定點燃放煙花爆竹。這一決定受到了大多數人的歡迎，也遭到了部分人的反對。最近，你班就春節期間該不該燃放煙花爆竹進行了一場討論，請根據以下信息寫一篇短文，客觀介紹你們的討論情況，并就如何安全燃放煙花提出你的看法。

開頭已給出：

The government of Nanjing lifted the ban on fireworks during the 2006 Spring Festival.

寫作改析一：

The government of Nanjing lifted the ban on fireworks during the 2006 Spring Festival. Recently， our class had a discussion about whether we should be allowed to set off fireworks.

The class have been divided into two parts①. There are 60% of the students ② agree with the decision. They think that setting off fireworks can add to the festival atmosphere. They also think③ it’s a tradition in China. But 40% think④ that setting off fireworks may injure others and pollute⑤ the air.

In my opinion， we can set off fireworks if we are careful and clean the rubbish after that. ⑥

批注：

①此句改為Opinions are divided on the question.更準確。

②此處缺少關系代詞who。

③這里啰唆了，不如直接用and連接兩個分句。

④為避免重復，建議改為argue。

⑤此處改為not only cause injuries but also pollute the environment更好。

⑥語句較為平淡生硬，建議改為 if we can be careful when setting off fireworks and clean the rubbish after that， the problem will be solved perfectly.

評語：

基本完成了題目要求的寫作任務，但是文章語言過于簡潔，沒有進一步分析闡述正反雙方的觀點，自己觀點的提出也十分簡單、生硬。對于整篇文章而言，如果能積累更多的連詞和短語來加強語篇感的話，相信表達的效果會好些。

寫作改析二：

The government of Nanjing lifted the ban on fireworks during the 2006 Spring Festival. Recently our class has had a discussion about whether the citizens can set off fireworks during the Spring Festival.

Opinions in our class are divided on the question. 60% of the students agree⑦ the government’s decision. They believed the⑧ fireworks can increase the happiness⑨ during the Spring Festival. And people also have a responsibility to keep this traditional culture to go on⑩.

On the other hand， 40% think that set off{11} fireworks may cause environmental pollution. What is more， they{12} may hurt people if they aren’t carefully{13}.

In my opinion， I think{14} if we are careful and don’t buy dangerous goods， we can enjoy setting off fireworks in the place where allow{15} to do so.

批注：

⑦agree to⑧believe⑨add to the happy atmosphere

⑩going on{11}setting off{12}it

{13}careful{14}去掉I think{15}we are allowed

評語：

題目要求寫到的要點都有進行描述，語言間注意了一定的銜接，如：And...；On the other hand，... What’s more，...可惜的是，語言的準確性方面做得不夠好，錯誤較多。如果在以后的寫作訓練中，對語言的準確表達多加注意，應該會取得較好的寫作成績。

編輯/孫櫟櫟