莉迪婭·戴維斯作品

◎董繼平 譯

我感到的事情

這些天，我試圖告訴自己我感到的事情并不很重要。如今，我在幾本書里讀到了這一點：我感到的事情重要，但并不是一切事物的中心。也許我相信這樣的說法，卻不足以照此行事。我愿意更深地相信這一點。

那會讓人多么寬慰。我不必一直考慮我感到的事情，而且嘗試用它所有的困難和它所有的結果來控制它。我不必一直嘗試感到好一些。實際上，如果我不相信我感到的事情如此重要，我甚至就可能不會感覺到如此糟糕，而且感到好一些就不會如此艱難了。我不必說，哦，就像我快不行了，我感到多么不舒服，深夜在這黑漆漆的客廳里，外面的街燈幽幽地照著黑漆漆的街道，我多么孤獨，房子里的每個人都睡著了，到處都找不到安慰，只有我孤零零地在這下面，我永遠不會讓自己平靜下來，足以入睡，從來不會入睡，從來不能持續到第二天，我不可能持續下去，我甚至無法再生活一分鐘。

如果我不相信我感到的事情是一切事物的中心，那么它就不會成為一切事物的中心，卻僅僅成為位于側邊的事物，很多東西當中的一件，我就能看見和注意到那些同等重要的其他東西，這樣的話，我就有了某種寬慰。

但奇怪的是，你怎能相信一種想法絕對真實而正確，卻并不深信它，深信得足以照此行事。因此，我依然像我的感覺是一切事物的中心那樣來行事，我的感覺依然引起我到頭來獨處于深夜的客廳窗戶旁邊。現在不同的是我有了這一想法：我有了我即將就不再相信我的感覺是一切事物的中心的想法。對于我，這是一種安慰，因為，要是你對繼續下去感到絕望，但同時又告訴自己你感到的事情不會很重要，那么你就既不再可能對繼續下去感到絕望，又依然可能對繼續下去感到絕望，但再也不會完全相信了。

WHAT I FEEL

These days I try to tell myself that what I feel is not very important.I' ve read this in several books now: that what I feel is important but not the center of everything.Maybe I do believe this，but not enough to act on it.I would like to believe it more deeply.

What a relief that would be.I wouldn't have to think about what I felt all the time，and try to control it，with all its complications and all its consequences.I wouldn't have to try to feel better all the time.In fact，if I didn't believe what I felt was so important，I probably wouldn' t even feel so bad，and it wouldn't be so hard to feel better.I wouldn't have to say，Oh I feel so awful，this is like the end for me here，in this dark living-room late at night，with the dark street outside under the streetlamps，I am so very alone，everyone else in the house asleep，there is no comfort anywhere，just me alone down here，I will never calm myself enough to sleep，never sleep，never be able to go on to the next day，I can't possibly go on，I can't live，even through the next minute.

If I didn't believe what I felt was the center of everything，then it wouldn't be the center of everything，but just something off to the side，one of many things，and I would be able to see and pay attention to those other things that are equally important，and in this way I would have some relief.

But it is curious how you can believe an idea is absolutely true and correct and yet not believe it deeply enough to act on it.So I still act as though my feelings were the center of everything，and they still cause me to end up alone by the living-room window late at night.What is different now is that I have this idea: I have the idea that soon I will no longer believe that my feelings are the center of everything.This is a comfort to me，because if you despair of going on，but at the same time tell yourself that what you feel may not be very important，then either you may no longer despair of going on，or you may still despair of going on but not quite believe it anymore.

我們的善良

我們擁有頗為善待世界上的每個人的理想。但在另一方面，我們又頗不善待我們自己的丈夫——那個近在咫尺，對于我們最親密的人。但在另一方面，我們又認為他在阻止我們善待世界上別的每個人。我們認為，因為他不想要我們認識其他那些人！他寧愿讓我們待在我們自己的房子里。他說車舊了。我們知道他真的寧愿讓我們就像他那樣，僅僅熟悉世界上的一小部分人。但他所說的話就是車不會把我們載到很遠的地方。我們知道他寧愿讓我們照看我們自己的房子和我們自己的家庭。我們的房子不干凈，不完全干凈。我們的家庭不完全干凈。我們認為車會相當出色地為我們服務。但他認為我們可能想要出去，想要善待其他人，只是因為我們寧愿不在家里，因為我們寧愿不必去嘗試僅僅善待這三個人，世界上所有的人當中對于我們最棘手的三個人，盡管我們可以輕而易舉地善待那么多其他人，諸如那些我們在商店遇到的人——我們去那里，是因為他說我們的車可以把我們安全地載到那里。

OUR KINDNESS

We have ideals of being very kind to everyone in the world.But then we are very unkind to our own husband，the person who is closest at hand to us.But then we think he is preventing us from being kind to everyone else in the world.Because he does not want us to know those other people，we think! He would prefer us to stay here in our own house.He says the car is old.We know that really he would prefer us to be acquainted with only a small number of people in the world，as he is.But what he says is that the car would not take us very far.We know he would prefer us to look after our own house and our own family.Our house is not clean，not completely clean.Our family is not completely clean.We think the car would serve us well enough.But he thinks we may want to go out and be kind to other people only because we would prefer not to be at home，because we would prefer not to have to try to be kind only to these three people，of all the people in the world the hardest three for us，though we can easily be kind to so many other people，such as those we meet at the stores，where we go because there our car，he says，may safely take us.