Nonviolent Communication

By Fan Deng

I used to recommend the bookNonviolent Communication: a Language of Lifeto others years ago, and nowadays I still hear people talking about it. It analyzes the source of violence in depth, and gives a nonviolent solution. This book is written by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. He developed the principles and methods of nonviolent communication, which helped solve many conflicts and disputes in the world.

There’s an impressive story in this book: One day, a stranger threatened to assault a female teacher working in a school in St. Louis. The teacher tried to practice a nonviolent means of communication with the young man by empathizing with him on the spot. She detected the insecurity behind his seemingly strong body and his desire to relieve himself by doing something dangerous.

很多年前，我向別人推薦《非暴力溝通》，現(xiàn)在也常常能聽到別人對這本書的討論。它從很深入的角度剖析了暴力的來源，給出了非暴力的解決方案。這本書的作者是馬歇爾盧森堡博士，他發(fā)展的非暴力溝通的原則和方法，解決了眾多世界范圍內(nèi)的沖突和爭端。

書中，有這樣一個(gè)故事。一個(gè)女教師在圣·路易斯的一所學(xué)校教書，她被一個(gè)陌生的男人威脅，對方想要侵犯她。此時(shí)，她對這個(gè)犯罪分子展開了非暴力溝通，開始全神貫注地體會(huì)對方當(dāng)時(shí)的感受。對方看似強(qiáng)勢，實(shí)際上也很沒有安全感，所以才想做出一些危險(xiǎn)的行為進(jìn)行發(fā)泄。

女教師了解到對方需要安全感之后，這樣說道：“你似乎有些不安，安全對你來說特別重要，是嗎？……請告訴我，是不是有別的方式可以滿足你的需要，而不用傷害我。”

最后，那個(gè)男人只搶了女教師的錢包就離開了。

非暴力溝通，在很多情況下可以幫助我們，它有一套標(biāo)準(zhǔn)化的技術(shù)。

第一步，是你在表達(dá)的時(shí)候，要說出感受，而不是評(píng)判。

比如說，一個(gè)丈夫回家很晚，還一身酒氣。妻子肯定很生氣，盛怒之下，可能說：“你還知道回來呀，你干嗎不死在外面呢？”

當(dāng)妻子罵出“干嗎不死在外面”的時(shí)候，是在表達(dá)自己的感受嗎？并不是，她只是在發(fā)泄自己的情緒。

非暴力溝通的核心為：當(dāng)一個(gè)人覺得情緒受傷，或者心中的某些需求沒有得到滿足的時(shí)候，要做的最重要的事，是尋找這些需求，而不是發(fā)泄情緒。

情緒是最要命的雙刃劍，將郁結(jié)的情緒發(fā)泄出去，當(dāng)時(shí)是很痛快，但最終會(huì)傷害到自身。

上述的例子，妻子的氣話反倒提醒了丈夫，丈夫想：“是呀，我干嗎不待在外面呢？”于是過兩天，他就連家也不回了。暴力溝通導(dǎo)致生活一團(tuán)糟。

Noticing that the man was shaking, the teacher said, “I’m sensing this is very scary for you... I can hear how much you want this. At the same time, I want you to know how scared and horrible I feel, and how grateful I’d be if you’d leave without hurting me.”

Eventually, the man took her purse and left quickly.

Nonviolent communication can help us in times of danger, which involves a set of standardized steps.

The first step is to use facts instead of making judgments in expressing your opinions. For example, when a drunken man comes home late, reeking of booze, his wife will certainly feel angry. She might fly into a rage, “You barely know where home is—why don’t you just go to hell?”When the wife uttered, “Why don’t you go to hell,” she was not telling facts, but pouring out emotions.

The essence of nonviolent communication is that when someone feels hurt or needs some comfort, the most important thing is to identify their needs instead of pouring out emotions.

Emotion is a double-edged sword. You should remember that releasing gloomy emotions is just a temporary relief that will ultimately hurt oneself.

In this case, the wife’s angry words may irritate the husband, “Why should I even come home?” Thinking this way, he might stay away from home for two or three days. It seems that this form of violent communication makes life a mess.

When you adopt nonviolent communication, remember to tell facts first, “Honey, it’s the fifth day you’ve come home after 11 pm with the smell of alcohol this week.”

Secondly, express your emotions in a direct way like, “I feel sad.”

Thirdly, tell your reasons: “I want this to be our home, not a hotel. I want to have dinner with you and talk. That’s what an ideal home should be in my mind.”

Fourthly, express your specific requests, “I hope you could come back before 8 pm at least three days a week so that we can have dinner together, alright?”

If a wife communicated with her husband in this way, there would be fewer quarrels.

Unfortunately few people express their specific requests in their life.

One of my friends looks thin, while his wife is a little chubby. To watch her weight, his wife always said, “I don’t want to eat anything this evening,” and doesn’t prepare dinner. My friend sometimes feels frustrated and complains, “My wife drives me crazy. She doesn’t cook dinner for me.”

I suggested, “You should tell your wife what you want.”

He replied, “I have told her.”I asked what he said. He answered, “Cook something for me.”

“Cook something for me” is not a specific request. His wife might think that cooking instant noodles is a nice choice.

In reality, people often have different understandings of these vague words. Many girls in love often declare, “You should be nice to me.”

What’s the implied meaning of “be nice to me”? We don’t know, so I’m sorry, but I can’t.

Remember the four steps of nonviolent communication: tell facts, express feelings, explain reasons, and express specific requests.

Why don’t many people make it? We are very prone to be controlled by our emotions and using violent communication, so we still need to learn nonviolent communication systematically.

(FromReading Is a Lifetime Thing, Beijing United Publishing Co., Ltd. Translation: Li Li)

非暴力溝通的結(jié)構(gòu)是，第一步說出一個(gè)事實(shí)，例如：“老公，這一個(gè)星期，你有5 天都是11 點(diǎn)以后才回來，而且身上都有酒味?！?/p>

第二步講出自己的感受：“我覺得特別難過?！?/p>

第三步講原因：“因?yàn)槲蚁Ｍ覀兊募蚁褚粋€(gè)家，而不是一個(gè)旅館，大家能夠一起吃晚飯，能夠一塊兒聊聊天。在我心里，這才是一個(gè)家的感覺。”

第四步講出一個(gè)清晰而明確的要求：“我希望以后你能夠每周有3 天在8 點(diǎn)以前回來，咱們一塊兒吃晚飯，你覺得怎么樣？”

當(dāng)妻子能夠用這樣的方法跟丈夫溝通的時(shí)候，吵架的概率就會(huì)低很多。

生活中有很多人根本不會(huì)提出具體的要求。

我有個(gè)朋友，長得很瘦，他的妻子有點(diǎn)兒胖。他的妻子經(jīng)常到了晚上就說“今天晚上不吃了”，就不做飯了。我朋友很餓，就跟我抱怨說：“她不好好做飯，氣死我了?！?/p>

我說：“那你提出你的要求啊。”他說：“我提了。”

我問他是怎么提的，他說他告訴妻子：“你給我好好做飯?！?/p>

“你給我好好做飯”，這真的不是具體的要求，他的妻子認(rèn)為煮方便面就是好好做飯了。

人和人之間，對這些模糊的詞的理解是不一樣的。很多女孩子常說：“你要對我好一點(diǎn)兒?！?/p>

什么叫作“對我好一點(diǎn)兒”？因?yàn)椴恢?，所以“臣妾做不到”?/p>

非暴力溝通中簡單的四步：講事實(shí)，講感受，講原因，提要求。

我們?yōu)槭裁床蝗菀鬃龅剑?/p>

因?yàn)槲覀優(yōu)楸┝贤ǖ那榫w所掌控。

所以，除了方法，我們還需要系統(tǒng)地學(xué)習(xí)非暴力溝通。

（摘自《讀書是一輩子的事》北京聯(lián)合出版公司）