雅思習作評改系列（5）：你還在寫流水句嗎？

在雅思寫作考官給定的評分細則里，經常出現“本作文的標點符號使用有不少問題”的評語。很多同學不太明白這個標點符號問題究竟指的是什么。其實，對中國學生而言，標點符號問題往往出現在該用句號的時候卻用逗號，從而造成所謂的“流水句”（run-on sentence）。流水句寫得多了，分數也會無可奈何隨之流走，非常可惜。

很麻煩的是，中國學生中的英語流水句現象非常普遍，而且難以根除。老雅曾經在某個作文班一開始時就與學生打賭：課程結束之后，如果你們的英語作文中完全根除了流水句，那老雅就請全班吃飯！學生們都發誓不犯這個錯誤。但到最后，老雅還是在學生的作文中發現了兩例十分典型的流水句，讓全班其他同學的努力付之東流。那么，為什么中國學生非常容易寫出英語流水句來呢？究其原因，還是因為中文語法的影響。原來，中文里使用流水句完全是自然、合法的！隨便摘錄一句中文“我們要保護環境，這很重要”，我們肯定使用逗號，而不會使用句號。但若按照中文將這句轉化為英語“We should protect the environment， this is important.”那就是標準的流水句了，因為“We should protect the environment”已經是一個完整的句子，而“this is important”也是一個完整的句子，這兩個完整的句子之間必須要有連接詞來表達它們之間的關系，這才符合英語語法要求。因此，這個句子可以按照以下方式修改：

A. We should protect the environment. This is important.

B. We should protect the environment， and this is important.

C. We should protect the environment， which is important.

本期老雅給大家修改一篇學生習作，該作文中出現了多次流水句現象，希望各位烤鴨能從本次修改文中吸取教訓，在今后的寫作中避免此類問題，不再給考官留下扣分的理由。

題目

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

學生習作

With the development of interaction between human beings， sense to deal with fierce competitions have become the most important thing for education in many schools. However there are still some of people insisting that cooperating with others can makes children more useful when they grow up. In the following essay， both of views of education would be discussed and my own opinion would be given.

Students in schools are suffering under lager pressure of competition， from this， teachers and parents are all encouraging students to develop their sense of competition. As a result， children could realize that they have to study very well in order to get to a famous university and finally be employed by a well paid company. And this realization might encourage teenagers to be diligent and work hard on study. Besides， developing children’s competition sense provides a “warm up” for their future job， when they get to work， competitions are more intense and unavoidable. The earlier children develop the sense of competition the better they can fit in the working environment.

By contrast， only competition is not enough to train a children into useful adults when they grow up， corporation is also extremely important. First， corporation can insure the quality of the product they made which the diversity of students could provide better and all-round ideas. As a result， the decision made by a team is more reliable and more feasible. Second， working as a team can also help children develop their skills of communication and they can understand other better. This could foster children into a useful person when they start to work the society.

Conclusively， although competition sense is very necessary， the usage of corporation cannot be ignore. So teachers should improving the sense of competition of students while developing their skills to corporate.

評分：5.5

總評：具有一定的英語表達能力;能用英語表達觀點并對其進行一定程度的論證;邏輯基本清楚（個別地方模糊），詞匯能達意（有不少錯誤），句型能傳達思想（有較多錯誤，個別地方影響讀者理解）。需要在語言表達準確度上進一步努力。

逐句修改

第1段：With the development of interaction between human beings， sense to deal with fierce competitions have become the most important thing for education in many schools. However there are still some of people insisting that cooperating with others can makes children more useful when they grow up. In the following essay， both of views of education would be discussed and my own opinion would be given.

【老雅修改】As the interaction among people increases day by day， many schools have regarded it as the most important thing to develop children’s sense of competition. However， some people still insist that cooperation with others makes children more useful when they grow up. In my view， sense of competition and cooperation are equally significant for children’s growth.

【老雅點評】1. 作為開頭段，基本合格，老雅僅僅做了部分語言調整。2. with the development of interaction between human beings這個表達是很奇怪的，interaction怎么會發展？顯然，這里想說的是人類之間的交往越來越多，可改為：as the interaction among people increases...。3. can makes是一個絕對的語法錯誤。4. In the following essay...，這是個套路句子，請盡量避免。應該直接表達觀點。

第2段：Students in schools are suffering under lager pressure of competition， from this， teachers and parents are all encouraging students to develop their sense of competition. As a result， children could realize that they have to study very well in order to get to a famous university and finally be employed by a well paid company. And this realization might encourage teenagers to be diligent and work hard on study. Besides， developing children’s competition sense provides a “warm up” for their future job， when they get to work， competitions are more intense and unavoidable. The earlier children develop the sense of competition the better they can fit in the working environment.

【老雅修改】As students in school are suffering from huge pressure， teachers and parents are all encouraging students to develop their sense of competition. As a result， children realize that they have to study very well in order to get to a famous university and finally be employed by a well-paying company. And this realization might give impetus to teenagers to be diligent and work hard. Besides， developing children’s sense of competition provides a‘warm up’ for their future job， since competitions will become more intense when they get to the job market. The earlier children develop the sense of competition the better they can fit in the working environment.

【老雅點評】1. 本段寫培養競爭意識的好處，原文基本意思表達清楚。2. 原文有一個不太好的傾向：在兩個意思有關聯的句子之間，不用連接詞，從而讓句子成為“流水句”。比如：

A. Students in schools are suffering under lager pressure of competition， from this， teachers and parents are all encouraging students to develop their sense of competition.

前后兩個獨立句子之間，用from this相連接，而且都是逗號，這是受漢語語法影響的結果。英語中，需要把兩個句子用句號分開，或者把其中一個句子變成從句，可修改為：As students in school are suffering from huge pressure， teachers and parents are all encouraging students to develop their sense of competition. [把前面一句變成原因狀語從句]

B. Besides， developing children’s competition sense provides a “warm up” for their future job， when they get to work， competitions are more intense and unavoidable.

這同樣是個流水句，因為前面是一個獨立句子，后面又是一個獨立句子，兩者用逗號連接，而且沒有任何連接詞。修改為：

Besides， developing children’s sense of competition provides a “warm up” for their future job， since competitions will become more intense when they get to the job market. [把后面一句變成原因狀語從句]

第3段：By contrast， only competition is not enough to train a children into useful adults when they grow up， corporation is also extremely important. First， corporation can insure the quality of the product they made which the diversity of students could provide better and all-round ideas. As a result， the decision made by a team is more reliable and more feasible. Second， working as a team can also help children develop their skills of communication and they can understand other better. This could foster children into a useful person when they start to work the society.

【老雅修改】However， only competition is not enough to train children into useful adults when they grow up， for corporation is also extremely important. First， as the decisions made by a team are always more reliable and feasible， the products a team makes can be ensured in quality because together， they can provide better and all-round ideas. Second， working as a team can also help children develop their skills of communication and they can understand each other better. This could foster children into a useful person when they start to work.

【老雅點評】1. 本段講合作的好處。論述顯得比較薄弱，而且有些句子無法讀懂，邏輯也比較混亂，是本習作中最糟糕的一個段落。可以這樣論證：合作可以讓學生學會如何與人打交道，如何溝通協調，為了一個共同的目標做出自己的努力。將來學生在工作中往往不需要單打獨斗，往往需要與人合作，因此合作尤其重要。2. By contrast不太合適，此處是轉折，應該用However。3. 第一句還是流水句，修改文中添加了for就規避了這個錯誤！4. 本段最大問題是這句：... corporation can insure the quality of the product they made which the diversity of students could provide better and all-round ideas. As a result， the decision made by a team is more reliable and more feasible. 這里要講的原因到底是什么？是說合作能夠帶來更可靠的決定，還是合作能夠帶來更好的產品。我的理解是合作首先帶來更可靠的決定，然后才是帶來更好的產品。寫作中一定要理順思想之間的關系，顛倒后就讓人無法讀懂。

第4段：Conclusively， although competition sense is very necessary， the usage of corporation cannot be ignore. So teachers should improving the sense of competition of students while developing their skills to corporate.

【老雅修改】 In conclusion， although the sense of competition is very necessary， the ability to cooperate with others cannot be ignored. So teachers should cultivate children’s sense of competition and develop their skills to corporate.

【老雅點評】1. 結論段意思上沒有大問題，但語法上錯誤也不少。2. conclusively 還是用in conclusion。3. the usage of cooperation這個表達非常奇怪，是“合作的用法”嗎？4. cannot be ignore應該是cannot be ignored。5. should improving應該是should improve。

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