Humors in the Old Times

By [Ming Dynasty] Jiang Yingke

Those Who Live Far Away Can Leave First

There was one man who was a real tippler. One day, at a party in a friend's house with a bunch of people he had drunk way too much but didn't want to go home. He looked at everyone, crosseyed, and said, “Those who live far away can feel free to leave first.”

The guests left one after another in quick succession, leaving only him behind. The host didn't want to kick him out, so all he could do was just to continue to keep him company.

After a while the man, again, said, “Those who live far away can feel free to leave first.”

The host laughed and said, “Apart from you I'm the only one here.”

The guy retorted, “You still need to walk to your bedroom. I'm going to have another couple of drinks and then lie down here and sleep for the night.”

Eyebrows

There was a scoundrel whose family was very poor. The New Year was coming and he had no money to buy things in preparation for the celebrations. His wife asked him what he was going to do and he told her, “I have a plan.”

Just then a barber passed by on the street. He approached the barber and asked him to shave his head, and said “Snip off my eyebrows too.” The barber didn't get it but complied anyway.

After the barber had just cropped off one of the eyebrows the man screamed, “You give a haircut and also cut off eyebrows, do you?” Yelling, he threatened to take the man to appear before the magistrate.

The barber didn't want any trouble so all he could do was to pay him 300 wen (the smallest unit of Chinese money in ancient times) in compensation. The mantook the money and went to buy the things his family needed for New Year's celebrations.

His wife saw him and said, “You might as well shave off the other eyebrow. You don't look good with only one eyebrow.”

The man replied, “You're really not very calculating. I'm keeping this eyebrow for the coming Lantern Festival.”

No Time For Telling Lies

There was a young kid from Wuling who was very adept at lying. One day he saw an old man he knew on the road. The old man said, “Everyone says you're good at lying, can you lie once to me and see if you can trick me?”

The kid replied, “Someone just told me that the East Lake has dried up and everyone has gone there to catch fish. I need to hurry up and get there too; I have no time to tell you lies.” After he finished speaking he rushed off.

The old man, taken in, also headed to the East Lake. After he got there, he saw the vast endless waters and only then was it that he realized that he had been duped.

Another day the kid passed the house where a nobleman lived. The distinguished person called from upstairs, “Everyone says you're a good liar, can you fool me to come downstairs?”

The kid replied, “You're up there, there's nothing that I can do. But if you were down here, I could trick you into going upstairs.”

The honored person didn't believe it and immediately went downstairs to say, “Let's see how you'll trick me into going back upstairs.”

Donor's Book Keeps Off Tigers

A bandit and a mendicant Buddhist monk were traveling together. On the way they encountered a tiger. The bandit grabbed a weapon and struck the tiger. The tiger seemingly wasn't afraid of humans in the slightest and started circling while battling with the bandit.

The monk had no weapon and the only thing he could toss at the tiger was his notebook that he kept for recording alms numbers in. Unthinkably, the tiger saw the book and immediately fled off into the forest.

The tiger's son was extremely confused and asked his dad, “You're not afraid of a marauder but why you are frightened of a monk?”

The tiger said, “Son, there are things that you do not know. When the outlaws come I can fight like crazy with them. But this monk, he is a mendicant. If he asks me for money, and I have no money to give him, I also cannot fight him, how do you want me to get rid of such a person? All I can do is run away from it all.”

(From Xuetao's Collection of Anecdotes. Translation: Sam Bowden)

廣笑府

文/[明] 江盈科

路遠(yuǎn)者先走

有人極貪杯。一天，他和許多人在朋友家聚會(huì)，喝得酩酊大醉，卻不肯回家。他斜著眼睛對(duì)眾人說：“路遠(yuǎn)者盡管先走。”

客人陸續(xù)告辭，只剩下他。主人不好意思逐客，只得繼續(xù)相陪。

一會(huì)兒，此人又說：“路遠(yuǎn)者盡管先走。”

主人笑著說：“除你之外，就只有我一人。”

前幾天，同事給我一道初二數(shù)學(xué)題讓我解答，我如今只會(huì)加減乘除，那些公式、理論早都不記得了，好在我有外援，那就是最擅長(zhǎng)解此題的當(dāng)然是我那才參加高考的表弟。

此人說：“你還要走到內(nèi)室，我再喝幾杯，就躺在這里睡覺。”

眉毛

有一無賴，家里很窮，春節(jié)將至，沒有錢辦年貨。妻子問他怎么辦。他說：“我自有辦法。”

這時(shí)，街上來一剃頭匠。他走過去要剃頭，說：“把我的眉毛也剃掉吧。”剃頭匠雖然不理解，也答應(yīng)可以。

剛剃去一邊，此人突然大聲喊道：“給人剃頭，有剃眉毛的嗎？”說著，他拉起剃頭匠要去見官。

剃頭匠不愿招惹麻煩，只得賠償三百文錢。此人便用這些錢購(gòu)買了年貨。

妻子說：“不如把那邊眉毛也剃去吧，只剩一邊不好看。”

此人說：“你好沒算計(jì)。這一半眉毛，還要留著過元宵節(jié)呢。”

沒空說謊

武陵有一少年，善于說謊。一天，他在路上遇到一位熟識(shí)的老人。老人說：“人們都說你善于說謊，你能否給我說一次，看能不能騙著我？”

少年說：“剛聽人說東湖的水干了，大家都去捉魚。我也要趕去，現(xiàn)在沒時(shí)間跟你撒謊。”說完，他急匆匆走去。

老人信以為真，也向東湖走去，到達(dá)之后，只見白茫茫一片，才醒悟已經(jīng)上當(dāng)。

又一天，少年路過某貴人樓下。貴人在樓上喊：“人們都說你善于撒謊，你能否將我騙下樓去？”

少年說：“你在樓上，我沒有辦法。你若在樓下，我就有辦法將你騙到樓上去。”

貴人不相信，立即下樓，說：“我看你如何能騙我上樓。”

少年說：“我本是騙你下來，何必再騙你上去？”

化緣簿退虎

一強(qiáng)盜和一化緣和尚同行，途中遇到一只老虎。強(qiáng)盜手持武器打虎，老虎似乎并不怕人，與強(qiáng)盜周旋搏斗。

和尚沒有武器，只好把用來記錄化緣數(shù)目的本子向老虎投去。沒想到，老虎看到此物，立即逃入山林。

老虎的兒子深感困惑，問爸爸：“您不怕強(qiáng)盜，卻為何怕一和尚？”

老虎說：“兒有所不知。強(qiáng)盜來時(shí)，爸爸可以和他拼命廝打。這個(gè)和尚卻是化緣的，若向我要錢，我無錢給他，又不能打，你讓我如何打發(fā)？故只能一走了之。”

（摘自《雪濤諧史》）