A Bloodless Victory

By Dong Hai

There is an old saying that

goes, every family has

happiness and sorrow.And another one that says, behind every successful family man, there is a woman whose intelligence is off the charts.

My old buddy Curry is an ace Mahjong player. Known as the“one-finger master,” he could guess a Mahjong tile just by touching it with one finger. He used to call or text us to join him for a game or two by saying “one short three,” meaning he was ready to play with three others,as Mahjong is a game of four persons. Then one day out of the blue he announced he was quitting gambling.

I was thrown for a loop. Could he really make a clean break of gambling? Or was it that his wife had had a fit which changed his mind?

“Well,” sighed Curry, “she is the perfect woman. She has never once objected to my Mahjong hobby. Actually, whenever I played, it was always her serving the food and drinks, and even helping me keep track of the gambling chips so that I could focus on the game.”

I was floored. Could any wife be so perfect?

俗話說，一家有一家的幸福，一家有一家的痛苦，每一個五好男人背后，都可能站著一個智商爆表的太太。

老友咖喱是一位麻場驍將，號稱“一指禪”，一根指頭，就能摸出所有麻將牌的花色。最近，咖喱宣布戒賭，不再整天給大家發短信、打電話，吆喝“一缺三”。

我納悶，難道狗真能改掉吃屎的本性，是被老婆一哭二鬧三上吊給威脅的吧？

咖喱嘆口氣說，她才是賢惠人呢，從來就沒反對過我打麻將，好吃好喝地在旁邊伺候，幫我管理賬目，讓我專心搓麻。

我更納悶了，難道天底下有這么賢惠的太太？

咖喱嘆氣：問題是，她執行的是收支兩條線，輸的是我的錢，贏了是她的。

無獨有偶。曾經一天趕過五個場子的不倒翁同學，現在也宣布戒酒，即使非喝不可，也是白酒不過一兩，啤酒不過一瓶，誰勸他多喝，就跟誰翻臉。我問他，是身體查出毛病來了？不倒翁搖搖頭，說健康著呢。我又問，是老婆難纏吧？不倒翁搖搖頭，說老婆大人寬宏大量，對我喝酒的事，從來就沒管過，說男人不喝酒，就算不上男人。

我百思不得其解：“那是為什么？”

同學面色凝重：“問題是，酒在家里喝，她總是伙同他人將我灌醉，讓我先睡；在外喝，她總是勸我，玩就要玩痛快，不用擔心她，每次我喝酒，她都比我晚回。賢惠是賢惠，問題是，我總覺得哪里有些不對勁。”

資深煙民老紀戒煙的消息，無異于一顆重磅炸彈，讓我們一幫子人大驚失色，感覺這是個狠角色，連戒煙這樣的事都能干出來，還有啥事干不出來？

老婆曾經跟他商量“少抽點，抽點好的”，結果，老紀一句話就給頂回去：“我爹都沒管過我，你個當老婆的，還能管我？”

我很好奇，這么硬氣的老紀，怎么突然就想通了，下定決心戒煙呢？

老紀滿面哀愁：那天，我在床上抽完煙睡覺，結果被子著火，給燙醒了，發現老婆就在旁邊笑嘻嘻地看。我責怪她不叫我，結果，人家這么回答我：“你爹都沒管過你，我個當老婆的還能管你？”

根據老紀的說法，他懷疑那場事故，壓根不是失火，而是故意縱火。

（摘自《2016年中國幽默作品精選》長江文藝出版社）

Curry sighed even more deeply this time and continued, “She separates the profits and losses,which means, if I lose, I have to pay the losses out of my own pocket, but if I win, the profits end up in her pocket.”

Curry is not the Lone Ranger,an old classmate of mine with such a high alcohol tolerance once attended five banquets in a day without getting drunk announced he had quit drinking. If in a situation where he has to drink,he keeps it to just one shot of Chinese white wine or one bottle of beer at the most, and if anyone tries to force more alcohol on him,he turns into a ferocious beast and just lays into them. I asked him if he had gone to the doctor and found something wrong, but he just shook his head and said that all was well. So, I asked if his wife was giving him the runaround about his drinking. Again he shook his head and said his wife was very lenient to him and never stopped him from drinking even one drop, and was even of the opinion that a man who doesn’t drink is no man at all.

“Then why would you give up alcohol?” I wondered.

“The thing is,” my classmate said with a serious expression,“whenever I drank at home with my friends she would always gang up with them to get me drunk so I would pass out as soon as possible; and whenever I went out drinking, she would always encourage me to just have fun and forget about her, then she would come home even later than me. I mean, yeah yeah, people always say it’s like she’s the perfect woman, but I can’t help feeling that something’s rotten in Denmark.”

The shocking news that chain smoker Old Ji decided to quit smoking came as a bombshell to us all. We all agreed that he’s a tough dude, and that if he could manage to kick the cigarettes to the curb, what else couldn’t he be capable of?

His wife once suggested, “Don’t smoke too many cigarettes.Smoke some good quality ones if you must.” But Old Ji retorted,“Not even my own father ever had the nerve to nose around in my business. Why in the world do you think a wife has that right?”

So why would this hard-headed man suddenly go soft and decide to quit smoking? I was burning with curiosity.

Old Ji said, looking rather glum, “That very same day I dozed off smoking in bed. Suddenly the blanket was on fire, and I woke up when it started burning me.I started panicking but my wife was just standing there watching with a big smile on her face. I was furious at her for being so flippant about it, but she replied, ‘Not even your own father had the nerve to nose around in your business,what would give your little old wife that right?’”

According to Old Ji, he seriously doubted if the fire was an accident, or rather, it was set on purpose.

(From Collected Chinese Humorous Stories of 2016,Changjiang Literature & Art Press. Translation: Zhu Yaguang)