高級(jí)表達(dá)范例精析

吳玉紅

高考英語作文要達(dá)到優(yōu)秀檔，同學(xué)們除了要具備強(qiáng)大的詞匯量、完備的英語語法知識(shí)體系，語言駕馭能力也要不斷提高。要提高這種駕馭能力，我們就要從用語書面化、語言邏輯性、流暢性、句式及語法結(jié)構(gòu)多樣化、靈活性和詞匯高級(jí)化這幾個(gè)方面進(jìn)行錘煉。

以2015年北京市高考英語作文為例：

假設(shè)你是紅星中學(xué)高三學(xué)生李華。請(qǐng)根據(jù)以下四幅圖的先后順序，介紹在“傳統(tǒng)文化進(jìn)校園”活動(dòng)中，向面人藝術(shù)家學(xué)習(xí)捏面人的過程，并以A Day with a Craftsman為題，給校刊“英語角”寫一篇英文稿件。

注意：詞數(shù)不少于60。

提示詞：一個(gè)面團(tuán)a piece of dough； 面人dough figurine.

這是一篇看圖敘事作文，四幅圖的內(nèi)容分別是：老藝人到來、展示手藝、指導(dǎo)學(xué)生和成果展示。

讓我們來看看習(xí)作Ⅰ：

Last Tuesday， an old craftsman came to our classroom. Why？ Because he was invited to teach us how to make dough figurines. We gave him a warm welcome. Our head teacher asked two boys to help the old man to carry and open his tool box. The craftsman began to show us his craft.

We stood there quietly and looked at his performance carefully. His fingers were skilled and the performance was great. We all felt very surprised. Not a long time later， he finished making a monkey， a rooster， a fat pig and the god of longevity.

When it was my turn to have a try， the old man asked what I wanted to make and I said， “A starfish.” But in fact it was hard to make. I dont know how to use such different kinds of tools. But after the craftsman encouraged me， I made it. I got a lively starfish and my classmates praised me.

I remembered a Chinese saying ， nothing in the world is difficult for one who sets his mind to it. I think it is the same reason in our daily work or study. From this experience we know ： To get more ， we should give more.

點(diǎn)評(píng) 第一段中Why？ Because ... figurines.太過口語化，直接用陳述句表達(dá)更好。

Our head teacher asked ... tool box.與The craftsman began to show us his craft.之間有先后承接關(guān)系，可以改為復(fù)合句。

第二段中We stood there ... carefully.這里的描述不夠清晰、生動(dòng)。

His fingers were skilled and the performance was great. We all felt very surprised.這兩句有因果關(guān)系，可合為一句。Not a long time later可換成Before long。

第三段中的When it was ...“A starfish.”不夠簡練。

I got a lively starfish and my classmates praised me.此句在流暢性及感染力上稍有欠缺。

最后一段是表達(dá)所感所想。I think it is the same reason in our daily work or study.這句可用更高級(jí)的詞組go for表達(dá)“適用于”這個(gè)意思。

于是總結(jié)可形成修改后的習(xí)作Ⅱ：

Last Tuesday， an old man came to our classroom. He was invited to teach us how to make dough figurines. We gave the old man a warm welcome. Two boys helped him with the tool box， the old man began to show us his craft.

We surrounded the craftsman quietly and watched his performance carefully. We were surprised by his skilled fingers and wonderful performance. Before long， he finished making a monkey， a rooster， a fat pig and the god of longevity.

When I was allowed to have a try， I wanted to make a starfish. But it was so difficult in practice. The piece of dough was hard to shape and I didnt know how to use different kinds of tools. But the craftsman encouraged me to try. At last I succeeded. A lively starfish appeared and my classmates praised me.

In China there is a saying， nothing in the world is difficult for one who sets his mind to it. It also goes for our routine work or study. From this experience we know if we want to get more from one thing，we must work harder about it.

但是習(xí)作Ⅱ與習(xí)作Ⅰ比起來只是邏輯性稍強(qiáng)，語言更流暢，要達(dá)到優(yōu)秀作文的檔次還需要進(jìn)一步潤色。

我們可以將習(xí)作Ⅱ第一段中的Last Tuesday ... dough figurines.整合成復(fù)合句，接著可用no sooner ... than ...使句式更多樣化。Two boys helped him with the tool box， the old man began to show us his craft.這句基于同樣的考慮，可用with somebodys help這個(gè)結(jié)構(gòu)表達(dá)。

第二段中We surrounded the craftsman quietly and watched his performance carefully. 還可用分詞作狀語，并且通過提升單詞來實(shí)現(xiàn)高級(jí)表達(dá)。We were surprised ... performance. 此句可通過表語前置達(dá)到強(qiáng)調(diào)的作用。另外感嘆句的使用也是提升文章感染力、多樣化句式的手段，如How skilled his fingers were and what a subtle craftsman！就是對(duì)上句很好的闡釋。習(xí)作Ⅱ中用到的before long可進(jìn)一步提煉為“it +時(shí)間段+before ...”句式。

第三段中When I was allowed to have a try， I wanted to make a starfish. 也可用it occur to somebody that ...來表示靈感的不期而至。而當(dāng)表達(dá)做某事有困難時(shí)，可用have trouble in doing sth.使表達(dá)更地道。But the craftsman encouraged ... praised me.這一組表達(dá)平淡無奇，可以加入更高級(jí)的短語詞組以及從句。

最后一段中的From this experience ... about it.也可用We are convinced that ...這個(gè)更地道的表達(dá)來代替，而表達(dá)“投入與收獲”我們還學(xué)過devote ... to ...和achieve。

然后我們得到習(xí)作Ⅲ如下：

Last Tuesday， an old craftsman， who had been invited to teach us how to make dough figurines， turned up in our classroom. That was what we had been eager for. So no sooner had the craftsman arrived than he received a warm welcome from us. Then， with two boys help with the tool box， he set about displaying his craft.

Holding our breath， we surrounded the old man and watched attentively. Amazed were we by his magic performance. How skilled his fingers were and what a subtle craftsman！ It didnt take a long time before the old man produced a series of vivid dough figurines， such as a monkey， a rooster， a fat pig and even the god of longevity.

When it was my turn to practice， it suddenly occurred to me that I could make a starfish-shaped dough figurine. While trying， I had much trouble in shaping the piece of dough and dealing with the complicated tools. Owing to the old craftsmans patient guidance， I managed to present my work， which was highly spoken of by our classmates.

As the saying goes， nothing in the world is difficult for one who sets his mind to it. It also goes for our routine work or study. We are convinced that the more we are devoted to one thing， the more well achieve from it.