Relatively Horrible

孫佳慧

How to fight back against annoying family members

過年回家，該如何從容應對親戚的“拷問”？

Warm family reunions， a table of delicious food， fireworks—ah， Spring Festival. The reality， however， tends to be nerve-wracking， what with all the boring， annoying， and woefully offensive questions from Chinese relatives.

From “Can you understand the English words on TV？” to “How much did your parents pay for your tuition？”， every mundane facet of your life seems to interest them. They care about you， but they lecture you and judge you. For “leftover” people， the question “Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend？” is enough to make you spit.

You might think this is an easy question to answer， but—oh you sweet， innocent simpleton—whether your answer is “yes” or “no”， follow-up questions await， ready to pounce at the first sign of weakness.

Lets start with “yes”. If you admit you are in a relationship， the focus will immediately be transferred to your partner.

Relative： Good for you！ How old is he？

T3i h2o le！ T` du4 d3 ni1nj#？

太好了！他多大年紀？

You： Same as me.

H9 w6 y！y3ng d3.

和我一樣大。

R： Oh， thats good. How much does he earn every month？

N3 h0nh2o a. T` y！ g- yu- zh-ng du4shao qi1n？

那很好啊。他一個月掙多少錢？

Y： Uh…

?……

呃……

R： If there is not an economic problem， you should consider getting married.

J～ngj# m9i w-nt！ dehu3， n@men y～ngg`i k2ol_ ji9h$n le.

經濟沒問題的話，你們應該考慮結婚了。

Y： We havent planned that.

W6men h1i m9i j#hu3.

我們還沒計劃。

R： Then you should. Think about your age！

G`i j#hu3 le. Xi2ngxi2ng n@ d4u du4 d3 le！

該計劃了。想想你都多大了！

Lets face it. Relatives have no concept of “privacy”; anything from age to salary is asked about with the polite manners and consideration of a rampaging hippo. And， whats more， regardless of your answers to their barrage of questions the answer is always， “You should get married，” which， as advice goes， is not helpful.

So maybe you decide that youre going to avoid all that， and just answer “no” to the question. Oh dear. Be aware that now， youre going to hear “you should”. A lot.

R： You are still single？ Oh， you should see someone.

N@ h1i d`nsh8n？ N@ y～ngg`i zh2o n1np9ngy6u le.

你還單身？你應該找男朋友了。

Y： Actually， I am not that desperate.

Q！sh！ w6 h1i b& j！.

其實我還不急。

R： You should be. If you dont find a boyfriend now， the good boys will be picked up by others first.

G`i j！ le. N@ xi3nz3i b& zh2o， h2on1nh1ir d4u b-i bi9r9n ti`o z6u le！

該急了。你現在不找，好男孩兒都被別人挑走了！

Y： I will be able to find my Mr. Right in the future.

W6 ji`ngl1i hu# zh2od3o h9sh# de du#xi3ng.

我將來會找到合適的對象。

R： You should take action now. What are your standards for a boyfriend？ Let me fix you up.

N@ xi3nz3i ji&g`i x！ngd7ng le. N@ xi2ng zh2o sh9nme y3ngr de？ W6 b`ng n@ ji-sh3o ba.

你現在就該行動了。你想找什么樣兒的？我幫你介紹吧。

If you dont want a blind date in the very near future， end the conversation. Or， maybe ask the nosy relative a question in the same vein， like when they are going to die and that they should really think about it because they need to “think about their age”.

What， you think youre exempt just because youre married？ Ha！ No， now they expect you to impregnate or be impregnated by someone—a subject everyone is happy to discuss with their family members.

Again， the advice they give is the same. But， if youve had a shotgun wedding and planned nine months in advance， youre still going to face questions about educational issues from kindergarten to university.

Since it is clear that we are all targets regardless of our life choices， it might be time to work on some strategy.

People love dishing out advice much more than taking it. You should be aware that they wont end their lectures unless they feel that you have accepted all their opinions. If you want the easy way out， youre just going to have to capitulate. Talking back is definitely not a good idea， because it would incur more nagging. You need a bag of tricks. The most effective is using your parents as a firewall. They can bully you， but it would be rude to bully your parents （yet）.

R： Are you planning to have a baby this year？

N@ d2su3n j～nni1n y3o h1izi ma？

你打算今年要孩子嗎？

Y： Yeah， I hope to. But my mom suggested we consider the babys zodiac sign.

Sh# de， w6 xi2ng y3o. D3nsh# w6 m` ji3ny# w6men k2ol_ y！xi3 h1izi de sh^xiang.

是的，我想要。但是我媽建議我們考慮一下孩子的屬相。

Of course， details of marriage and babies are far from enough to sate their curiosity. Your career， income， and lifestyle will all be topics. They will seize every opportunity to show sympathy and teach you a life lesson—even and especially if their life has been rubbish. In this situation， you can consider switching the conversation to another direction or a deeper level.

R： Arent the housing prices in Beijing very expensive？

B0ij～ng de f1ngz$ b%sh# h0n gu# ma?？

北京的房租不是很貴嗎？

Y： Yeah， they are.

Sh# t@ng gu# de.

是挺貴的。

R： Then why do you have to live there？ Come back home and get married！ Life would be much easier！

N3 n@ w-i sh9nme h1i li% z3i n3r？ Hu！ji` ji9h$n ba！ Ji`l@ r#zi h2gu7 du4 le！

那你為什么還留在那兒？回家結婚吧！家里日子好過多了！

Y： I remember a report that said our hometown is experiencing an aging population and a labor shortage. What do you think of this？

W6 j#de y6u b3od3o shu4 z1nmen ji`xi`ng

r9nk6u l2ol！nghu3 h9 l1od7ngl# du2nqu8 w-nt！ h0n y1nzh7ng. Zh8xi8 w-nt！ n@ z0nme k3n ？

我記得有報道說咱們家鄉人口老齡化和勞動力短缺問題很嚴重。這些問題你怎么看？

To some extent， attack is the best defense. Sometimes the best way to get rid of an annoying relative is being one first， just like the old Chinese saying： “以子之矛，攻子之盾（y@ z@ zh～ m1o， g4ng z@ zh～ d&n， set your own spear against your own shield）. On social media， the news of the two-child policy has been made into a dialogue as an effective offensive weapon.

Y： Aunt， will you have a second child？

Ay！， n@ d2su3n y3o -rt`i ma ？

阿姨，你打算要二胎嗎？

R： No， I dont think so.

B& d2su3n.

不打算。

Y： Why not？ Auntie Wang next door is already pregnant！

W-i sh9nme？ G9b# W1ng `y！ d4u y@j～ng hu1iy&n le！

為什么？隔壁王阿姨都已經懷孕了！

R： Thats not an easy decision.

Zh- b&n9ng q～ngy# ju9d#ng.

這不能輕易決定。

Y： But if you dont have the second child， your life is incomplete！

D3nsh# r%gu5 b& sh8ng -rt`i， n@ de r9nsh8ng sh# b& w1nzh0ng de！

但是如果不生二胎，你的人生是不完整的！

Too aggressive？ Maybe. But alls fair in Spring Festival arguments. Maybe you can keep the conversation under control without resorting to rudeness. Remember： your objective is to make your relative the subject of conversation.

R： Do you have a girlfriend now？

N@ y6u n）p9ngy6u le ma？

你有女朋友了嗎？

Y： Not yet， uncle. But I heard that you are preparing a wedding house for my cousin. When will he get married？

H1i m9iy6u， sh$shu. D3nsh# w6 t～ngshu4

n@men z3i g0i bi2og8 zh^nb-i h$nf1ng le. T` sh9nme sh！hou ji9h$n？

還沒有，叔叔。但是我聽說你們在給表哥準備婚房了。他什么時候結婚？

R： It has not been decided yet.

H1i m9i d#ng xi3l1i ne.

還沒定下來呢。

Y： After my cousin has a baby， will you help raise it？

N3 bi2og8 y6u le h2izi zh～h7u， n@men hu# b`ngm1ng d3i ma？

那表哥有了孩子之后，你們會幫忙帶嗎？

R： We havent discussed that yet.

W6men h1i m9i sh`ngliang gu7.

我們還沒商量過。

Y： Oh， by the way， I hear that there might be a new policy postponing the retirement age. When will you retire from work？

Du# le， w6 t～ngshu4 k0n9ng y3o y6u tu～ch！ tu#xi$ de zh-ngc- le， n！n sh9nme sh！hou tu#xi$?？

對了，我聽說可能要有推遲退休的政策了，您什么時候退休？

Ah， the sweet taste of ones own medicine. Yes， you can find out hundreds of solutions to resist these annoying questions， but honestly， in most cases， peoples intentions are good. They are just trying to be nice and want to shorten emotional distances. Perhaps you can try to communicate sincerely， appreciate their care， and let them know that you care about them too. After all， family reunions are a happy occasion.

R： How are you doing these days？ Do you have a boyfriend now？

Zh- du3n sh！ji`n gu7 de z0nmey3ng？ Y6u n1np9ngy6u le ma？

這段時間過得怎么樣？有男朋友了嗎？

Y： No， I am still single， but everything is good. What about you？ Are you all in good health？ I miss you guys so much！

M9iy6u， w6 h1i d`nsh8n. W6 y！qi- d4u h2o，

n@men ne？ Sh8nt@ d4u h2o ma?？ W6 t3i xi2ngni3n n@men le！

沒有，我還單身。我一切都好，你們呢？身體都好嗎？我太想念你們了！

See？ Its that easy. Well， maybe not， but give it a try.

pull quote：

Since it is clear that we are all targets regardless of our life choices， it might be time to work on some strategy