一位跨性別者的自白

I am an AFAB （assigned female at birth） transman. I use male pronouns. I knew I was male at 3. I came out as transgender to myself when I was 13， to my parents at 14， and to my extended family at 18. I began taking 1）testosterone at 17， and legally changed my name at 18. A surprising number of people think that the trans process is short and simple. Many trans people， myself included， are asked if we’ve had “the operation” （a rude question，） as if that’s the only thing involved in being trans. It’s interesting， because my personal transition has involved years of self-discovery， revelations， hardships， medications， doctors， psychologists， 2）endocrinologists， gender specialists...and it will eventually involve not one operation， but roughly six surgeries over the course of many years！

Gender 3）Reassignment Surgery is an unattainable luxury for many. When I was 21， I was on the waiting list to have my top surgery （a double 4）mastectomy and chest reconstruction） done through my insurance. Unfortunately， I had to move out of state and lost that insurance. Few insurance providers in Nevada cover transgender care. I do not have the $10，000 for that procedure. For all of the surgical care I require， it would cost over $150，000 out of pocket， or the equivalent of buying two houses in my town.

I never dressed “like a girl.” Shopping was an ordeal for both my mother and I. From a young age， I insisted on shopping in the boy’s section. I got a lot of disapproving looks from adults in the store， but I never let anybody tell me how I was supposed to feel. I shaved my head when I was 8. That was the last time my mother ever let my sister take me for a haircut. Since I hacked off most of my own hair when I was 4， I’m sure it could not have been much of a surprise.

In third grade， right after my head shaving experience， a parent volunteer at my school followed me into a restroom and dragged me out， yelling at me in front of the entire playground for using the “wrong”restroom. I simply used the girl’s room， as I had always been instructed. As a painfully shy child， being laughed at by all the students at my school was beyond 5）mortifying. It was bad enough that every single day of elementary school， another student would approach me as I sat alone on a bench and ask， “Are you a boy or a girl？” It happened without fail.

In seventh grade， my gym class had a substitute one day， and we happened to be excused from the track late. We all ran back to the locker rooms to avoid being late for the next class. As I tried to enter， the substitute grabbed my arm， her nails dug into the skin and scratched me painfully， and pulled me out， yelling at me for trying to enter the girl’s locker room. I went to my next class with blood on my arm because I had done what I had always been told to do.

In high school， my vice principal agreed to let me change in the bathroom in the office building instead of the locker room after a girl complained to me that she was uncomfortable in the same locker room as me.

I began binding my chest when I was 13， ten years ago. It’s painful， it makes it hard to breath， I get faint and dizzy and 6）nauseous， and the idea that people would be able to notice my chest size anyway causes me such bad anxiety that I take medication for it. But I cannot leave my house without my binder on， even though it digs into my skin and bruises me， and has almost caused me to pass out at work more than once. This is because I have a fear that if someone notices that I’m trans， they’ll either refer to me as a female， or hurt me. That is not even an irrational fear. People like me are beaten， raped， burned， stoned， drowned， cut， shot， and murdered at a rate that would make any reasonable person terrified.

As a trans person， I’ve had nasty things said to me， things thrown at me， I’ve been shot with a pellet gun from a moving car， someone tried to hit me with a car my sophomore year， and I’ve been laughed at， pointed at， stared at， mocked， and humiliated all my life. I have been called 7）tranny， 8）dyke， he-she， and it， all to my face. In online discussions， people have offered to “teach me how to be a woman” （which essentially means they offered to rape me until I agreed I was female）， told me that I would never“be a man” because of my 9）chromosomes （I’ve never had a chromosome test， so even I don’t know what my chromosomes actually are）， and told that I’m just doing this for male privilege （as if I knew what that was when I was 3）.

Transition is not a one-time thing. For some people， it takes years， and for some， it never ends. I have been in transition for more than a decade， and it will probably take another decade to get where I want to be.

I do not regret deciding to transition. I had suicidal thoughts at the age of 7. Nobody needs that much misery in their life. Since I’ve begun transitioning， I feel free， happy， and complete for the first time in my life.

我是一名跨性別者，出生時為女性。我使用男性人稱代詞。我三歲的時候就意識到我在心理上是男性。在13歲時，我在心理上認同了自己的跨性別者身份，14歲時對父母坦白，而家里其他親戚則在我18歲時才知道這件事。我17歲時開始服用睪丸激素，18歲時更改了我的法定名字。認為易性過程很短很簡單的人數量多得驚人。包括我自己在內的很多跨性別者都被問及我們有沒有進行“手術”（真是無禮的問題），仿佛易性就只涉及這么一件事。有趣的是，我個人的易性過程牽涉多年的自我發現、自我揭露、重重困難、藥物治療、醫生、心理醫生、內分泌學家、性別專家……而且易性的過程將經歷不止一場手術，而是歷時多年的六次手術！

變性手術對很多人來說是高不可攀的奢侈消費。21歲那年，我在申請者的隊列中等候一筆保險金的發放，用于支付乳房切除手術（雙乳房切除手術和胸壁重建）的費用。不幸的是，我因必須遷居到別的州而失去了這項保險。內華達州的保險公司鮮有覆蓋跨性別者醫療項目的險種。我支付不起進行乳房切除手術的1萬美元費用。我所需要進行的全部外科手術加起來會花光15萬美元，這筆錢在我那個鎮上能買兩所房子。

我從來都不會穿得“像個女孩”。購物對于我和我媽都是折磨。從小時候起，我就堅持在男孩用品區購物。店里的大人們常常對我的打扮露出不贊同的神色，但我從不讓別人來告訴我該作何感受。我8歲的時候剃了個光頭。