致施虐者的信

It isn’t always clear when you meet people who will do you the most harm. Before you came in to my life， I had never been systematically bullied， abused or 1）demeaned. I had led a life where I hadn’t even considered this a possibility. I was Oxbridge-educated， respected， with no thought that this might change.

One dreadful， foolish mistake changed all that. I trusted you with my life and my children’s lives. We have， as a result， been subjected to three years of 2）attritional bullying and a series of incidents of abuse and fear of what you will do next.

We have lost our family home， despite your repeated promise that we would always have the house you bought to live in with us. That promise has， of course， been broken. It is now your house alone； you swear at me and threaten to throw us out.

I have tried to explain to you that what you do scares us， that shouting， swearing and threatening is abusive. Confronting your behaviour has， unfortunately， made it worse. You now have nothing to lose； as you said to me last week， it doesn’t matter what you do to us now because my friends hate you already. I try to talk to you， but your response is that women use fear as a weapon and that you are fed up with the “I’m so scared” argument.

Yes， it’s scary to lie in bed while you shout， swear and wave your arms in my face and scream at me about what I have done wrong.

Yes， it’s scary to see you swear at my disabled daughter， and have her cry and ask me not to follow her because it will only make things worse. Yes， it’s scary to be in a shop with you， paralysed with fear， only to be told I must keep walking. Yes， your 3）unpredictability， temper and extreme need for control scare me. If I question your behaviour， you tighten the screw. You say that what I say is merely “my reality”. Can you not see that there is an objective truth？ If someone is hit or raped， they are hit or raped—it isn’t just that their experience is of being hit or raped. The rapist’s “reality” does not 4） negate the rape. When you shout， swear， bully and threaten， you shout， swear， bully and threaten. You are doing this； it is not just my subjective experience.

This sort of domestic violence can be hidden； there are no bruises to act as proof， but it damages， cruelly and 5）by stealth. I have said to friends that， sometimes， I would rather you hit me， that you would then perhaps understand that what you do is wrong.

You try to convince me that the problem is with me， that what you do is reasonable， that my response（to be scared） is not. Have you really convinced yourself that this is my fault？ That it is right to shout at me， as I drive， because I haven’t told you about a hairdresser’s appointment？ That when you scream， shout， swear， throw things and break our possessions that， somehow， I made you do this？

How can you have so little empathy with， or sympathy for， others？ How can you watch as those around you develop strategies to cope with your violent mood swings？ How can you lie so 6）blatantly and yet live with yourself？ Is it really possible to have no conscience？ I hope we have found a way out， because at the moment you are killing me.

遇見的人是否會給你帶來最深的傷害，這在一開始不太容易看得清。在你進入我生命之前，我從未受過蓄意的欺凌、虐待或侮辱。在我以前的生活里，我甚至從未考慮過會有這種可能性。我接受牛津劍橋大學的教育，受人尊重，從未想過情況會發生改變。

一個可怕而愚蠢的錯誤改變了那一切。我把自己和我的孩子們的生命交托給你。結果，我們遭受了長達三年的持續霸凌，一系列的虐待行為，并且為你下一步的舉動而擔驚受怕。

我們失去了自己的屋宅，盡管你一再承諾說，我們會永遠擁有你買來與我們一同居住的房子。那個承諾，當然了，已經被打破了?，F在那只是你個人的房子了；你對我咒罵，還威脅說要把我們趕出去。

我曾試圖向你解釋，你的所作所為讓我們飽受驚嚇，還有那些叫喊、咒罵和威脅也是一種虐待。不幸的是，與你的惡行抗衡更令情況惡化?，F在你已破罐子破摔了；就像你上周對我說的那樣，如今無論你對我們做什么都沒用了，因為我的朋友們早已對你懷恨在心。我試圖與你交談，但你的回答卻是，女人用恐懼作為武器，而你已經受夠了我那些“我非常害怕”的論調。

是的，當我躺在床上，而你叫喊、咒罵并在我眼前揮動你的手臂，對著我尖叫說我做了錯事的時候，很嚇人。

是的，當看著你咒罵我那患有殘障的女兒，把她嚇哭，還讓我不要管她，因為那只會讓事情變得更糟的時候，很嚇人。是的，當和你一起在某間商店里，被嚇得呆若木雞，卻得聽命繼續向前走的時候，很嚇人。……