家暴：幸福背后的一抹憂(yōu)傷

ouples fight. It happens. Disagreements arise， heartbeats quicken， tensions escalate， tones become accusatory， threats and ultimatums quickly come to pass， whether based in truth or as a bluff， and sometimes these seemingly small spats can turn violent in the blink of an eye. The key is stopping yourself before it gets out of hand.

I never actually witnessed a husband hitting a wife until I came to China， and saw it in public. （In America， that kind of abuse usually only goes on behind closed doors.） I have， on the other hand， from the lips of those closest to me， heard first （and third） person accounts of mental， physical and sexual abuse. The last thing I want is to “out” anyone with stories they wish to stay hidden， but believe me when I say that those who inflict any sort of harm on their loved ones deserve no mercy. Unfortunately， fear has a way of crippling almost every victim of abuse， so the abusers rarely face proper justice.

Our first feature， A Letter to … My Partner， Who Abuses Us， gives us an ambiguous glimpse into the mind of an abused spouse， whose partner always finds a way to justify his/her rage. In our second feature， This Is #WhyIStayed， Helen Baker writes how the growing prevalence of celebrity domestic violence in the media brought back her own tragic memories she spent years trying to deny. And Leslie Steiner explains， in A Memoir of Domestic Violence， how easy it is to fall into the trap of an abusive relationship， and how hard it is to escape from it.

Now， happily married and part of a supportive environment， I feel blessed （and sometimes a bit guilty）. But when tensions flare and hearts start to palpitate， I always take a deep breath and leave the “conflict zone” to avoid what might come next.

夫妻爭(zhēng)吵，時(shí)有發(fā)生。爭(zhēng)執(zhí)出現(xiàn)，心跳加速，緊張升級(jí)，語(yǔ)氣變得責(zé)難，威脅和最后通牒很快發(fā)出，無(wú)論基于真實(shí)情緒或是假意唬嚇，有時(shí)這些看似小吵小鬧會(huì)在瞬間演變成暴力。關(guān)鍵是要在失控前剎住自己。

我以前沒(méi)真正見(jiàn)到過(guò)丈夫毆打妻子，來(lái)中國(guó)后才見(jiàn)識(shí)到，而且是在大庭廣眾之下。（在美國(guó)，這種暴力事件通常只會(huì)發(fā)生在緊閉的大門(mén)之后。）另一方面，我從那些最親近的人口中，聽(tīng)說(shuō)過(guò)親身經(jīng)歷過(guò)的（或轉(zhuǎn)述）關(guān)于精神上、身體上以及性方面的施虐事件。我最不愿意的是將那些希望隱瞞“家丑”的人“供”出來(lái)，但請(qǐng)相信我的話(huà)：那些對(duì)愛(ài)侶造成任何傷害的人不值得寬恕。不幸的是，每個(gè)暴力的受害者都或多或少懷有恐懼，因而施暴者極少需要面對(duì)應(yīng)有的判決。

本期的第一篇主題文章《致施虐者的信》讓我們對(duì)受虐者的內(nèi)心有了一種模糊的理解，其伴侶經(jīng)常找法子宣泄自己的暴怒。在第二篇文章《留下來(lái)，難相愛(ài)》中，海倫·貝克記述了媒體關(guān)于名人家暴持續(xù)高發(fā)的報(bào)道勾起了她自己多年來(lái)一直否認(rèn)的悲慘記憶。而在《我的家暴回憶》一文中，萊斯利·斯坦利闡明了陷入一段暴力戀情當(dāng)中何其容易，而逃離其中又是如何地困難。

如今，我歡歡喜喜地結(jié)了婚，身處一種相互扶持的家庭環(huán)境之中，對(duì)此，我深感福佑（有時(shí)還會(huì)有點(diǎn)點(diǎn)心虛）。但遇到緊張冒頭、心跳加劇的時(shí)候，我總是深吸一口氣，并且遠(yuǎn)離“沖突地帶”，以避免下一秒可能會(huì)發(fā)生的任何沖突。……