短文寫作

黃娟

習作一

It is known that the sea is of great significance to our life. Because the sea provides us a lot of resources， so protecting the sea is very important for us.

However， many animals in the sea are being hunted or killed， which destroys the balance of the ecology. What is more， more and more polluted water flows into the sea， causing the death of many tiny creatures. Besides， many people pick precious plants for the benefit of themselves. It is humans action that makes the creatures in the sea endangered.

As far as I am concerned， I think it is time for us to raise the awareness of protecting the sea. What matters most is our awareness.

這是一篇中檔習作。其優點是：

1. 本文表達流暢，層次分明。在首段作者能熟練使用主語從句引出話題；在行文中，用so， however， what is more， besides， as far as I am concerned等連接句子和段落，使文章過渡自然。文章的結尾也很簡練。好的開頭和結尾往往是成功的一半，能給讀者留下深刻印象，也是高考閱卷評分的一個重要依據。

2. 作者運用了一些高級詞匯和短語，如：be of significance， for the benefit of， flow into， endanger， raise， awareness， matter， 使文章語言比較豐富。

3. 作者嘗試運用了一些不同的、較復雜的句子結構。如：

It is known that... （it充當形式主語）

...， Which destroys... （非限定性定語從句）

...， causing the death of... （非謂語動詞充當結果狀語）

It is humans action that... （強調句型）

Protecting the ocean is... （非謂語動詞作主語）

What matters most is... （主語從句）

不足之處是：

①該生有些地方用詞不夠準確，語法方面也出現了一些錯誤。如：

because the sea provides us a lot of resources， so protecting the sea is very important for us. 此句中because和so重復使用，應該去掉其中一個；然后provide的這個詞運用不準確，要在us后加上with才正確。

As far as I am concerned和I think重復使用，去掉I think， 因為as far as I am concerned就是用來表達觀點的。

It is humans action that makes the creatures in the sea endangered.中的action應改為activities，這樣表意更加準確，然后謂語動詞makes應改為make。

②作者的語言還需要提煉，如結尾段這句it is time for us to raise the awareness of protecting the sea. What matters most is our awareness.中awareness 與前面句子有點重復，可以把它合并為一句話it is time for us to raise the awareness of protecting the sea and appeal to more people to care for the sea.這樣語句更精煉。

習作二

It is acknowledged that the sea plays a very important role in our life. There are such wide varieties of natural resources and living creatures in the sea that it provides human beings with abundant natural resources， so it is vital for us to take care of the sea. But things are just the opposite.

As is known to all， the sea is being badly polluted， since more and more wasted water and poisonous chemicals are being poured into the sea without being dealt with， which does great damage to the sea. Besides， too many sea valuable plants like corals are being picked and harvested by humans. In the meantime， some living creatures like whales are being hunted or killed with abandon. As a consequence of human destructive activities， the ecological balance of the ocean has been seriously damaged.

Therefore， its high time that we protected the ocean. Only if we take action can we protect the ocean. It is everybodys effort that counts.

這是一篇高檔習作。

1. 本文涵蓋了題目要求的所有要點條理清晰。

2. 文中使用了很多高級詞匯且運用準確。如：acknowledge，play a role in，vital，varieties of，do damage to，destructive， deal with， abundant， take care of， count， pour into， with abandon， take action等。作者具有很好的語言基礎知識和語言運用能力。

3. 作者嘗試使用了許多的經典句型及結構。如：

It is acknowledged that... （it作形式主語）

such...that... （結果狀語從句）

As is known to all （非限定性定語從句）

It is the...that counts （強調句型）

It is high time that we protected... （虛擬語氣）

Only if we...can we... （倒裝句型）

文中長短句結合，各種句型交替使用，讀起來通順流暢，顯示了作者扎實的語言功底；文章結尾能用一句 it is high time that we protected the ocean來呼吁人們采取行動來保護海洋，進一步點題。……