獄中兒子寫給母親的一封信

Mum， it’s me. Hopefully， this Mothering Sunday you will get to hear those three words. I will， of course， try to phone you. I hope we will be able to speak for the allowed 10 minutes. But I suspect many inmates will be using the phone， so if I don’t call and if we don’t speak， then this is what I would have said：

It’s not your fault that I am here. I know that deep in your heart you have questioned whether my current circumstance is somehow your fault， if the reckless stupidity of my past is somehow a failure on your part. It is not. Only one person is to blame， only one person should hurt—me.

You have always taught me that when the room goes dark， you can wait for the lights to be switched back on or you can search in the dark and turn the light on yourself. You are my light. You always have been and always will be. There is nobody I admire more， nobody I have strived harder to please in my life， which is why my current failure hurts me so much.

I am so sorry that I will not be there to see you， but I want you to know that now， as always， you are here with me. In my darkest hours， and in the coldest loneliness of my past few months， my mind has so often wandered to the past， to when it was you and me—and I have been able to smile. Yours is the strength that I draw upon. A parent’s job is to make sure that they pass on the best of themselves to their children. You have done that. It is the inner you in me that will get me through this.

We have always joked that if our lives were a soap opera nobody would believe it， but the truth is that real life has more twists and turns. Yours is a life that has seen adoption， suicide， divorce and now an imprisoned son—your only child.

I have failed you so epically， but you have never failed me. If I think back to the tears I shed when Dad left， all those years ago， I see you through their misty glaze. You holding me and you telling me we’d be OK， and we will be. We are and always will be the best team.

Childhood heroes such as footballers， actors and rock stars are clichéd. If the job’s done right， children’s heroes should be their parents—and you are mine. The strength you showed after the divorce from Dad to find your biological parents， to go to university and get your teaching qualifications， to begin your life again， is the strength that I draw on now. It is the belief in myself， it is the belief you have in me， that tells me that once I am released I can and will rebuild my life. I will make you proud again. I will make you happy to have me as your son. Yours is the will that gets me through every day.

I don’t believe you can judge a person for the mistakes they make， as we all make them， but you can judge them for what they do afterwards. And after this， when it is all over， you will still have a son with the same inner strength and the same hopes and dreams. They have not diminished. If you can dream it， then you have to believe it can happen—right？

So this Mothering Sunday， please think back to that morning in the 80s， the first Mother’s Day without Dad， when a six-year-old me got up early and made breakfast for you. Do you remember it？ Could you ever forget？ A slice of bread a doorstep thick and a wedge of cheese equally dense. You didn’t have to eat it， but you did， chewing every dry mouthful. I know now why you forced yourself—because it had been made with love. Well， things don’t change this year—this letter is that bread and cheese （it sure has plenty of the cheese！）.

I love you so much. I am sorry I have let you down， but you have taught me that we will always pick ourselves up and become better than we were before. Thank you for everything， this year more than ever：

Happy Mothering Sunday.

Love， your son

媽媽，是我。希望這個母親節您可以聽到那三個字。當然，我會盡量給您打電話。我希望我們能夠說滿那獲準的十分鐘。但是我猜到時候許多獄友都要用電話，所以要是我沒給您打電話，要是我們沒有說上話，那么以下就是我想說的話：

我身陷牢獄并非您的錯。我知道在您內心深處，您曾質疑我如今的下場是否某種程度上是您的錯，會在想我那魯莽愚蠢的過往是否是您的過失。不是那樣的。該責備的人只有一個，該受傷的人也只有一個——那就是我。

您常常教育我，當房間里黑下來，你可以等著燈自動接回電源，或者可以在黑暗中摸索，自己打開燈。您就是我的明燈。您一直都是，以后也會是。在我的一生中，（除了您，）沒有誰讓我更敬佩的了，也沒有誰會讓我更努力去取悅，那就是如今的敗績讓我如此傷心不已的原因。

很對不起，我不能去探望您，但我想讓您知道，您常伴我左右，以前是這樣，現在亦如此。在我最黑暗的日子里，在我過去幾個月最冰冷的孤獨中，我的思緒常常游蕩到過去，回到您與我一起生活的時光中——我就能夠露出笑容了。您的笑容是我依靠的力量。

家長的職責是要確保將自己最好的優點傳給子女。您已經做到了。在我體內的那個您將引領我走出傷痛。

我們總是開玩笑說，要是我們的人生是一套肥皂劇，大家肯定會覺得這劇很假，但真相是真實的生活更加迂回曲折。您的人生經歷過被收養、自殺、離婚，如今還有一個坐牢的兒子——您唯一的孩子。……