青春的誤解

I was awkward in middle school： bony and athletic， with a high grade in science and a low one in self-esteem. Though I had friends， I didn’t fit the mold of popularity. I was picked last in flag footbal11 and I sometimes ate lunch by myself.

I remember the day Brittany came to our school. She was from the Bay Area2， and told us stories of how she had snuck out3 at night to meet older boys and smoke in the park. Her teeth were crooked4， and she was a little overweight. Not that mattered though， because she walked around like she was better than all of us put together. She was incredibly intimidating5， outspoken， and aggressive—a person you didn’t want to cross6.

Around Brittany， I tried my best to go unnoticed. Standing out or stealing her spotlight could only result in one thing： confrontation. I considered myself a chameleon7， blending in with my surrounding and remaining the shy sixth-grader I had always been. I wore skorts8 and Tommy Hilfiger sneakers with red and blue laces， and my blond hair was frequently in a ponytail. Brittany and her friends wore shorts with words like “Hottie” on the seat. She dyed her brown hair black and got a perm9 like the other popular girls. All the boys were completely smitten10 with her.

Although I could run for a touchdown11， Brittany was always the first girl picked in flag football at recess12 and I was lucky if I was picked at all. I was thrown the ball while she stood with the quarterback13， chatting about the last keg party14 she’d gone to. I didn't even know what came in a keg and had never contemplated15 drinking. She was flirtatious16 and mysterious while I was a declaration of what good parenting and strong Christian morals could produce. I had never been kissed， nor did I understand the tactics17 to get as far as she had gone with a boy.

One day， Brittany bribed18 a classmate to ask me to the school dance. I wasn't allowed to go， and I told him so， but I was flattered. I felt elite and accepted by those around me. I told myself， though I am alone， I am desired and that is good enough for me. I blended in the most perfect way： well enough to fit in and not nerdy19 enough to stand out. Then Brittany told me during science class that she had put him up to20 it. She asked in front of everyone， “Why would anyone ever want you？” And I believed her.

I went home and cried， questioning whether I was an alien. I told myself over and over that she would amount to nothing21 while I still had time to grow. She would become a middle-aged trailer park22 renter in Northern California， with lots of kids with her same bucktoothed23 smile， while I would somehow turn into a high school social butterfly24 and move to New York City， Chicago， or Washington D.C.， cosmopolitan25 and sophisticated26. We would never be in the same league27.

Secretly， I emulated28 her. Through everything that she did to me， I wanted to be 20 times better. Although she was seemingly perfect in everyone’s eyes， I wanted to be everything she wasn’t and yet a million times more perfect. Where she was loud and mocking， I wanted to be reserved and coy29. She wore tight pants that exposed her chubby30 stomach， but I wanted to be thin and muscular. Brittany was intimidating and violent， but I wanted to be， and was then， serene31 and not at all confrontational. I wanted to be the polar32 opposite of her， showing how much better I was than her.

I forgot about Brittany somewhere between eighth grade and freshman year. I found a new group of friends—girls from other schools who finally became the “in-crowd33” in high school. Looking back， I was and am better than Brittany， and though I let her rule over34 my inadequacies in middle school， I never did again. She was exactly what I hated then and is the type of person I will never let myself become.

I found Brittany’s online profile a few weeks ago and discovered nothing outwardly35 shocking36. She still has the same chubby face and mocking smile， flipping off37 the camera as if she couldn’t come up with anything original. I cringed38 at some half-naked pictures with captions39 that read “GeT bLaZeD.” As I read on， I realized that Brittany had died in a drunken driving accident a year ago. She had been 16 and pregnant at the time. Suddenly my perception of Brittany changed from a bad influence into a struggling little girl whose life was taken before she could decipher40 right from wrong. I had wanted everything bad to happen to her， but no one deserves that. No one. Those who worshiped her may never again， but I will always think of Brittany as the girl who never had the chance to find herself.

My experience with Brittany taught me that though we are all naive in our youth， the choices we make will impact us forever. The people we choose to be will remain a part of us. I will always remember Brittany as that loud41， overconfident girl， and a part of that shy， insecure42 person I used to be will always keep me humble.

中學時代的我很令人尷尬：擅長運動，卻骨瘦如柴；理科成績好，自尊心卻不強。雖然我有朋友，但我并不是人人都喜歡的那種類型。在奪旗橄欖球比賽中，我總是最后一個被選中上場的。有時候，我還會獨自一人吃午餐。

我仍記得布里塔尼來我們學校的那天。她從舊金山灣區轉學而來，當時還給我們講了她以前如何在夜里溜出去跟年長的男生會面并在公園里吸煙那些事。她的牙齒長得歪歪扭扭，人也有點胖。不過這些都沒關系，因為她走起路來趾高氣揚，好像我們所有人加在一起都不如她似的。她極有震懾力，說話直來直去，還總是一副咄咄逼人的樣子——她就是一個你不想去招惹的人。

只要在布里塔尼旁邊，我就盡量保持低調。太引人注目或搶她的風頭只會有一個下場，那就是與她發生沖突。我覺得自己就像一條變色龍，與周圍的環境融為一體，保持著自己作為一個六年級學生一貫的靦腆形象。我穿裙式短褲和鑲有紅藍相間的蕾絲花邊的湯米·希爾費格牌球鞋，一頭金發總是扎成馬尾。而布里塔尼和她的朋友們卻穿臀部印有諸如“辣妹”字樣的短褲。她還像其他很潮的女生一樣把一頭棕色的頭發染黑燙卷。所有男生都徹底被她迷倒了。雖然我可以持球觸地得分，然而在課間的奪旗橄欖球比賽中，布里塔尼卻總是第一個被挑中上場的球員，而我若能被選中，就算我的運氣。別人向我傳球的時候，她卻在跟四分衛大談自己最近參加的啤酒宴會。……