世上無(wú)“剩女”，只怕“標(biāo)準(zhǔn)”多

I had dinner with a single girlfriend of mine the other night. She’s in her early 30’s， really cute， sexy， smart and fun. But no guy she dates seems to be sticking lately. She was talking about how she was really disappointed because she had been excited about this guy， but on the third date， she started getting really turned off because he seemed to display some of her deal breakers. We started talking about the agonizing cycle that she experiences—the cycle that I experienced until recently—the cycle that I hear most single women talk about experiencing: Meet a guy. Like him. Make up 2)fabulous stories about how great he is and put totally 3)unrealistic expectations on him. Then after a varying number of dates， he disappoints us because he’s NOT living up to any of those expectations. We’re heartbroken because we thought he could have been“The One，” we’re angry that another one didn’t work out and we desperately cry out， “Where are all the good men and why am I still single!?”

Today， there are more single women than ever. There has been much 4)speculation as to why that it is， and I’d like to throw one more 5)hypothesis into the mix: What if maybe， just maybe， these deal breakers are the reason so many women aren’t getting anywhere with men and relationships? I’m not talking deal breakers such as having a drinking or drug problem， or religion or wanting a family. Those are in a different category. I’m talking about deal breakers like “he has to work out a lot”， “he has to be a vegetarian”， “he has to be tall”， “he has to work in finance”， “he has to do yoga”， “he has to have gone to an Ivy League college”， “he can’t have a roommate”， just to name a few.

I had my deal breakers. ONE was: that he lives a healthy lifestyle. The first few dates I went on with my current boyfriend， we had to meet late at night because he had work obligations. I was 6)exhausted and it was affecting my work the next day when I had to get up early and teach. By the third date， when I had to drink three soy lattes from Starbucks to make it through the next day， I thought—oh well， I like him， but this isn’t the kind of life I want. Living like that， with those late hours， wasn’t a healthy lifestyle for me. Okay， so that was one of my deal breakers， so 7)bummer， but I’d have to say goodbye.

Deal breaker number two: NO SMOKING. Guess what? My boyfriend smoked. Bummer; goodbye. I was really upset. I really liked this guy. I was drawn to him. I knew， intuitively， that there was something truly special there. Damn my damn deal breakers.

Then something hit me. Whatever I’d been doing in my past with dating obviously hadn’t been working. And here was this guy I was crazy about that I was going to say goodbye to? Really? Well， how about I just try something different this time? I saw something in him and us.

So I told him how I felt about smoking. I didn’t 8)nag or command. I just told him that， for me， I would never be able to be in a long-term relationship with， or marry， a smoker. I said I know that we just started dating， and I’m not asking him to quit. I just wanted him to know how I felt. I told him that I liked him and wanted to get to know him， and asked him to please not smoke around me. That was it. A few months later， he quit.

I also told him how the schedule he’d been having was rough for me... that I have to get up early， and the late hours were making me exhausted and it affected my work， but that I really wanted to spend time with him， so hopefully we could figure out a 9)compromise. And guess what? He told me that he really doesn’t like living that lifestyle either， but was a single guy and didn’t have anyone he wanted to come home to， but now that I was around， he’d really rather just spend time with me and is actually very often able to send other people to do some of that late night stuff.

WOW. I had made 10)assumptions in my head that weren’t true. I’m so glad I talked to him about it instead of just walking away. If I had left at the beginning because of my “deal breakers，” because of incorrect judgments， I would be missing out on a great love. It made me wonder: How many other times had I jumped to conclusions and lost out on getting to know a terrific guy?

I’m not saying ignore 11)red flags. I’m just saying that if you’re finding yourself in a dating rut， experiencing that constant disappointment and frustration， then obviously what you’re doing isn’t working. In fact， maybe your 12)pickiness， your deal breakers， are really just walls you’re putting up to keep you from getting hurt—because if you don’t even get into a relationship to begin with， then you can’t get hurt. Just some food for thought.

Look—a guy can get in shape. He can stop smoking. He can start eating a more healthy diet. He may only still be living with a roommate because he hasn’t found the right girl yet or because he’s saving money to buy a place. As long as he is open， he can learn new things from you and be exposed to new things from you. Maybe he wants to make changes in his life but doesn’t know how to... you’ll never know about any of those things if you make 13)snap judgments and assumptions.... You’ll never know unless you try.

Your soul mate may be short. Or have long hair. Or may have gone to community college... But if you’ll only date men who are tall or have short hair or went to Graduate School， you may never meet the love of your life. Be open to the possibilities instead of being so quick to judge. Some of these “deal breakers” which are putting you off may merely be 14)illusions， underneath which lie the potential for an amazing partner.

不久前某個(gè)晚上，我和一位單身的女性朋友共進(jìn)晚餐。她三十出頭，長(zhǎng)得十分可愛(ài)、性感，而且聰明有趣。但是最近，她所約會(huì)的男生似乎都是霧水情緣。她說(shuō)她失望透頂，因?yàn)檫@個(gè)男人使她很心動(dòng)，但是第三次約會(huì)時(shí)，她便變得了無(wú)興趣，因?yàn)槟莻€(gè)男人似乎表現(xiàn)出一些有悖她擇偶標(biāo)準(zhǔn)的行為來(lái)。然后我們開始談?wù)撍?jīng)歷的痛苦循環(huán)——這種循環(huán)我過(guò)去也一直經(jīng)歷著，直到最近才解脫出來(lái)——我聽說(shuō)大多數(shù)的單身女性都表示身處這樣的循環(huán)中：遇到一個(gè)男人。喜歡上他。開口閉口都在講他有多出色，把完全不切實(shí)際的期望都寄托在他身上。接著，在數(shù)次約會(huì)之后，那些期望他一點(diǎn)也達(dá)不到，這使我們很失望。我們傷心欲絕，本以為他就是那個(gè)“真命天子”；我們怒火中燒，因?yàn)橛质且粋€(gè)不能開花結(jié)果的，于是我們絕望地抱怨：“天底下的好男人都跑哪兒去了？為什么我還是單身！？”

如今，單身女性的數(shù)量比以往都要多。對(duì)于其原因存在很多推測(cè)，而我則想往上面添加多一種假說(shuō)：假使可能，只是可能，這些擇偶標(biāo)準(zhǔn)會(huì)不會(huì)正是許多女性談起感情來(lái)總是原地踏步的原因呢？我說(shuō)的擇偶標(biāo)準(zhǔn)可不是指那些諸如酗酒、吸毒、宗教信仰或是想要組織家庭這類的問(wèn)題。這些屬于不同的類別。我所說(shuō)的擇偶標(biāo)準(zhǔn)，是指“他必須勤鍛煉”、“他必須是個(gè)素食主義者”、“他必須是高個(gè)兒”、“他必須從事金融方面的工作”、“他必須做瑜伽”、“他必須是常春藤盟校畢業(yè)的”、“他不能有室友”……諸如此類。