孤身路，愛隨風

I’m sitting alone in my apartment on a rainy night. I’m restless， mildly bored， and， yes， I’ll admit it， but please don’t tell anyone ... lonely.

It’s days like this that I’m sure that there’s no more love 1)in store for me—all of the 2)epically 3)momentous possibilities must have already passed me by. Somehow I blinked and missed them.

It’s in moments like this that I allow myself the small 4)indulgence of thinking about Sebastian.

Our story had all of the makings of a great love story. Once upon a time we met one evening in a dark， crowded party. He told me I was beautiful. I was young enough for him to appear 5)larger than life. We kissed on the sidewalk in the rain. I fell hard for him—hard like 6)scrapeme-off-the-floor-with-a-7)spatula hard.

But we were wrong for each other in every way. We were young， immature， and troubled. It ended tragically—Sebastian 8)stood me up on a cold， snowy New Year’s Eve and the two of us never spoke again. I went on with my life.

I wonder what Sebastian is doing right now. I wonder if I will ever love anyone that way again—with an open heart. I decide to cruise the internet for inspiration—narrowly avoiding the temptation to do a Google search of Sebastian’s name.

The intention of my search? To remind myself that love really exists. A 9)tall， existential order for sure， yet a valid one. I practice it often. On the street， on the subway. Every time I encounter a seemingly happy couple I say to myself， “See you bitter old hag， people fall in love all the time.”

I find the kind of 10)cinematic headline I’m looking for: “11)Gulf War Pen Pals Get Married After Facebook Encounter 19 Years Later.” 12)Touché.

As a teenager， Jamie Benefit decided to 13)reach out to the troops during the Gulf War. She addressed a letter of support and encouragement to “Any Soldier.” Jamie’s 14)anonymous letter found its way into the hands of 19-year-old soldier Jeremy Clayton.

Jamie and Jeremy continued to write each other for the duration of the war， to exchange stories and keep their minds off of the scary worlds around them. After the war ended， the two lost touch. Jamie 15)wrapped up her letters in a patriotic ribbon， put them away in a safe place， and moved on with her life.

Nineteen years later， Jamie got curious one day (maybe she was sitting alone in her apartment on a rainy evening?) and looked for Jeremy on Facebook and sent a simple message to a man with his name， asking， “Were You In 16)Desert Storm?” That was all Jeremy needed in order to know that he had to see Jamie again.

The two met up in person a few months later. When Jeremy finally saw Jamie he says of the moment， “It took my breath， I was actually shaking and I’m a pretty strong man. I just said to myself， ‘You have to do whatever you can to make sure you spend the rest of your life with this woman.’” A few months later they were married.

Wow. Just like that huh? War. Letters. Great distances. Great danger. Years apart. Reunion. Facebook. Marriage. I’m sure someone in Hollywood will be calling any minute to option the rights to the film. Maybe they’ll call it “Love in a Time of Bush.”

I should feel inspired that love happens—17)exponentially and 18)effortlessly—yet I feel nothing but 19)skepticism. Does this actually happen in real life? Like， real real life?

Like Jamie and Jeremy， Sebastian and I lost touch after that fateful New Year’s Eve. When he sent me a message on Facebook 10 years later， I was unable to breathe. It said simply， “I hope you’re still silly.”

When we met in person for coffee， I was so 20)dizzy that I had to sit with my head between my legs while he sat silently across from me. His hand shook slightly as he grabbed mine and said，“I’m sorry， I’ve been waiting 10 years to say that to you.” Momentarily I was so 21)giddy that I almost let myself get 22)carried away.

I looked at Sebastian for the first time in the bright， clear morning light and saw him exactly as he was. It happened so quickly that if I had blinked I would have missed it.

He was just an older， more mature， version of the awful guy who broke my heart 10 years ago. There was no proposal. Just an awkward meeting of two grownups realizing that they were no longer young and silly.

一個雨夜，我一人獨坐公寓。我焦躁不安，有些許無聊，而且，是的，我得承認，但請不要告訴別人……我很孤獨。

正是這樣的日子，我確信情愛與我將不再沾邊——丘比特射出的所有瑰麗的愛情之箭都已與我擦身而過。換句話說，轉瞬間，我錯過了。

正是在這樣的時刻，我才應允自己在對塞巴斯蒂安的思念中稍稍沉淪。

我們之間的故事堪稱經典。很久以前，我們在一個光線昏暗、人潮涌涌的夜場派對上相遇。他說我很漂亮。當時我年輕，在他眼中我顯得魅力不凡。我們在雨中的人行道上擁吻。我深深地愛上了他——癡迷得就像是那種用抹刀也別想把我從地板上刮走的程度。

然而從各方面講，我們并不適合彼此。我們青澀、幼稚、糾結。我們的故事以悲劇收尾——塞巴斯蒂安在一個寒冷的除夕雪夜放了我鴿子，我們從此形同陌路。我繼續著自己的生活。

我想知道塞巴斯蒂安現況如何。我想知道自己會否像之前那樣再愛上別人——毫無保留地愛。我決定上網尋找安慰——勉強地抵住了在谷歌上輸入“塞巴斯蒂安”這個名字的誘惑。

你問我上網搜索的意圖？為了要提醒自己：愛，確實存在。它雖難以企及，但的確存在，而且有根有據。這樣的事，我經常遇到。在大街上。在地鐵里。每當我遇到一對看上去似乎很快樂的情侶時，我就對自己說：“瞧你這苦情的老巫婆，每天不都有人墜入愛河嘛！”

我找到了自己想找的那種戲劇性標題：“波斯灣戰時筆友，十九年后臉譜網偶遇定終身”。