My School Life

本文擬以一篇學生習作為例，從詞法、句法、遣詞造句、篇章結構以及常見錯誤等方面全面分析英語寫作的技巧，以達到提高語言輸出的能力，寫出漂亮地道的英語。

【習作呈現】

1The moment I reached at this school for the first time three years ago，I was deeply shocked by all what I saw. 2Comparing with the polluted surroundings around it， this school where I would stay for further study was so beautiful that I couldn’t help believing that my school life would also be wonderful.

After that，I became one of the members of this school and found soon I was quite mistaken. 3I had too many rules to follow like a soldier and the teachers were too much severe on us students. To tell you the truth，I regretted my choice. I was puzzled. 4Why did the school force me to behave like a army man? After all，I was only a girl of 15 years old! It all seemed unfair.

How time flies!Three years is nothing but a short period. 5Today，I am still the same girl as before， but I have grown up and now understand what occurred to me in the past three years. 6Despite the graduation on the way，I have my school life full of school rules too，unchanged and strict. 7The difference is that I have been old enough to understand the rules here. 8Not until I obtain a lot I can fully understand my school better than yesterday.

Thank you， my dear teachers!First， we are not only students but also soldiers because we have been trained to have a strong will and we have learned the way to struggle for life. Second，as a saying goes，“No pains， no gains.” 9The more we want， the more time we ought to devote. 10The most important thing is that my school life has proved how much we have grown up， and how much more sensible，mature，and intelligent we have become.

Soon I’ll leave you， my dear mother. Please accept my best regards and wishes. 11At the very moment I leave you，I find that I should appreciate your kindness，which used to be thought of hardness. We your children will always be proud to have been brought up here. I don’t want to say goodbye. I LOVE YOU!

【段落分析】

段落一

修改意見(該部分只涉及原段落中出錯的句子，表達是否地道不在該部分討論，地道表達請參照本文末尾處的“地道語篇”。)

句1:The moment I reached at this school for the first time three years ago， I was deeply shocked by all what I saw:

錯誤①:句中reach為及物動詞，后直接跟賓語，也可保留介詞at，但須將reached改為arrived;

錯誤②: 表示“我所看見的”可用what I saw或all(that)I saw。

句2:Comparing with the polluted surroundings around it，this school where I would stay for further study was so beautiful that I couldn’t help believing that my school life would also be wonderful.

錯誤:作狀語的分詞短語與句子主語之間構成邏輯上的動賓關系，表示被動，故須將現在分詞comparing改為過去分詞compared。

段落二

修改意見

句3:I had too many rules to follow like a soldier and the teachers were too much severe on us students.

錯誤表現: too much后常修飾不可數名詞，也可作狀語獨立使用;much too后常接形容詞或副詞。故應將句中的too much改為much too。

不當表達:根據下文可知，應將句中的系動詞were改為seemed，以體現老師及學校對學生的關心。

句4:Why did the school force me to behave like a army man?

錯誤表現: 應將句中的不定冠詞a改為an。

段落三

修改意見

句5:Today，I am still the same girl as before，but I have grown up and now understand what occurred to me in the past three years.

錯誤表現:根據句中的時間狀語“in the past three years”可知，賓語從句中的時態應為現在完成時，故應在occurred前加has。

句6:Despite the graduation on the way，I have my school life full of school rules too，unchanged and strict.

錯誤表現:使用介詞短語on the way表示“要畢業了”常用 on the way to graduation，故可將置于句首的整個介詞短語改為讓步狀語從句，即:Though I’m on the way to graduation，I have....

句7:The difference is that I have been old enough to understand the rules here.

錯誤表現:該句子意思表達含糊不清，句意應為:不同的是，我已經長大了，懂得了學校為什么要制訂這些校規;而不是說我長大了，理解了這些校規。故全句應改為:The difference is that I have been old enough to understand the reasons for the rules here.

句8:Not until I obtain a lot I can fully understand my school better than yesterday.

錯誤①:根據語境可知，全句應使用一般過去時，故obtain應改為obtained，can應改為could;

錯誤②:not until置于句首時，主句謂語動詞應構成部分倒裝，句子應改為:Not until I obtained a lot could I fully understand my school better than yesterday.

段落四

修改意見

句9:The more we want， the more time we ought to devote.

錯誤①:根據句意，應將句中的time改為effort，表示“加倍努力”;

錯誤②:根據語境，后一分句描述的是一個尚未發生的動作，故可改為:...， the more effort we will need to devote.

句10:The most important thing is that my school life has proved how much we have grown up，and how much more sensible，mature，and intelligent we have become.

錯誤表現:句中表語從句的謂語部分用詞啰嗦，可改為:...my school life has made me much more sensible，mature，and intelligent.

段落五

修改意見

句11:At the very moment I leave you，I find that I should appreciate your kindness，which used to be thought of hardness.

不當表現:在當代英語的寫作中已很少使用used to，可將其改為was once，改后的定語從句為:...， which was once thought of...;

錯誤表達:“把……當作……”可用think of...as...，regard/ treat...as...，應在句中hardness前加as。

【佳句示范】

1. 根據全文語篇，文中的代詞應保持一致，建議從“我”的角度完成所有語意表達，故應以第一人稱單數“I”為主。

2. 經過修改，第一段首句為:The moment I arrived at this school for the first time three years ago，I was deeply shocked by what I saw. 該句并無語法錯誤，但時間狀語從句的連詞“the moment(一……就……)”的使用告訴讀者:學校的一切在我踏進校園的那一刻立即呈現在我眼前，這是不現實的，可將其改為“the day”，這樣更符合邏輯和實際。

3. 第一段最后一句結構冗長，此處沒有必要再使用定語從句，原因是上下文已清楚地表明了定語從句的意思，原句為:“...， this school where I would stay for further study was so beautiful that I couldn’t help believing that my school life would also be wonderful.”故應刪除where引導的定語從句 “where I would stay for further study”。

4. 經過修改，第三段第3句為:Today，I am still the same girl as before， but I have grown up and now understand what has occurred to me in the past three years. 此處使用occur表示“發生”之意欠妥。Usually we would not say that something “occurred to me”except in the sense that one remembers.For example，I might say“It just occurred to me that today is your birthday”. Things do“happen”to us as a normal part of living.

5. 經過修改，第三段最后一句話為:Not until I obtained a lot could I fully understand my school better than yesterday.“obtain ”(獲得、贏得)是一個非常正式的用詞，意為to get sth.，especially by making an effort。 此處建議用experience(vt. 經歷)取代obtain。

6. 第四段中用“for one thing，... for another，...”(首先，……其次，……)代替 “first，... second，...”，句子表達更為多樣化，富有新意。

【地道語篇】

下文是在針對原段落中單詞拼寫、時態、詞性及句法等錯誤更正的基礎上，結合英語表達的習慣搭配、遣詞造句、段落特點及篇章結構所作出的修正:

My School Life

The day I turned up in this school for the first time three years ago， I was deeply shocked by what I saw. Compared with the polluted surroundings， this school was so beautiful that I began to picture what it would be like to study here.

Shortly I was among the students of this school and became aware that I was quite mistaken. I had too many rules to follow and the teachers seemed much too severe on us students. To tell you the truth，I regretted my choice. I was puzzled:Why did I have to behave like an army man? After all，I was only a girl of 15 years old!It all seemed unfair.

How time flies!Three years is nothing but a short period. Today，I am still the same girl as before，but I have grown up and now understand what has happened to me in the past three years. Though I’m on the way to graduation，I still have my school life full of rules，unchanged and strict. What differs is that I have grown old enough to understand the reasons for the regulations here. Not until I experienced a lot could I fully understand my school and its rules.

Thank you，my dear teachers!For one thing，I’ve become not only a student with a strong will but also a soldier with a fierce determination. For another，as a saying goes，“No pains，no gains.”The more I expect to achieve，the more effort I will need to devote. The most important thing is that my school life has made me much more sensible，mature，and intelligent.

Soon now I’ll graduate，my dear mother. Please accept my fondest wishes. At the very moment I leave you，I find that I should appreciate your kindness，which was once thought of as hardness. I will always be proud of my stay here. I don’t want to say goodbye. I LOVE YOU!

編輯/梁宇清