我的音樂?我的朋友

I was born and raised in Rochester， New York. I barely spoke a word of Chinese. I didn’t know the difference between “Taiwan” or “Thailand”. I was… That’s true. I was as American as apple pie. Until one day， on a third grade playground， the inevitable finally happened. I got teased for being Chinese. Now every kid gets teased or made fun on the playground， but this was different. And I knew it right then and there. This kid， let’s call him Bryan M. He started making fun of me， saying “Chinese， Japanese， dirty knees， look at these”. I can still remember how I felt. I felt ashamed. I felt embarrassed.

But I laughed along with him， with everyone. I didn’t know what else to do. It was like having a out-of-body experience， as if I could laugh at that Chinese kid on the playground with all the other Americans because I was one of them. Right？ Wrong on many levels.

And I was facing in front of the first but definitely not the last time， the harsh reality that I was minority in Rochester， which in those days had an Asian population of one percent.

And I was confused. I wanted to punch Bryan. I wanted to hurt him for putting me in that situation. But he was faster than me and he was stronger than me. And he would kick my butt and we both knew that. So I just took it in. And I didn’t tell anyone or share with anyone these feelings. I just held them in and I let them fester. And those feelings would surface in a strangely therapeutic way for me through music. And it was no coincidence that around that time I started getting good with the violin， the guitar， and the drums. And I would soon discover that by playing music or singing， other kids would， for a brief moment， forget about my race or color and accept me and then be able to see me for who I truly am， a human being who’s emotional， curious about the world and has a need for love， just like everyone else.

And by Grade 6， guess who asked me if I would be the drummer for his band？ Bryan. And I said yes. And that’s when we together formed the elementary school rock band called Nirvana. I am not kidding. I was in the rock band called Nirvana before Kurt Cobain’s Nirvana was ever known. So when Nirvana came out， Bryan and I said， “Hey， he’s stealing our name.” But， really what attracted me to music at this young age was just this and still what I love about music is that it breaks down the walls between us and shows us so quickly the truth that we are much more alike than we are different. Then in high school， I learned that music wasn’t just about connecting with others， like Bryan and I were connected through music. It was a powerful tool of influence and inspiration.

Sam Wayne was my high school janitor. He was an immigrant from Vietnam who barely spoke a word of English. Sam scrubbed the floors and cleaned the bathrooms in our school for twenty years. And he never talked to the kids and the kids never talked to Sam. But one day， before the opening night of our school’s annual musical， he walked up to me， holding a letter. And I was taken aback. I was thinking， “Why is Sam the janitor approaching me？” And he gave me this letter that I have kept to this day. It was scrawled by a shaky hand and was written in capitals. And I read： “In all my years of working as a jnitor at Sutherland， you are the first Asian boy that played the lead role. I am gonna bring my six-year-old daughter to watch you perform tonight because I want her to see that Asians can be inspiring.” And that letter just floored me. I was fifteen years old and I was absolutely stunned. That’s the first time I realized how important the music was.

我在紐約的羅切斯特長大，幾乎不會說中文。我連“臺灣”和“泰國”這兩個詞都分不清楚。這是真的，我那時是個地地道道的美國人。直到我上了三年級，有一天在操場上，不可避免的事情終于發生了，我第一次因為是中國人而被嘲笑。當然，一起玩的小孩都會互相戲弄開玩笑，但這次絕對不同，這點當時我立馬就感覺到了。我們暫且管那個孩子叫布萊恩·M吧。他開始嘲笑我說“中國人，日本人，臟膝蓋，快來看”。我依然記得當時的感覺，特別丟臉，特別尷尬。

但是我當時跟著其他人一起在笑。年幼的我并不知道該怎么辦。當時感覺好像靈魂出竅一樣，好像我能夠和其他美國孩子一起嘲笑操場上的那個中國小孩，因為我就是他們當中的一員。這種想法正確嗎？從很多層面來看都是錯的。

那是我第一次但不是最后一次感受到一個殘酷的事實：在羅切斯特，我屬于一個少數群體。那個時候的羅切斯特，亞洲人只占當地人口的百分之一。

我當時心里很困惑，我很想把布萊恩打一頓，他讓我陷入窘境，因此我也要讓他難過。但是他身體比我壯，出手也比我快。如果和他打架，我一定會被揍得更慘，這一點我們都知道。所以我就忍了下來。我從來沒有告訴過別人，也沒和別人分享過這些感受。一直自己忍著，想讓它們爛在心底就好了。后來慢慢地，這些感受在音樂里竟然十分巧妙地被治愈了。那個時候我對小提琴、吉他、鼓都玩得越來越得心應手，這當然不是巧合。我漸漸發現，當我演奏或者唱歌時，其他孩子便會忘記我的種族或我的膚色，然后接受我，了解真正的我，哪怕只是一小會兒。他們會發現，和其他人一樣，我也對世界充滿感情和好奇，我也需要愛。

到了六年級，猜猜誰拉我加入樂隊當鼓手？是布萊恩。我答應了。于是布萊恩跟我一起組成了小學的搖滾樂隊——涅槃樂隊。我沒開玩笑，我們的樂隊在科特·柯本的“涅槃樂隊”之前就有了。所以后來“涅槃樂隊”出道的時候，我跟布萊恩還嚷嚷：“嘿，他盜用我們的名字！”但是，在那么小的時候，我就發現了音樂的迷人之處。當然這迷人之處也是我至今熱愛音樂的原因之一，那就是音樂能打破人與人之間的隔閡，能讓我們很快就看到彼此的相似點，而不是不同之處。后來上了高中，我發現音樂不僅僅能夠溝通彼此，就像我跟布萊恩通過音樂結緣一樣，它也是一股強大的影響力和激勵他人的力量。

山姆·韋恩是我高中學校的門衛。他是越南移民，幾乎從來不說英語。山姆在我們學校做了二十年的清潔工，擦地板，掃廁所。他從來沒跟學生們說過話，學生們也從不跟他說話。但是，一天，我們學校一年一度的音樂節前夕，山姆找到我，手里拿著一封信。我嚇壞了，心里琢磨：“門衛山姆找我會有什么事？”他遞給了我那封我至今仍保存的信。那是一封用顫抖的手寫下潦草字跡的信，全都是大寫字母，信上寫著：“我在這個學校當了那么多年門衛，你是我見過的第一個擔綱主唱的亞洲男孩。今晚我要帶我六歲的女兒來看你的演出。因為我想要她看到，亞洲人也可以帶給人正能量。”我真的被那封信震驚了，十五歲的我當時就驚呆了。我第一次意識到，音樂如此重要！

Vocabulary

inevitable：不可避免的

tease：嘲笑；戲弄

punch：用拳猛擊

fester：潰爛；腐爛

therapeutic：療法的；有益于健康的

coincidence：巧合

inspiration：鼓舞人心的人或事

janitor：看門人

immigrant：移民

scrub：用力擦洗；刷洗

scrawl：潦草地寫

floor：擊敗；打倒

stun：使目瞪口呆；使大吃一驚