你是我的一切，直至終老

May 4th 1948

I quite often look back at the pleasures and pains of youth—love， jealousy， recklessness， vanity—without forgetting their 1)spell but no longer desiring them. While middle-aged ones like music， places， botany， conversation seem to be just as enjoyable as those wilder ones， in which there was usually some potential anguish lying in wait， like a bee in a flower. I hope there may be further surprises 2)in store， and on the whole do not fear the advance into age…

May 5th 1948

Ralph went to the dentist. I have sprained my ankle so can’t go with him but as the years pass I hate being parted from him even for an hour or so. I feel only half a person by myself， with one arm， one leg and half a face.

Warmer， softer， sweeter day: the birds sing very loudly and the 3)pollarded trees on the road to 4)Hungerford station seem to be holding little bunches of 5)greenery in their 6)fists.

November 28th 1960

Last night before dinner I missed Ralph for a while. For the thousandth time I wondered， “Is he all right? Could he perhaps be feeling ill?” Usually after the first panic and wild 7)wobblings on my base， my 8)equilibrium has been restored. This time， however， I felt it was odd that he should be in the library at this cold evening hour. I ran upstairs and found him lying down. No， he was not all right. Going through the kitchen to look at the stove， he had suddenly felt a constriction in the chest. He took a pill and then another， but remained limp and drowsy， wanting no food and unable to face the company. I am， in a 9)spurious way， so armoured against these 10)set-backs that a dreadful 11)unearthly calm settled down on me， partly to make me able to face his dread of my “fussing”. But along with this grey 12)tristesse was the awareness of a huge 13)crater opening， black and menacing. Paralysed in mind and hardly able to talk， I went downstairs and cooked dinner and somehow sketched in a part in the conversation until the meal was over， when I was able to go up and lie beside Ralph.

This moring he swears he is better， but is in no great hurry to get up. We must “greet the unknown” with all possible commonsense， but I am full of doubts which I can’t voice to him.

November 29th 1960

Throughout yesterday I sank slowly into the 14)pit， as it became gradually clear to me that “something or other” did happen in the stove-room

on Sunday night. Ralph was 15)comatose and fighting a desperate 16)rearguard action against admitting himself ill. He becomes furious (frighteningly so， because it is bad for him) if I treat him as such， and I identify myself so completely with him that the difficulty of overriding the line he decided to take was almost 17)unsuperable…

November 30th 1960

But last night was much worse than my fears. I dropped into exhuasted sleep. But soon awoke and listened to Ralph’s struggling breathing for four hours， while the clock snailed round its course. But why describe such agony? We are both alive this morning—that’s all I can say.

Morning calls to Red-beard and Geoff， but I have 18)antagonised him， I see. There is something so 19)futile about him， and I couldn’t bear the snobbish reluctance he showed to get into touch with the 20)cardiologist who unfortunately happens to be a lord. Yet to some extent we depend on him， and I try to 21)choke back my horror that this little 22)mannikin should be relevant to the health and safety of my darling Ralph. I 23)pressed on， screaming silently from every 24)cranny of my brain， until I got him to arrange for the lordly cardiologist to come tomorrow. Geoff seemed to take things more seriously when I described Ralph’s breathing. It seems that he took tow sleeping pills while I dozed last night， one seeming insufficient， and Geoff thought this might have affected his breathing. He has recommended a new sort for tonight. I dashed in to Hungerford to get them. Not availabe. I have ordered them to be brought out by taxi from 25)Newbury， and we have got them now.

Ralph does seem a little better this evening and with more appetite for his supper. He even read more. I went downstairs while he was eating， and listened to

26)Berlioz’s Symphonjie Fantastique on the wirelss without much pleasure. I left Ralph a walking-stick to 27)bang on the floor if he wanted me—I never expected to hear， nor shall I ever forget that dreadful “thump， thump， thump”.

December 1st 1960

Now I am absolutely alone and for ever.

1948年5月4日

我常?；厥啄贻p時的歡樂和苦楚——愛、妒忌、魯莽、自大——至今我仍沒忘記其魔力，但已不再渴慕這些。中年人喜歡聊音樂、房子、園藝，那份盎然興致不亞于聊起輕狂話題時，但總感覺有種莫名苦惱在蟄伏暗涌，如蜜蜂藏身花叢伺機而動。我希望將來能有更多的驚喜，總之，我希望不再懼怕日漸年老。

1948年5月5日

拉爾夫要去看牙醫。我扭傷了腳，所以沒法陪他去。但是隨著歲月流逝，我越來越不想與他分開，哪怕只是一個小時左右的時間。他不在身邊，我就會覺得自己像缺了半邊身子，只有一只胳膊、一條腿、半張臉。

今天暖和舒適了些，讓人的心情也更加愉快：鳥兒高聲歌唱，通往亨格福德火車站的馬路兩邊，樹木都被修剪過，看上去樹冠似乎只剩下那么一小撮的翠綠。

1960年11月28日

昨晚晚餐前，好一會兒都見不著拉爾夫?！八€好吧？他不會是覺得哪里不舒服吧？”這樣都想了一千遍了。通常我會在原地恐慌顫抖一陣子，然后漸漸平靜下來。然而這次，都晚上這個時間了，天又冷，他不應該還在書房里呀！我沖上樓發現他躺在地上。不，他情況很不好。之前，他穿過廚房去看看爐子，突然覺得胸口一緊。他吃了一片藥，然后再吃一片，還是覺得渾身無力，昏昏欲睡，食欲不振，而且難以忍受周圍有人。這一次，我的心反常地死一般鎮靜，自欺欺人地抗拒拉爾夫病情惡化的事實，他怕我“小題大做”，我的故作鎮定也能讓自己好好處理這個問題。但是這件憂傷的事情讓人不禁想到敞開的巨大墓穴，陰森而恐怖?！?br>