便盆信仰記

I am one of those men who likes to live 2)on the edge. By that I mean that I do not fill my

3)pickup with gasoline until the needle of the fuel gauge has dipped well into the red area. The red， of course， means danger. This habit of mine does not go unnoticed by my wife. Wives do not miss much. She is constantly reminding me of the foolishness of my actions or my inactions. She is forever telling me that I am going to run out of gas one day and then I would be sorry. I listen to her. Our wedding vows stated that I had to love， honor and listen to her. I listen and then I wait until that needle ventures into the red before fueling up.

I was on a pizza run to 4)Hartland the other day when the old pickup 5)sputtered and ran out of gas. It really wasn’t my fault. I think the fuel gauge must have gone bad. That happens a lot. I could hear my wife’s voice telling me how sorry I would be if I ran out of gas. I knew that I would truly be sorry if she found out that I had run out of gas. I could just hear her， “Honestly， if Allen’s brains were gasoline， he wouldn’t have enough to 6)prime the lawn mower.” Or， “Allen， the village called， it is missing its idiot.”

My pickup was resting right at the end of Pat Pending’s driveway. Pat is our neighborhood inventor. He has quite a lot of patents. Pat’s wife is named Pat， too. Some years back， she was 7)runner-up in the Miss 8)North Dakota contest. She would have won， but her tractor broke down during the talent competition.

I walked up the 9)drive and knocked on the door of Pat’s shop. I knew he’d be in there inventing something， he always is. Pat came to the door. He greeted me and then he had to show me his latest invention， a lawn mower engine that runs on toenail 10)clippings. Then he had to give me a look at an alarm clock that uses an electric 11)cattle prod to get people out of bed and then apologizes. The U.S. Marine Corps is interested in it if he can remove the apology part. Pat has a lot of great inventions. I finally 12)got around to asking him for some gas and he told me to help myself. I told him that I was sorry to bother him， but not as sorry as I would be if my wife found out that I had run out of gas.

I had another minor problem and that was that I didn’t have a gas can. Pat didn’t have one either. Pat and I looked around in all of his junk and the only thing we found that could possibly hold gasoline was what looked like an old bedpan. It looked like an old bedpan because it was an old bedpan. I took that bedpan and filled it with gas. I told Pat that I’d be right back and began 13)hoofing it back to my 14)stalled truck.

Pat’s dog， Phideaux， a French 15)poodle， accompanied me. I’m sure it was worried that I was 16)swiping the bedpan. I hiked as fast as a man can who is carrying a bedpan full of gas. I got to the pickup， removed the gas cap and began to pour the gas from the bedpan into the gas tank. I was hurrying to get the gas in before my wife learned of my foolishness.

While I was busy doing this， one of Hartland’s 17)Lutheran insisters， 18)Reverend 19)Pastor， drove by. I nodded at the passing car， quite happy that it wasn’t my wife. The good Reverend hadn’t gone far past me when he hit his brakes. He put his car into reverse， backed up to me and watched as I poured the contents of the bedpan into the gas tank of my pickup. Reverend Pastor rolled down the window of his car and said， “Now that is what I call faith.”

我是那類喜歡生活在危險(xiǎn)邊緣的人。這么說的意思是，燃油表指針不降到紅色區(qū)域我是不會(huì)給我那輛皮卡加油的。“紅色”當(dāng)然意味著危險(xiǎn)。我這習(xí)慣逃不過我太太的眼睛。太太們一般都不會(huì)忽略什么東西。她經(jīng)常提醒我，做這些或者不做那些其實(shí)有多笨多蠢。她永遠(yuǎn)對(duì)我說，總有天車子會(huì)突然沒油，我就會(huì)后悔莫及。我有聽她的話。我們的結(jié)婚誓言里說好的，我必須愛慕她，尊敬她，聽從她。她的話我有聽，不過我還是等那指針指向紅色區(qū)域才去加油。

有一天，我開車去哈特蘭德買比薩餅，路上，這輛老皮卡劈啪響了一陣，然后就沒油了。這真不是我的錯(cuò)。我覺得燃油表肯定是壞了。常有這種事的嘛。我能聽到太太那把聲音，對(duì)我說著，一旦半路沒油我會(huì)多么后悔莫及。我知道，要是給她發(fā)現(xiàn)我半路沒了汽油，我才真是后悔莫及啊。我?guī)缀跄苈牭剿谡{(diào)侃道，“老實(shí)說，如果艾倫的腦髓是汽油，光給割草機(jī)加油也不夠啊。”又或者，“艾倫，村里打電話來說，他們的白癡不見了。”

我的皮卡就停在通往帕特·彭丁家店的車道盡頭。彭丁是住在我們家附近的發(fā)明家，他擁有很多專利。彭丁的太太，名字也叫彭丁。幾年前，她奪過美國(guó)北達(dá)科他州小姐亞軍。她本來可以?shī)Z冠的，但在才能競(jìng)賽中，她的拖拉機(jī)出了問題。

我沿著車道前行，敲了敲帕特的店門。我知道他肯定正在里面弄什么小發(fā)明，他總是那樣。帕特應(yīng)門而來，招呼我進(jìn)去，還向我展示了他的最新發(fā)明——一臺(tái)靠腳趾甲屑運(yùn)轉(zhuǎn)的割草機(jī)。……