聊起來(lái) 留住愛(ài)

Want to know what causes the dissolution of far too many relationships in this world?

As a best-selling author and motivational coach， I can tell you how it goes in three acts:

Act I: You hurt me.

Act II: Because you hurt me， I hurt you.

Act III: You hurt me even more because I just hurt you， so I hurt you even more. Then you hurt me; then I hurt you; then you hurt me because I just hurt you， so I hurt you more， etc. …

The point: It’s easy to act cold/hurtful to someone who you feel has said or done something you perceive as cold/hurtful to you.

But that’s the point. That’s the easy thing to do.

It takes effort to consciously， openly， bravely， warmly speak up about the hurt you feel before things spiral negatively downward."

Yes， it takes effort to take the high road and to express your 1)vulnerabilities and concerns with warmth and 2)candor. But this effort is worth it because love and connection are your true sources for happiness—not money， not shoes， not sports cars...and definitely not the satisfaction of being right about someone or something.

So next time someone you care about does something that you feel isn’t very caring at all—put in the brave effort and kill that relationship monster while it’s still small.

With this in mind， here are some helpful communication tips to keep in mind:

1. Pick the right time， the right place. Do you have at least 30 minutes of uninterrupted time ahead? Are you in a place where your partner feels like he or she can talk openly and not self-consciously? In general， the best place to talk is at home alone， where you can sit facing each other， with good strong eye contact. Many psychologists even suggest holding hands as you talk—to keep a warm connection ongoing through all the bumps in the conversation.

2. Before you begin a difficult conversation， make it very clear to your partner that your goal is to create the best relationship possible. Admit you recognize talking about difficult subjects can be uncomfortable， but you’d rather have a difficult conversation now， than a decaying， untruthful， less intimate relationship later. Remind your partner how much you value him or her. Compliment your sweetie on a few qualities you appreciate. In general， be 100 percent certain your partner completely understands and believes your goal in talking is to increase the love.

3. If you are upset at your partner for something specific， try not to generalize by saying “You always do this. You always say that.” Generalizations will only 3)escalate your partner’s emotional state because they’re vaguer and less believable. And psychologists all agree it’s best to limit your talk to the one specific recent event that is 4)bugging you and make past offenses not admissible evidence.

4. Be conscious of trying to begin as many of your sentences with “I” as you can. Likewise， try not to begin your sentences with “You.” The goal: Own your feelings. Don’t 5)slander your partner. For example， try to say something like: “I feel like you were ignoring me yesterday—and I was hurt because I needed your warmth after my proposal was rejected at the office，” instead of “You are cold， heartless， and don’t offer me an ounce of support.”

5. Create an obvious 6)upside to talking， so you and your partner will want to talk again. In other words， be sure to close the conversation by consciously listing all the positive things you learned thanks to talking. Make a specific list of all the new actions you both will try to do to keep your relationship as strong and loving as possible.

想知道在這個(gè)世界上是什么導(dǎo)致那么多的男女關(guān)系破裂嗎？

身為一個(gè)暢銷書作者和一名勵(lì)志培訓(xùn)師，我可以告訴你這一切是如何分三步發(fā)生的：

第一步：你傷害了我。

第二步：因?yàn)槟銈α宋遥乙瞾?lái)傷害你。

第三步：你對(duì)我的傷害更深，因?yàn)槲覄倓倐α四悖乾F(xiàn)在我也要對(duì)你造成更深的傷害。然后，你傷害我；我傷害你；然后你再傷害我因?yàn)槲覄倓倐α四悖乾F(xiàn)在我也要對(duì)你造成更深的傷害，不停地這樣循環(huán)……

關(guān)鍵：如果你認(rèn)為對(duì)方說(shuō)了或者做了一些在你看來(lái)冷漠/傷感情的話或事，那么，說(shuō)或者做一些冷漠/傷感情的話或事還以顏色，是再容易不過(guò)的事了。

可這也正是我想說(shuō)的。這樣做毫不費(fèi)力。

在事情快速走下坡路之前，有意識(shí)地、坦率地、勇敢地，同時(shí)親切地說(shuō)出你感受到的傷害，則需要不少努力。

是的，想走正確的路，要親切而又直率地表達(dá)你脆弱的一面以及你關(guān)心的事情確實(shí)需要付出努力。但這些努力是值得的，因?yàn)閻?ài)和兩人的關(guān)系是你幸福的真正源泉——不是金錢、鞋子、跑車……更不會(huì)是因?yàn)槟銓?duì)某人或某事的感覺(jué)是對(duì)的而帶來(lái)的滿足感。

那么，下次如果你在乎的人做了一些你覺(jué)得非常漠然的事時(shí)，鼓起勇氣，把破壞兩人關(guān)系的魔鬼扼殺在搖籃里。

記住以上這些，下面有一些有用的溝通技巧：

1挑選合適的時(shí)間和地點(diǎn)。你們接下來(lái)有沒(méi)有至少半個(gè)小時(shí)不受干擾的時(shí)間？你們是不是在一個(gè)你的伴侶愿意開(kāi)誠(chéng)布公，而不感到難為情的地方？