為三種激情而活

李向娜

Three passions，simple but overwhelmingly strong，have governed my life：the longing for love，the search for knowledge，and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.These passions，like great winds，have blown me hither and thither，in a wayward course over a deep ocean of anguish，reaching to the very verge of despair.I have sought love，first，because it brings ecstasy — ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of my life for a few hours for this joy.I have sought it，next，because it relieves loneliness — that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss.I have sought it，finally，because in the union of love I have seen，in a mystic miniature，the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined.This is what I sought，and though it might seem too good for human life，this is what—at last—I have found.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge.I have wished to understand the hearts of men.I have wished to know why the stars shine…A little of this，but not much，I have achieved.

Love and knowledge，so far as they were possible，led upward toward the heavens.But always pity brought me back to earth.Echoes of cries of pain reverberate in my heart.Children in famine，victims tortured by oppressors，helpless old people a hated burden to their sons，and the whole world of loneliness，poverty，and pain make a mockery of what human life should be.I long to alleviate the evil but I cannot，and I too suffer.This has been my life.I have found it worth living，and would gladly live it again if the chance were offered me.

三種簡單卻極其強烈的激情支配著我的生活：對愛的渴望、對知識的求索以及對人類苦難無法抑制的憐憫。這三種激情如烈風一般肆意吹打著我，吹過痛苦的深海，到達絕望的邊緣。我尋求愛，首先因為它能帶來極至的喜悅——這情感如此美妙以至于我愿犧牲余生來換取幾個小時的這種歡愉。我尋求愛，其次是因為它能緩解孤寂——那種可怕的孤寂，它讓人用顫栗的思想審視世界，翻過世界的邊緣，陷入冰冷死寂的無底深淵。我尋求愛，最后還因為，在愛的結合中，我看到了圣人和詩人設想和預見的神秘的縮微圖景。這就是我所尋求的，盡管這對人類來說可能太過美好，但這就是我——最終的——發現。

我帶著同樣的激情追求知識。我渴望理解人類的心靈。我渴望知道為什么群星會閃爍……我已經弄清了這些問題中的一點，但是不多。

只要可能，愛和知識可以引領我們登入天堂。但憐憫之情總把我帶回現實。 痛苦的哭喊回響在我心中。饑荒中的孩子、受壓迫者蹂躪的生靈、被兒子視為可恨的包袱的無助老人，還有整個世界的孤獨、貧窮和痛苦都在嘲弄著人類生活本該有的狀態。我盼望減輕罪惡，但我無能為力，而且我也在其中煎熬。這就是我的生活。我覺得這生活是值得過活的，而且如果有機會，我會高高興興地再活一世。★