成為順當的激勵者

柯友山

Author and psychotherapist Gael Lindenfield shows how pressing the right buttons can make a lasting contribution to your childs wellbeing.

作家兼心理治療學家蓋爾·林登費爾德向你提示了下列可能對你的孩子的健康成長具有持久影響的正確方法。

Physical force of threats may make children do as theyre told in the short term but their compliance will last only as long as the threat is relevant. Then they will go back to doing what they wanted to do in the first place.

The parental approval ploy—“Mummy will be so pleased” or “Daddy would be so proud of you”—may have limited success when theyre small but it wont work on teenagers, whose strongest motivation is parental disapproval. This sort of eager-to-please passivity is not likely to impress a future boss looking for a go-getter.

However, there are ways to build and boost their self-motivation in a way that will be as beneficial to you as to them. Here are some tips on how to help your children want to do what they need to do:

Constantly remind them they deserve success—self-esteem is at the heart of self-motivation but remember, your love is not enough. They have to act in a loving way towards themselves so make them aware of behaviour and habits that are self-destructive and self-sabotaging.

Fire up their curiosity and excitement about life by extending their horizons—take them on adventures to new places and ensure they meet as many different kinds of people as possible to broaden their outlook.

Encourage them to pursue realistic dreams—and make sure these are kept alive and believable. For example, get books or videos or cut out articles about people doing what they want to do, or find a way for them to meet them or write to them. Most successful adults will willingly make time to inspire children who want to be like them.

Use “pull” not “push” to help them make hard choices and dont let your own fear of the unknown dictate what your children should or shouldnt do. Help them to find out what they really want and what is most likely to work by teaching them decision-making techniques. You cant make all their decisions for them and although you dont always approve or agree with what they want to do, you must be prepared to stand by them and offer support.

Encourage them to be self-forgiving when they make mistakes—help them to see what they have learned from them and what you have learned from yours. Challenge their negative talk and make sure youre not too stressed to see the “silver lining”, too.

Make the celebrity culture work for you and them—keep abreast of their current heroes. If they dont know much about them, do some research together to see what has helped them become successful and stay motivated. Magazines and the Internet are full of interviews and stories about how famous people “made it”. You can then refer back to this meaningful wisdom when the going gets tough. For example: “David Beckham didnt get where he is today by staying up all night playing computer games,” or “Kylie Minogue is so attractive because she smiles all the time.”

Encourage them to be self-reflective when they get it right—help them to think about the hows and whys. Reminding them of things they have done well in the past may also help. For example: “You seemed to have no trouble getting down to that essay. I wonder why it was easier for you to do your homework this week?” Or: “Do you remember during the exams last term, you found thinking positively and not panicking really seemed to help you?”

Hold back on negative criticism until they have made their own assessment. For example: “Do you think putting yourself down all the time is motivating you?” is better than saying: “You shouldnt put yourself down—it doesnt help.” Similarly: “Do you think you have lost interest partly beause you are so tired?” is preferable to: “If you got to bed earlier, you would feel differently.”

Encourage them to revel in their successes—teach them that celebrating achievements can inspire others and that it can be done in a way that doesnt sound like bragging and doesnt make other people feel small. Dont forget that for developing self-motivation, it is more important to celebreate the smaller milestones than the major achievements—they are naturally more rewarding.

強制或威脅也許能使孩子暫時惟命是從，但也僅僅限于威脅起作用的時候。過后，他們又回到原來想做的事上去。

父母采用贊許的辦法——如：“媽媽會非常高興”或“爸爸會為你感到自豪”——在孩子很小時有時也許能奏效，但對十幾歲的少年卻不起作用，這個年齡段的孩子做事總是與父母的意見相悖。這種對“急欲取悅別人”的消極心態將來找工作可就難了，它不可能給老板留下好印象，因為他要的是富有事業心的人。

然而，有一些辦法可以發展和促進孩子的自我激勵意識，它對父母和孩子都有益。以下即是如何幫助你的孩子主動做他們應該做的事的訣竅：

經常提醒他們會取得成功——自尊是自我激勵的核心，但要記住僅有你的愛是不夠的。他們必須自愛，因此，要使他們認識哪些行為和習慣對自己有害，會造成對己不利的影響。

擴大他們的視野以激發他們對生活的好奇心和興奮點——帶他們去異國他鄉、奇風異俗的地方去歷險，盡量接觸各色人等，以此擴大他們的視野。

鼓勵他們追求可成為現實的夢想——確保這些夢想能夠繼續可信。比如，為他們購買關于那些能做自己想做的事的人的書籍、錄象或剪報，或為他們想辦法與這些人見面或給他們寫信。多數功成名就的人都愿花時間激勵崇拜他們的孩子。

使用“拉”而不是“推”的方法幫助他們做艱難的決擇，不要因為對自己不了解的事的擔心就決定孩子該做什么和不該做什么。教他們做決定的技巧，以此來幫他們認識自己真正想做什么和做什么最有效。你不能一切決定都代他做，盡管你對他們想做的事并非全都贊成或同意，但你必須與他們站在一起并支持他們。

當他們犯了錯誤時，鼓勵他們原諒自己——幫助他們學會從錯誤中獲得教益并告訴他們你從自己的錯誤中得到了什么教訓。反駁他們的消極談話，自己一定不要過于壓抑以至于看不能失望中的“一線希望”。

讓精英文化為你和孩子們發揮作用——了解他們當前心目中的英雄人物是哪些。如果他們不太了解這些人物，那你就與孩子們一起做些調查，看看是什么幫助這些精英成功并時刻讓自己獲得激勵。雜志和因特網充滿名人如何“成功”的訪問記和報道。當與孩子的交流出現問題時，可以回想一下并利用這些有用的智慧：比如“如果戴維·貝克漢姆整個晚上都在玩電子游戲，他肯定不會取得今天的成就”或“剴莉·米諾格之所以如此迷人，是因為她總是面帶微笑”。

當孩子做對了，要鼓勵他們反思——幫助他們想一想是怎樣和為什么把事情做得很好的。讓他們回憶過去做得好的事情，這樣做也有益。比如：“你寫那篇文章似乎并不費勁。我不知道你為什么做這個禮拜的作業也更為容易？”或者“你還記得上學期考試時你發現思想樂觀，考場上鎮靜不慌確實對你很有幫助嗎？”

在他們做出自我估價之前，克制反面的批評。例如：“你認為總是灰心喪氣會對你有什么幫助嗎？”的說法比說“你不該灰心喪氣，這對你沒有好處！”要好。同樣“難道你不覺得有時疲勞會使你失去興趣嗎？”就比“如果你早點睡覺，感覺就會不一樣！”更可取。

鼓勵孩子為自己的成功歡呼雀躍——告訴他們慶賀自己的成就能夠激勵他人，做法可以既不夸耀自己也不貶低他人。記住，要發展自我激勵意識，慶祝較小的進步比慶祝大成就更為重要——它們當然更有回報。