書面表達練與析

亞　玲

假如你叫李明，是一名中學生。請根據下圖，向21st Century英語報投稿，反映中學生近視的普遍性，并呼吁注意用眼衛生。

注意：1.字數：100左右。2.信的開頭和結尾已寫好，不計入總字數。

Dear editor,

_______________________________________

_______________________________________

Sincerely yours,

Li Ming

學生習作：

Dear editor,

At the① present more and more middle school students are becoming near-sighted, mainly because they pay a② little attention to protecting their eyes.

First, they read whenever it is. Sometimes they read in the sun and sometimes they read in poor light. Besides, they read in③ everywhere. They read while walking or taking a bus. Sometimes, they even read as they are having meal④. Whats worse, some students are used to reading in bed. As a result, many students have trouble with their eyes, which do⑤ harm to their study and life.

In the eyes of me, middle school students shouldnt be so carelessly⑥ about their eyes. Dear editors, I hope you to⑦ do something to stop this and try to make them know the importance of protecting their eyes.

Sincerely yours

Li Ming

修改說明：①at present為固定短語，應去掉the。②attention不可數，因此應去掉a。③everywhere為副詞，前面不可加介詞，應去掉in。④meal為可數名詞，根據語境邏輯meal應改為復數形式meals。⑤先行詞為整個主句，應視為單數，因此do應改為does。⑥此處做表語，應用形容詞形式，因此carelessly應改為careless。⑦hope后面不可接不定式做賓語補足語，因此to應改為can或will。

點評： 習作者用凝重嚴肅的口吻介紹了中學生不注意用眼衛生的嚴重現狀，道出自己盼望編輯老師早日采取措施，提高中學生保護視力意識的迫切心情。First, Besides, Whats worse, As a result, In the eyes of me等過渡性詞匯的使用增強了文章的連貫性和邏輯性。原因狀語從句、讓步狀語從句、并列句、時間狀語從句、定語從句等高級表達方式的運用增強了文章的表達效果，提高了文章的表達檔次。所有這些給文章增添了亮麗的色彩。然而遺憾的是，文章也存在一些不足之處，出現了一些語言表達上的錯誤，如冠詞錯誤、介詞錯誤、名詞單復數錯誤、主謂語一致錯誤、形容詞副詞混用錯誤、非謂語動詞錯誤，表明習作者語言表達能力還不夠成熟，有待于今后進一步提高。然而，從總體上講本文不失為一篇成功之作，值得廣大讀者學習。

參考答案：

Dear editor,

At present more and more middle school students are becoming near-sighted, mainly because they pay little attention to protecting their eyes.

First, they read whenever it is. Sometimes they read in the sun and sometimes they read in poor light. Besides, they read everywhere. They read while walking or taking a bus. Sometimes, they even read as they are having meals. Whats worse, some students are used to reading in bed. As a result, many students have trouble with their eyes, which does harm to their study and life.

In the eyes of me, middle school students shouldnt be so careless about their eyes. Dear editors, I hope you can do something to stop this and try to make them know the importance of protecting their eyes.

Sincerely yours

Li Ming