A Modest Proposal1芻議一則

th December 2020

2020年12月某日

H. M. Treasury

于英國財政部

Dear B.C.，

親愛的英國公民：

I write to you because accountancy is tiring my patience and I have developed some better schemes which will propel me to fame. It is melancholy to consider the bank statements and tax returns of common people while they hang in doubtful circumstances; and， only being trained to contend with positive numbers， I have not enjoyed examining the arrears， debts， and bankruptcies which now litter my desk， from which I can not extract my usual fees or benefits.

寫信給你，是因為會計工作讓我不勝其煩，我已想出了一些更好的方案，將會促我聲名鵲起。斟酌普通人的存疑銀行對賬單和納稅申報單讓人心情郁悶，而且，我僅僅是正在接受與正數打交道的訓練而已，不喜歡審核如今攤滿我辦公桌的欠款、債務和破產文件，我無法從中抽取平時的費用或好處。

I do not pay much attention to the comings and goings of the world， but I am perfectly capable of an inference： the nation is suddenly very poor. There may be some root cause of our fiscal decline， some point of origin， but I am not one to speculate on grave matters of that sort. Between you and I， my only wish is to avoid these people who clearly spend their money irresponsibly and have， for some reason， stopped contributing to their local economies， much to the loss of everyone involved. Businesses are sinking left， right， and centre because the population has developed an unaccountable love of the hearth and home.

我對世事的興衰起伏其實并不那么在意，但我完全有能力做出推斷：國家突然很窮了。我們的財政收入下降或許有其根源，其來有自，但我可不想去揣測這類嚴肅的問題。不妨悄悄告訴你吧，我唯一的愿望是避開那些明顯花錢不負責任之人，這些人由于某些原因，不再為當地經濟做貢獻了，弄得所有牽涉之人都損失慘重。企業山窮水盡、危機四伏，原因就在于民眾莫名其妙地迷上了溫情脈脈的居家生活。

On a cold morning in November， taking my daily exercise before taking my toast and tea， I passed the black railings of Downing Street， which—have you been there？—looks out on the well-enclosed and confined land of St. James’s Park. I thought it very quiet for a Monday morning， but the unaccountable emptiness afforded me some benefits. In the absence of a crowd， I took notice of the road， pavement， and doorway which leads to the Prime Minister. As his white hair flashed across the dark window， I realised that a man of my training and experience， well-acquainted with numbers and profits—and working next door—could offer a humble proposal to stimulate our economy.

11月的一個寒冷早晨，在吃烤面包和早茶之前，我按著每天的慣例晨練，經過唐寧街的黑色欄桿——你去過那里嗎？那兒正對著圣詹姆斯公園那片封閉而狹窄的土地。以周一的早晨而言，我覺得那里非常安靜，但這種莫可名狀的空曠卻給了我一些好處。因為沒有人群經過，我留意到了通往首相官邸的道路、人行道和門口。當首相的白發掠過黑暗的窗戶時，我意識到，一個像我這樣受過訓練而富有經驗之人，對數字和利潤了如指掌——而且就在隔壁工作——可以提出一個微小的建議來刺激我們的經濟。

I began to take notes in a pocket-book about the financial state of our island and the future prospects for our trade. Because we are ever-allied to Europe， we may rely on continental support on all matters related to the free-market. I have not read the news for a couple of days， which means that I can not comment on the finer points of our eternal alliance： but I do know that we are forever bound to a mutual agreement about fishing waters， which is never likely to falter. I would suggest that we invest heavily in a campaign to make sea water the national beverage. Being an island surrounded by—even submerged in—our chosen commodity this is certain to work， and because our environment is warming to a delicious and desirable temperature， we will have more seawater to trade as time progresses： the compound interest will pay dividends. The plentiful supply of warm sea water will also mean that we can trade our national beverage at a fair rate with our global allies， on the condition that they reciprocate with nuclear weapons and other cheap， easy， and effectual items.

我開始在一個小筆記本上就我們這個島國的財政狀況和未來貿易前景做些筆記。由于我們一直與歐洲結盟，我們可以在與自由市場有關的所有問題上依賴歐洲大陸的支持。我已經好幾天沒看新聞了，因而無法對我們永恒聯盟的細節發表評論；但我明確知道的是，我們永遠須遵守一項關于捕魚水域的共同協議——這一點絕不可能動搖。我建議我們大力投資開展動員，號召以海水成為國民飲料。作為一個被我們所選擇的商品包圍——甚至淹沒——的島國，我的這一提議肯定奏效；而且，由于我們的環境正變暖到一個適宜和理想的溫度，隨著時間的推移，我們將有更多的海水進行貿易：復利拿來分紅。溫暖的海水應有盡有，也意味著我們能夠以公正適當的價格將國飲出售給全球的盟友，條件是他們以核武器和其他價廉易取、有效可用的物品作為回報。

I fear that I have no more to offer you in this letter. My plan for seawater was halfway calculated when I spotted， at a distance of approximately two metres， a man huddled in a doorway stroking a white and grey cat. He had rectangular glasses and a bald head， and by his clothing I recognised a fellow projector. I approached him with my notebook in hand， but he leapt up in a state of fear， hurtled down the street pleading his innocence， and turned the corner like a convict. He must have seen me coming， but if only—if only！—I had been able to show him my notes， we might have solved so many problems together.

恐怕在這封信里，我已經別無他話可說。我對海水的計劃剛剛算完一半，就看到在大約兩米外的地方，一個男人蜷縮在門口，撫摸著一只灰白相間的貓。男人戴著一副方框眼鏡，禿頂，從他的衣著來看，我認出他和我一樣，也是一位規劃師。我走近他，手中拿著筆記本，但他驚恐地跳了起來，沿著街道飛奔而去，辯稱自己是無辜的，然后像個罪犯一樣拐過了街角。他一定看見我來了，但要是——要是！——我當時有機會把筆記本給他看，那我們說不定早就一起解決好多問題了。

I hope that we may meet in the future when my plan is in better shape. We may have to meet in the new year because I have developed a cough， which is difficult to shift in the cold weather. The other night I could not sleep because I was struggling to breathe， but this is because I have been busy with my work， and the constant strain has rather rattled my corpus. I have taken to walking more often， but I do not enjoy society nowadays. Unaccountably， the honest business of hand-shaking seems to have fallen into obscurity， like all matters of decorum in recent times.

希望將來我的計劃更完善時，我們可以見面。我們可能要在新的一年才能見面了，因為我咳嗽了，在寒冷的天氣里很難治好。不久前的一天晚上，我睡不著，因為呼吸困難——但這是因為我一直忙于工作，持續的壓力令我的話里顛三倒四。我現在更喜歡散步了，但我不喜歡社交。不可思議的是，握手這種誠實的行為現在似乎漸至被人遺忘，就像近來所有得體的行為一樣。

I enclose a book for you to read， which I have carefully examined with my fingers for imperfections.

隨信附上一本書供你閱讀，我已親手仔細檢查了它的瑕疵情況。

Yours until we meet，

你的，直到我們見面

I. Bickerstaff

I. 比克斯塔夫

（譯者單位：山東理工大學）

1 本文是在2020年12月《倫敦雜志》（The London Magazine）上發表的一篇隨筆。《倫敦雜志》是英國最古老的文學期刊，其歷史可追溯到1732年，刊發過包括雪萊、濟慈、艾略特、柯南·道爾、杰克·倫敦、安吉拉·卡特、喬治·奧威爾、西爾維婭·普拉斯在內的眾多著名作家的作品。篇名A Modest Proposal顯然有意模仿了諷刺文學大師喬納森·斯威夫特（Jonathan Swift，1667—1745）1729年的同名隨筆，作者名I. Bickerstaff則與斯威夫特當年發表作品常用的筆名Isaac Bickerstaff極其相似。譯者多方查考仍無法找到本文作者的介紹資料，權將此文當作作者對斯威夫特的致敬之作。需特別說明的是，篇名譯為《芻議一則》，是向周作人、劉炳善兩位前輩譯家致敬（他們將斯威夫特的同名隨筆譯為《育嬰芻議》）。