A second try

廣東 彭 英

主題語境：人與自我 篇幅：396詞 建議用時：7分鐘

1It was commencement at our college.People were pouring into the hall as I entered it.Finding the choice seats in the center of the hall already taken,I pressed forward,looking to the right and left for a seat.Finally,I found one in the very front row.

2Here a little girl moved along to make room for me,looking into my face with large gray eyes.Again and again I found my eyes turning to the rose-like face,and each time the gray eyes moved half-smiling to meet mine.Obviously,she was ready to make friends with me.And when,with a bright smile,she returned my dropped handkerchief,and I said“thank you”,we seemed good friends.

3Other persons now coming into the seats,crowded me quite close to the girl.Her face beamed with pleasure and pride as she said,“My brother is going to graduate.He's going to deliver a speech.I've brought these flowers to send to him.”

4“That is my brother,”she went on,“that handsome one with brown wavy hair.There!He's waving his hands now.You see him,don't you?”“I see him,”I responded.“He's a very good-looking brother.”“Yes,he is beautiful,”she said with delight.“And he's so good and studies so hard that he has an honor to speak.”

5“His speech is a good one,and he says it beautifully.He has said it to me many times that I almost know it by heart,”the girl continued.“What a pretty girl!”I thought,looking down into her bright proud face.

6As the ceremony went on,my little friend became excited and restless.Her eyes grew brighter and brighter,two deep-red spots glowed on her cheeks.“Now,it's his turn,”she said,turning to me with a face in which pride, delight and anxiety seemed equally mixed.She rose to her feet and tiptoed for a better view of her brother.By her deep breathing,I knew her heart was thumping in her throat.By the way,her brother came up the steps and onto the stage,I also knew he was trembling.His face was pale and lips were blue as with a cold.I felt anxious that he might have been seized by stage fright.The little girl,too,seemed to realize things were not well with him.

Reading Check

閱讀上面的短文，根據所給情節進行續寫，使之構成一個完整的故事。注意：

1.所續寫短文的詞數應為150左右；

2.續寫部分分為兩段，每段的開頭語已為你寫好。

Paragraph 1:

Something like fear showed in her face.______________________________________

Paragraph 2:

Surprisingly,she came up to the president,asking,“Will you let my brother try again?”__________________________________________________________________

Step 1 語篇研讀

本文是一篇記敘文，要做到續寫內容與所給材料內容連貫、銜接緊密，必須分析文本結構、捕捉關鍵信息并挖掘文本承載的文化與價值觀。本文解讀如下：

Step 2 情節構思

根據所給材料和續寫段落首句提供的信息，構思續寫部分的故事情節，這一過程分為四步。

第一步，根據原文和給出的兩個段首句領悟文章的主旨大意和作者的情感態度。

通過小女孩與“我”的交流及“我”的觀察，我們可以了解到小女孩為即將進行畢業演講的哥哥感到驕傲和自豪。她佩服哥哥的成績，認同哥哥的想法，看到哥哥成功就好像自己獲得了成功一樣。她的哥哥非常優秀，非常努力，他的演講詞非常精彩，他準備得也非常好，于是她在焦急、興奮和緊張中期待哥哥登臺演講。終于輪到哥哥了，小女孩非常興奮和緊張，可是她發現哥哥有點不對勁，哥哥好像特別緊張和害怕……由此，我們可以推斷本文要傳達的主題為：兄妹情深和勇氣。

第二步，圍繞續寫第一段所給出的段首句“Something like fear showed in her face.”預測故事情節的發展，我們可以根據下面的提問進行構思：

（1）Did her brother deliver the speech as smoothly as planned?

（2）If he did,what would happen next?If not,what would happen next?

Clues:Describe fear from the view of emotions,actions and psychology.

第三步，根據續寫第二段所給出的段首句倒推續寫第一段的內容，注意保持續寫第一段末尾句與續寫第二段首句之間語言與情節的銜接與連貫。例如,根據續寫第二段的段首句“Surprisingly,she came up to the president,asking,‘Will you let my brother try again?’”可以推斷，在續寫第一段中應該著重描寫小女孩的哥哥由于緊張，表現不好，可能忘詞了。

第四步，圍繞續寫第二段的段首句，根據下面的提問進行構思：

（1）Did the president give them a second try?

（2）If her brother was given the chance,what would he do and how would the girl and the audience react to it?

（3）How would the story end?

Step 3 語言打磨

一、語言特色

1.Again and again I found my eyes turning to the rose-like face,and each time the gray eyes moved half-smiling to meet mine.我的眼睛一次又一次地瞥向這玫瑰般的臉蛋，而她的灰色眼睛也總會淺笑著迎上我的視線。

【點石成金】本句中的found my eyes turning to the rose-like face 為“動詞+賓語+賓補”結構；half-smiling 意為“淺笑”，作伴隨狀語；mine在此處指my eyes。

2.“Now,it's his turn,”she said,turning to me with a face in which pride,delight and anxiety seemed equally mixed.“現在輪到他了?！彼D過身對我說，臉上似乎帶著一種自豪、高興又擔憂的表情。

【點石成金】turning to me with a face...作伴隨狀語；in which pride,delight and anxiety seemed equally mixed 是限制性定語從句，修飾前面的先行詞a face。

二、語言模式

（一）情感的表達方式

1.With a bright smile,she returned my dropped handkerchief.

2.Her face beamed with pleasure and pride.

3.“Yes,he is beautiful,”she said with delight.

4.“What a pretty girl!”I thought,looking down into her bright proud face.

5.As the ceremony went on,my little friend became excited and restless.

6.Her eyes grew brighter and brighter,two deep-red spots glowed on her cheeks.

7.“Now,it's his turn,”she said,turning to me with a face in which pride,delight and anxiety seemed equally mixed.

8.By her deep breathing,I knew her heart was thumping in her throat.

9.His face was pale and lips were bule as with a cold.

10.I felt anxious that he might have been seized by stage fright.

（二）動作的表達方式

1.People were pouring into the hall as I entered it.

2.I pressed forward,looking to the right and left for a seat.

3.Other persons now coming into the seats,crowded me quite close to the girl.

4.She rose to her feet and tiptoed for a better view of her brother.

（三）寫作手法

1.Again and again I found my eyes turning to the rose-like face.(simile)

2.His face was pale and lips were blue as with a cold.(comparison)

3.By her deep breathing,I knew her heart was thumping in her throat.By the way her brother came up the steps and onto the stage,I also knew he was trembling.(parallelism)

Step 4 潤色成篇

讀后續寫是模仿原文語言并進行再創造的寫作題型，因此續寫內容應該在主題意義、情節、語言風格、結構邏輯層面與原文保持一致。具體如下：

（1）主題意義：兄妹情深、勇氣。

（2）情節：續寫的情節應與原文的情節發展吻合，我們要根據人物的性格特點和故事發展的邏輯，進行合理的續寫。

（3）語言風格：在寫作手法上，原文通過情感描寫、動作描寫、人物對話等刻畫人物性格；在語法和句式上，用非謂語、獨立主格結構等來傳達文意；在修辭手法上，用比喻和排比等修辭手法進行生動形象的描寫。因此，在進行續寫時應保持以上語言風格的統一。

（4）結構邏輯：注意兩個續寫段落篇幅的平衡性、語法和銜接詞的準確性、詞匯的豐富性、語言的流暢性和得體性。