Let Your Child Be the One and Only

Good education is about respecting children’s inherent temperament and acting in accordance with their nature， thereby tapping into their unique potential. This book， written by Professor Wang Shuquan of the China Academy of Education Sciences， helps parents to discover and understand their children’s temperament and personality through the nine dimensions in temperament assessment tailor-made for Chinese children， and to analyze six common personality problems in children， thus providing insight into discovering the roles different temperament types play behind children’s personality.

Luo Jing

Doctor in medical psychology from the Institute of Psychology， Chinese Academy of Sciences， and a postdoctoral fellow in child development psychology. She is a member of the Expert Committee at the Child Development Research Center of the China National Committee for the Well-being of the Youth， Deputy Director of the Child Safety and Psychological Education Committee at the Child Development Research Center of the China National Committee for the Well-being of the Youth， a member of the Psychology Popularization Committee at the Chinese Psychological Society， and a member of the Board of Directors at the Chinese Association for Improving Birth Outcome and Child Development. Her major works include There Is Always a Way to Educate， Companionship is Better Parenting， and Love Starts with Understanding Children.

Over the years， I have been thinking about one thing： How can I raise a child with good character？

Sow an act and reap a habit; sow a habit and reap a character; sow a character and reap a destiny. One’s character determines what one can accomplish in life and where they end up.

Who doesn’t want a beautiful life for their children？ Who doesn’t want their kids to be successful and talented？ However， sometimes things might not go as we wish. We can make sure our kids are raised in abundance， with tons of opportunities to learn and an overall amazing experience in life， but how come an increasing number of kids are having personality problems？ I believe that in education， it is more important than anything to let kids be themselves ---" be real and true to themselves. This is fundamental in the success of any child.

In this book， I will talk about what I see as good education and bad education， about the troubling points in home education， and about my view of child development. Looking at individual development from a holistic perspective， these are the inevitable elements for a child to be of virtue and successful.

The center of home education is people--- this includes not just the child but also the parents. Parenting is also self-education， and if we cannot expect growth from parents， we certainly wouldn’t see it in children. However， knowing the right direction is far more critical than blindly trying.

Taoism advocates “the Way of Nature”; Buddhists ask， “How did I not realize that I was already complete”; Confucius says， “Teachers， when teaching， ought as far as possible to teach students according to their abilities”; the Philosophy of War insists “One should guide things adroitly according to the circumstance”; in agriculture， one would need to “take such measures as suitable to local condition”; and last but not least， artists say that we should “give description following the shape of the object”. In my opinion， all of the above mean the same thing： don’t try to break it down and reconstruct it --- respect nature and act in accordance. Temperament is an endowed treasure that varies from one person to another. Bertrand Russell said， “Variety is the source of happiness.” Why should we force everyone to be the same？ Mass-produced pieces are neither beautiful nor true. If we try to raise Lin Daiyu （a fictional character from Dream of the Red Chamber， a Chinese novel， known to be sentimental， sensitive， and always sad） into Zhang Fei （a fictional character in Three Kingdoms， who is a short-tempered man and a mighty warrior）， or turn the sensitive and tough Monkey King into the quiet and docile Tang Monk， it would almost certainly lead to the child’s tragic destruction， and on top of that， all our hard work will be for nothing. The result of such education is often against our will， with the worse result being a pointless exercise and the worst being a complete tragedy. Therefore， I believe that good education begins with an education that respects the child’s innate temperament， thus tapping into the unique potential of each child.

One’s temperament doesn’t have to be good or bad. Any child can become a more valuable and significant person to others and to society. However， the realization of this depends on the environment that parents provide and how they guide them to unleash the mysterious power in their genes. With the right environment and education methods， the child will never go astray; on the other hand， if both the environment and the education methods are wrong， the child is very likely to go astray.

There was a kid diagnosed with autism at a very young age， but through the tireless efforts and help of her parents， she became an excellent pilot in the end. This is a true story that happened around me， constantly reminding me that every child is an angel on earth and that parents need to treat every life with care， attention， tenderness， and responsibility.

In talking about temperament in this book， I am not using the metrics of “choleric， melancholic， phlegmatic and sanguine”， nor am I taking the “easy， difficult， slow and mixed” approach commonly used in child psychology. To make it easier for parents to pinpoint their child’s temperament more precisely， I have used the nine temperament types developed for Chinese children by Professor Wang Shuchuan of the Chinese Academy of Educational Sciences. The nine temperament types are specific， complete， easy to understand， and easily applicable for parents.

Professor Wang is also my mentor and friend. We have had discussions on the temperament types of Chinese children countless times， and I believe this concept will be refreshing to you as well. Meanwhile， the reader will also be able to easily understand the individual differences of children and be acutely aware of the need and urgency of tailoring different personality development programs for children based on different temperament types.

Of course， it is one thing to understand and another to act ---" reasoning is straightforward， but confusion lies whenever problems occur. Confusion is extremely normal， as there is indeed a long way to go from theory to practice. Even for me， someone who has been studying child development psychology for over ten years and raised two children myself， this is still the case.

Therefore， in this book， I will cover the six causes of children’s personality problems （including not being able to accept losing， lack of confidence， “rebelliousness”， stubbornness and capriciousness， timidity and fear， procrastination and dawdling） and techniques to change them， which are also the questions most asked by parents in consultations， and they are all related to certain temperament types. For example， a child’s lack of confidence is highly correlated with the temperament types of avoidance， sensitivity， and state of mind. When we conduct confidence training for these children who are slow to adapt and shy， the methods we use are surely different from when we deal with those who are already highly sociable and at their best in a crowd. However， what I can offer is only a frame， within which you can draw however you want and not get sidetracked. It is also likely that even after you have read and understood all this， you are still not able to solve your child’s problems ---" not because these methods do not work， but that you need to adopt a “transformative” approach according to your child’s temperament. The so-called “practical approach” varies from one to another， and that’s the assignment parents need to complete themselves. If parents know their child’s temperament type， they can get twice the result with half the effort.

The most crucial chapter in this book is teaching you to do “chemical experiments”： I have combined scientific research in psychology with my own practical experience of raising and educating my own children to help parents adjust the “pH” of nine different temperament types. For example， one of the temperament types is “distractibility”， with “easily distracted” on one end of the spectrum and “not easily distracted” on the other. According to common perceptions， being easily distracted is something to be corrected， and being not easily distracted is something desirable. In fact， there are advantages in being easily distracted， too---" children who are easily distracted can adapt more quickly and better to a new environment. In contrast， those who are less easily distracted can become stubborn and obsessed. Therefore， it is essential to utilize the advantages of this temperament and to regulate the level of distraction according to different situations， thus improving children’s problem-solving skills and their ability to adapt to their environment so that they can focus when they need to. With this in mind， I have come up with nine outstanding character qualities based on nine temperament types， which I hope will help children to achieve their best.

Last but not least， we will take a look together at educational concepts such as “happy education”， “sheep-herding education”， “tiger parents”， “not losing the starting line”， and “expectation education”， which are specious and impossible to agree on. Due to the differences in perceptions and practices， these are probably the “land mines” buried in the path of nature-based education. It might be too dramatic to say that the process of homeschooling requires one to blaze trails and break paths to forge ahead， but it does require us to keep our eyes open and our head clear.

I have been studying psychology for 25 years and working in the field of children’s education for 15 years. All this time， I have always been committed to introducing more parents to the science of parenting， and bringing happiness to more children. There is no magical remedy for easy parenting. The process of growing up is a painful transformation itself. There is only one chance at life， and you don’t get to be a child twice. Therefore， parents should try to understand their children and tailor-make a pair of running shoes for their children in the right size， the right color， and the right style that’s comfortable enough for them to advance at full speed without fear！

Let Your Child Be the One and Only

Luo Jing

China Renmin University Press

September 2021

59.00 （CNY）