A Good Laugh

愿變父親

一富翁呼負債人到家，吩咐說：“你們如果赤貧無還，可對我發誓，愿來生如何償還，我就焚券不要。”

欠少人曰：“我愿來生變馬，與主人騎坐，以還宿債。”

翁點頭，將借帖燒了。

又中等欠戶曰：“我愿來生變牛，代主人出力，耕田耙地，以還宿債。”

翁點頭，亦將借帖燒了。

最后一債多人曰：“我愿來生變你的父親還債。”

翁大怒曰：“你欠我許多銀子，除不償還，反要討我便宜，是何道理？”

正要打罵，其人曰：“聽我實告：我所欠的債極多，不是變牛變馬就可以還得完的。我所以情愿來生變你的父親，勞苦一世，不顧身命，積成偌大的田房家業，自己不肯享用，盡數留與你快活受用，豈不可以還你的宿債么？”

吹牛

甲乙二人相遇，各有惱怒之色。

乙問甲曰：“請問兄面上為何有怒色？”

甲曰：“我雖身居中國，耳卻能聽萬里。我方才靜坐中，因聽見西天有一個和尚，在那里誦經，我嫌聒噪，喝住他莫誦，那和尚不睬我，不肯住，我一時間怒起，就將一座須彌山拿在手里，當一石塊摜去撞他。誰知那和尚，值山墜來的時候，他只把眼睛一眨，將手抹一抹，口里說曰：‘哪里飄來的砂灰，幾乎瞇了我的眼睛。’說完仍舊去誦經，究竟不曾打著他絲毫，叫我無法治他，豈不可惱？”

因問乙曰：“你也著惱，卻是為何？”

乙曰：“昨日有一客到我家來，無物款他，提了一蚊蟲，破開蚊蟲的肚腹，取了蚊子的心肝，用刀切作一百二十塊，下鍋炒熟奉他。豈知那客人吃下肝去，噎在咽喉里不上不下，只說我肝切大了，怨恨著我。而今還睡在我家里哼個不住，豈不可惱？”

甲曰：“哪有這等小咽喉？”

乙曰：“你既然有這等聽西天的遠耳朵，能容須彌山的大眼睛，難道就不許我有這等噎蚊子心肝的小咽喉么？”

騎馬敗家

有一人極貧，將破酒甕做床腳。一晚，夫妻同睡，夢見拾得一錠銀子。

夫妻商議，將此銀經營幾年，該利息許多，可以買田，可以造屋。一旦致富，就可買官，但既然富貴，須要出入騎馬，只是這馬，我從不會騎慣，因對妻曰：“你權當作馬，待我跨上來一試何如？”

不覺跨重了，將破酒甕翻倒了，床鋪同身子一齊都倒在地上。夫妻嚷鬧不已。

鄰人問之，妻應曰：“我本好好的一個人家，只為好騎馬，把家業都騎壞了。”

（摘自《中國古代民間故事長編·清代卷》浙江大學出版社）

I Wish to Become Your Father

A wealthy landowner received his debtors to his home,explaining to them how to repay their debts.“Should thou be destitute and unable to repay thine debts,pledge to repay me in the next life and I shall willingly burn thine debenture notes.”

The man with the lesser debt said,“I wish to be a horse in my next life,and be ridden by my master to repay my debts from this life.”

The landowner nodded and thus his debenture notes went up in a puff of smoke.

The debtor with a middling amount of debt said,“I wish to become an ox in the next life,to work for my master ploughing the fields as a means with which to repay my debts from this life.”

The landowner nodded and took a match to his debenture notes.

Finally,a man with excessive debt said,“I wish to become your father in the next life to repay my debts.”

This comment drew the ire of the landowner,“Thou owest me a great deal of silver,knave! And thou knowst full good and well that failure to repay me is out of the question,thus thou wishest to engage in this charade as a means to take advantage of me.Is this not thy meaning?”

The landowner was just about to have the man scolded and beaten for such impudence when the debtor implored him,“I beg of thee to listen sire.The money I owe is nearly immeasurable.It is not something that could be repaid by the mere act of becoming a work horse or a plough ox.Hence,I wish to become your father.To toil away for my entire life with never a thought paid to my own needs.To amass a great fortune of land and property,none of which shall I dare enjoy for even a day in my life.And then to leave it—the whole lot of it—to thee,my heir,for thine own personal joy and leisure.I pray thee sire,is this not enough to repay my debts from this life?”

Preposterous Puffery

Two men met perchance upon the road.Curiously,each of them seemed angry.

The second man inquired of the first,“Wherefore thou appearest so vexed,sire?”

The first man retorted,“Though I reside in the Middle Kingdom of China,my ears can hear the goings on ten thousand miles away.Whilst I was sitting here serenely,it so happened that I perceived a monk under the Western Heaven chanting the scriptures incessantly.I complained of the noise and shouted for him to cease,but he paid no mind to me.He was simply unwilling to stop.Presently I became infuriated and picked up Mount Sumeru and threw it in his direction.Who could have known that,just at the very moment that the mountain hit him,the monk would blink,rub his eyes and say,‘The wind has whipped up some dust that nearly got stuck in my eye.’ With this remark,he just went on with his chants.As I was unable to perturb him in the slightest,I’m afraid thou wilt have to regard me as powerless to control him.Pray tell good sir,who would not be irate under the circumstances?”

After these words,he asked the second man,“What stirred thou to anger then?”

The second man replied,“A guest paid a visit to my home yesterday,but there was nothing with which I could entertain him.So,I picked up a mosquito,slit open its thorax and removed its liver,which I cut into one hundred and twenty equal sections with a blade.I promptly fried the liver and respectfully served it to him.Who could have guessed the guest would nibble the liver and get stuck in his throat.He lamented that the liver had been cut into too large of pieces and that he despised me for it.As a matter of fact,he is still staying with me and clearing his throat incessantly.The noise is driving me mad! Who wouldn’t find such a thing vexing?”

The first man asked,“But who in the world could have such a small throat?”

To which the second man replied,“Being that thou hast ears to hear all the way to the Western Heaven and canst pick up the whole of Mount Sumeru in thine hand,is it not fitting that I should serve mosquito liver minced into one hundred twenty pieces to a tiny-throated guest?”

Lose a Fortune for Horse Riding

There was a pauperous fellow who brought home an empty wine jug that he used to make a bed stand.One night,as he and his wife slept,he dreamt that he found a purse full of silver by the roadside.

The next morning he recounted his dream to her and asked what they should do with the money if they ever really came into a fortune.The two of them decided that investing it and using the profits years later to purchase land on which they could build a cottage would be the best choice.And once they became wealthy,they would buy a title.Though,riches such as those would necessitate riding a horse for transportation,something to which the man was highly unaccustomed.So,he said to his wife,“You pretend to be a horse,and I’ll mount your back and try to ride you for practice,okay?”

As the man got onto her back,he unconsciously swung his leg over to the other side of her like one would when saddling up on a real horse.He landed hard on top of her with a thud,and all his weight on her back,causing her to topple the wine jug,which then caused the bed to go crashing to the floor.Upon seeing their prized possessions ruined,the man and the woman got into a knock-downdrag-out fight.

The neighbors heard the racket and knocked on the walls asking them what was wrong.The wife yelled through the walls,“I’m a good wife I am,just that I lost our family fortune trying to be a good horse.”

(FromThe Complete Volume of Ancient Chinese Folk Tales:Qing Dynasty,Zhejiang University Press.Translation:Chase Coulson)