世界上第一位獨自穿越南極的女性：我的孤獨之旅

When Felicity Aston started smelling fish and chips， she knew something was wrong. She must be hallucinating. After all， there are no pubs in the middle of Antarctica. The British explorer was skiing solo across the great frozen continent and had not seen another human being for weeks. “It drove me insane，” said Aston. “It was like I was skiing along a huge row of fish and chips shops， the whole day.” But， she says， she kept wiggling her fingers and toes to check for hypothermia， gritted her teeth and kept going， eventually crossing Antarctica in 59 days—becoming the first woman in the world to make it solo. Despite being a seasoned explorer—Aston previously led a team to the South Pole; raced across Arctic Canada and traversed the inland ice of Greenland —this was her first solo expedition. She says she has never felt so alone.

Being alone in Antarctic means being on a high alert all the time. There is a danger at every step： crevasse fields， whiteouts， sharp-edged grooves and ridges; temperatures below 40℃ and hurricane-speed winds. Among the many physical impacts this environment has on the body—exhaustion， malnutrition， frostbite， cramps， sunburn—one of the most serious is hypothermia. Among polar explorers， hypothermia is known as “the silent killer” because its first symptom is a progressive inability to think clearly， recognize the problem and do something about it. “The first warning signal of hypothermia is abnormal behavior—being very quiet， confused， incoherent，” Aston explained. These are things that other members of an expedition pick up on， but， in a team of one， there’s no one else to raise the red flag. “If you’re alone， you have to make sure that if something goes wrong you can get out of it，” she said. “I had to always make sure that I would be able to put up a tent and look after myself at the end of each day.” That’s why Aston constantly wiggled her fingers， to make sure they weren’t becoming numb， as the inability to use her hands would have been fatal.

Despite the endless physical dangers， Aston says the real challenge is winning the mental battle with solitude. “It became the biggest struggle of the whole trip，” she said. “Every single morning， the first thing that struck me was， ‘Oh my goodness， I can’t do this， I don’t want to be here， I’ve made a terrible mistake.’”

After 40 days， Aston says she started noticing changes. “I realized I would go a whole day and really not think about anything at all. My head was completely empty，” she said. Hallucinations and strange sensations came next. “The sun became really important to me，” she added. During the polar summer， the sun circles in the sky， never going down. It became Aston’s constant companion and she began greeting it in the morning. “This developed into me having full-blown conversations with the sun in my mind，” she added.

While bodily functions don’t make the difference， it’s the attitude that sets men and women apart. Aston says that even the most experienced women tend to suffer from a lack of self confidence and sense of vulnerability. “When I take groups of women out into the cold environment， they are a lot more unsure， their default position is ‘I can’t do this’，” she said. Her job then becomes to convince them about the opposite. With men， it’s different. “Usually they’ll fling themselves at it and their default position is ‘I already know how to do this， I know exactly how to do this’， and it’s a matter of bringing them in and telling them that they need to think more and watch out for certain things.”

After days of skiing alone， in extreme cold， these differences between men and women disappear. Apart from one， which Aston has yet to find a solution to： going to the toilet. “It’s the only time in my life I’ve ever wanted to be a man，” Aston said.

當(dāng)菲麗希迪·阿斯頓開始聞到魚和炸薯條的香味時，她知道壞事了。她知道一定是產(chǎn)生幻覺了，畢竟在南極洲的腹地是不可能有酒吧的。這位英國探險家正獨自滑雪穿越這塊冰凍的大陸，她已經(jīng)幾個星期沒有見過任何人了。阿斯頓說：“在一整天的時間里我好像是在滑過一長排炸魚店和薯條店，這種感覺讓我發(fā)瘋。”她說，她不停地扭動手指和腳趾檢查自己是否體溫過低，她咬著牙，堅持前進(jìn)，終于用時59天穿越南極大陸——成為世界上第一位獨自滑雪穿越南極洲的女性。盡管作為一名有經(jīng)驗的探險家——阿斯頓曾帶領(lǐng)一支探險隊到達(dá)過南極，穿越過加拿大的北極圈和冰天雪地的格陵蘭內(nèi)陸——但這是她第一次單獨探險，她說她從未感到如此孤獨。

孤身一人穿越南極意味著時刻需要保持高度的警覺。每前進(jìn)一步都有危險：可能會遇見冰川裂縫、暫時失明、懸崖峭壁;零下四十?dāng)z氏度的氣溫，風(fēng)速似颶風(fēng)的大風(fēng)。這樣的環(huán)境帶給人體眾多影響：疲憊不堪、營養(yǎng)不良、凍傷、痙攣以及皮膚灼傷等，其中最嚴(yán)重的是體溫過低癥。極地探險家們將體溫過低稱為“無聲殺手”，因為它最初的癥狀是人思維不清，無法意識正面臨的危險并采取相應(yīng)措施。“體溫過低最先的癥狀是行為異常——人變得非常安靜，腦袋迷糊，語無倫次。”阿斯頓解釋。如果身在探險隊中，這些癥狀隊員互相是會留心的，但當(dāng)孤身一人時，便沒有人會幫你留意。“假如你孤身一人，就得保證出了問題你有辦法解決，”她說，“我總是保證自己在每一天結(jié)束的時候能搭起帳篷來讓自己好好休息。”這也是為什么阿斯頓總是扭動手指，確保手指沒有被凍僵，假如她的手出了問題，結(jié)果將是致命的。

盡管會遇上數(shù)不盡的人身危險，阿斯頓說真正的挑戰(zhàn)來自心理上的孤獨。“孤獨成為整個旅途中最艱巨的斗爭。”她說，“每天早上我想到的第一件事是，‘哦天吶，這我做不了，我不想待在這里，我已經(jīng)犯了一個可怕的錯誤。’”

四十天之后，阿斯頓開始注意到些變化。“我意識到我會行走一整天而不會有別的想法。那時我的頭腦一片空白。”她說，然后幻覺和奇異感隨之而來。“太陽對我來說至關(guān)重要。”她補(bǔ)充道。極地的夏季，太陽一直在天空中運轉(zhuǎn)，從不會落下。太陽成為阿斯頓的忠實伴侶，她也開始在早晨迎接太陽。“這種習(xí)慣使我在心里生出許多話來要對太陽說。”阿斯頓說。

由于身體方面的功能沒有很大區(qū)別，將男女隊員區(qū)分開來的是態(tài)度的差異。阿斯頓說即便是最有經(jīng)驗的女性也會感到自信不足和脆弱無助。“當(dāng)我?guī)е慌爢T進(jìn)入寒冷的環(huán)境當(dāng)中時，她們會更缺乏信心，她們的先入之見是‘我不行’。”她說。她接下來的工作就是說服她們樹立信心。而和男隊員在一起時情況就不一樣了。“通常他們會去努力嘗試，他們通常的想法是‘我已經(jīng)知道該怎么做，并且知道得很清楚’，所以我只需把他們帶來，告訴他們在做某件事時要仔細(xì)想一想，要小心。”

在嚴(yán)寒天氣獨自滑雪幾天后，男女隊員間的差異已消失，除了一件事。這件事阿斯頓到目前為止還沒有找到一個解決方法，那就是上廁所。“這是在我人生當(dāng)中唯一想當(dāng)男人的時刻。”阿斯頓說。