找到我的光

Sara Etgen-Baker 張寧

An empty lantern provides no light. Self-care is the fuel that allows your light to shine brightly.

—Author Unknown

空燈籠不亮。照顧好自己能讓你閃耀光芒。

——無名氏

“Pick up the pace！” coaxed1 my husband.

“But I cant！” I said， my heart pounding hard inside my chest. “I cant go any faster！”

“Yes， you can！ Youre not fat anymore.”

There it was， the word “fat” and label that defined me for 30 years. I was a plump2， pleasant little girl， and then a charming， chunky3 teenager. By the time I entered college， I was a spirited and stout4 young woman. Six years later， I was an obese5 college graduate with a bright career ahead of me—a career that failed to take off.

But I was blind to my own obesity， unaware that it was at the core of my unemployability6 until someone shared his reason for not hiring me. “Your credentials7 are sound， but your level of obesity makes me doubt if you can do the job well.”

His words opened my eyes to a hard truth： I was addicted8 to food. Breaking my addiction was hard. It required making different choices. Slowly， I changed my eating habits， eating only when I was physically hungry instead of eating when I was emotionally hungry.

Although I could barely walk down the stairs of my apartment building， I began walking to improve. Initially， I could walk for only 15 minutes at a time. But I pushed myself every day， walking five minutes longer than I did the day before until I walked for an hour and two at last. For two years， I committed9 myself to healthy eating choices and maintained my walking regimen10， slowly and painstakingly changing myself from being an unhealthy 300-pound woman to a 130-pound healthy one. At that point， I traded my walking shoes for running shoes and became an avid11 runner.

My journey motivated my husband. In March 2001， after seeing a commercial12 inviting Americans to nominate13 an ordinary person who inspired them to bring the Olympic flame to Salt Lake City， he nominated me to be a torchbearer14. The chance of being selected was small. But I believed my story would inspire others.

Running taught me the importance of training for a race. I pictured myself running a race and crossing the finish line. For months， I ran through my neighborhood carrying a broken-off broom handle with a three-pound weight on it in my right hand， feeling the weight of the torch. I waved at my neighbors， pretending they were cheering. I printed a picture of a torchbearer wearing the white uniform， replaced the face with a picture of mine， and taped it to my refrigerator door. Every day， I visualized myself as a torchbearer. I was in training to participate in a historic running event.

On September 26th， while on my daily run through my neighborhood， an express package arrived. My hands trembled as I opened it and read：

Youve been selected as a “potential” support runner for the Salt Lake 2002 Olympic Torch Relay...A nationwide search was conducted for ordinary individuals whove inspired others to be both torchbearers and support runners. Youve obviously touched those around you. Although all the torchbearer spots have been filled， youre eligible to be a support runner. A support runner serves as “guardian of the flame” and accompanies torchbearers carrying the Olympic Flame along its journey... Congratulations！

Although I wouldnt be wearing the white uniform and carrying the torch as I had imagined， I wasnt disappointed. My dream of participating in the torch relay was coming true！ I was delighted to be a support runner and “guardian of the flame”. I completed the required physical examination， submitted15 the forms， and waited， knowing that the letter clearly stated I was a “potential” support runner. Months passed without any word， but I continued my training runs through the neighborhood. Finally， on December 20th， another package arrived. It contained my official blue support runner uniform along with instructions for my segment of the relay.

“Bill，” I ran inside the house screaming， “Im officially a support runner！ Were going to Santa Fe， New Mexico！”

For the following weeks and despite winters bitter cold， I ran every day through my neighborhood， clutching16 my makeshift torch in my gloved hand. On January 12th， a bitter cold day， my husband and I stood outside the Torch Relay collection point in Santa Fe. “One of todays torchbearers cant run her segment，” announced the relay organizer as she dropped folded pieces of paper into her hat. “One lucky support runner will become a torchbearer. Select a number from this hat as its passed around.”

I removed my glove and reached into the hat， with my numb17 hand trembling. I closed my eyes， stirred the contents， nabbed18 the first piece of paper that stuck to my fingers， and waited.

“Number 32！ Who has number 32？”

I opened my eyes and unfolded my piece of paper. “Me！Oh， my God...me！”

I was whisked19 inside where I changed into a white torchbearer uniform and boarded the bus with the Olympic theme song blaring20 over the loudspeakers. The bus drove down streets lined with balloons and banners， filled with people waving flags. Then I stepped off the bus and positioned myself to receive the flame. The cold air， filled with excitement， took away my breath. Hold it tightly， I thought， as the flame in the torch carried by the runner before me lit my three-pound torch. I turned around and ran down the street， just as I had practised all those months.

The world vanished. I ran without my feet ever touching the ground. I waved and smiled as I floated past the bystanders， and for an instant I thought I saw Konstantinos Kondylis， the first modern-day Olympic torchbearer， in the crowd. “Its about sharing the Olympic spirit， and giving the flame of strength and inspiration to others，” he murmured.

Like Konstantinos， I was an ordinary person taking part in an extraordinary running event—one that had little to do with me. Yes， I was carrying the Torch， but more importantly， I was carrying the Olympic spirit. I still run， inspired to live and work with the Olympic spirit in my heart， doing my part to inspire others.

“加快步伐！”我丈夫哄我說。

“但我做不到！”我說著，我的心在胸腔里砰砰地跳，“我沒法再快了！”

“不，你可以的！你再也不是胖子了?！?/p>

就是“胖”這個詞和標簽，定義了我30年。我曾是一個肉乎乎、可愛的小女孩，然后成為一個迷人、矮胖的少女。進入大學的時候，我變成了一個精力充沛、肥胖的年輕女子。六年后，我成了一個過胖的大學畢業生，有著前途光明的職業在前方向我招手——但是我沒能成功。

但我對自己的肥胖視而不見，直到有人告訴我他不雇用我的原因，我才意識到肥胖是我找不到工作的關鍵?！澳愕奈膽{很好，但你肥胖的程度讓我懷疑你能否做好工作。”

他的話使我看到了一個殘酷的事實：我沉迷于食物。戒掉癮很難，它需要我做出不同的選擇。慢慢地，我改變了我的飲食習慣，只在生理上餓的時候吃，而不是在情緒上饑餓的時候吃。

雖然我幾乎從不步行下公寓樓，但我開始步行來改善。最初，我一次只能走15分鐘。但我每天都在逼迫自己，比頭一天多走5分鐘，直到走一個小時，最后走兩個小時。兩年來，我一直致力于選擇健康飲食，并堅持自己的走路習慣，慢慢地、艱苦地將自己從一個300磅重（約136kg）的不健康女性轉變為130磅重（約59kg）的健康女性。在那一刻，我把我的休閑鞋換成了跑步鞋，成了一名狂熱的跑步者。

我的歷程激勵了我丈夫。2001年3月，在看到一則廣告邀請美國人推薦一位激勵了他們的普通人將奧運圣火帶到鹽湖城后，我的丈夫推薦我擔任火炬手?！?br>