Life Is a Film

By Xiaoyin

One day when I came back home after work,I found a 100 yuan bill in the hallway.Perhaps this is a comedy film.

In order to keep it from being confiscated by my wife,I stashed the bill inside my anti-theft underwear.Yet,I forgot to take the money out before putting it in the laundry.So my wife found it,and I found it hard to vindicate myself.This is a tragic film.

I swore again and again to clear my name.But my wife didn’t believe it,and she even asked me to unlock my personal drawer for her to check.And she ferreted out a deposit receipt I hid then and there.This is a disaster film.

My wife flew to a rage,and immediately showered me with fists.For a moment,I tried my best to dodge her punches,but I had nowhere to escape.This is an action film.

When my wife was exhausted,she interrogated me,and gave me an ultimatum:admit the wrongdoings,or face the consequences.This is a crime film.

At an instant,I cried my heart out,and regretted what I’ve done,and wrote a lengthy apology letter to her,promising that I’d never make the same mistake again.This is an educational film.

Considering my sincerity,my wife forgave me,and she even bought some good wine and food to congratulate me for “making a thorough reformation and starting life anew.” I was in such a delight that I held up my wine glass in one hand,and gave my wife a thumbs-up in another hand,striking an awesome pose,and mumbling things like:“Drinking XX wine,and keeping wife’s words in mind,I’m lovin’ it!” This is a commercial.

Upon hearing my words,my wife was so elated that she kept planting warm kisses on my face.This is an erotic film.

Since then,my status has skyrocketed.Not only can I splurge openly,but also boss my wife around.Whenever my wife sees me,she’ll speak in a mild tone,shaking all over,like a mouse before a cat.This is a fantasy film.

(FromChinese Business Morning View.Translation:Zhu Yaguang)

下班回家，在樓道里撿到百元大鈔一張。這是一部喜劇片。

為了防止被老婆發(fā)現(xiàn)后沒收，悄悄把鈔票放到防盜內(nèi)褲里。不想洗澡換褲子時忘了將錢拿出來，不幸被老婆發(fā)現(xiàn)，自己有口難辯。這是一部悲劇片。

我又發(fā)誓又賭咒，為自己開脫，老婆不信，要我打開我的私人抽屜讓其搜查，結(jié)果偷存的存單被當場查獲。這是一部災(zāi)難片。

老婆惱羞成怒，粉拳頻頻向我襲來，一時間，我慌不擇路，只得左閃右躲。這是一部暴力片。

老婆打累了，對我展開了進一步的盤問，向我發(fā)出了最后通牒：如果再執(zhí)迷不悟，不如實交代，一切后果自負。這是一部警匪片。

一時間，我痛哭流涕，悔不當初，給老婆寫下一篇萬言悔過書，保證今后決不再犯。這是一部教育片。

由于態(tài)度真誠，老婆終于原諒了我，還去街上買回好酒好菜慶祝我“洗心革面，重新做人”。我一高興，拿著酒杯對著老婆豎起大拇指，擺了一個極酷的造型，嘴里還念念有詞：“喝××酒，聽老婆的話，你好我也好！”這是一部廣告片。

聽了我的話，老婆喜出望外，不停地將熱吻往我臉上粘貼。這是一部艷情片。

自那以后，我的家庭地位陡升，不僅可以明目張膽地花錢，還可以隨時對老婆大呼小叫，老婆一見了我，就像老鼠見到貓，輕言細語，渾身發(fā)抖。這是一部科幻片。

（摘自《華商晨報》）