The Secret to Talking with Kids

By Fan Deng

Parents may learn how to help their kids attack one problem by firstly asking them how to get it done.

For example,parents can ask such questions as “How do you think you can get along with your friends?” and “How do you think you all can have fun without a fight?” What is essential in emotional involvement is to put the kids on the right track of dealing with things.

A good job from the kids should be appreciated promptly by encouraging them,“You’ve just done a good job,which is all about…” This is what I mean by emotional involvement.

I once tried to tell the meaning of the word “patience” to my twoyear-old son,Dudu.One night,when he cried for milk on the bed,my wife rushed to prepare a glass for him.I said to myself that he definitely inherited her quick temper because he had no patience to wait a little more time.

So,I immediately joined him to calm him down.“Dudu,are you a little bit anxious now?” I consoled him as I lay down by his side,on my stomach.

Noticing he was listening,I continued,“My baby,do you know what patience means?” He shook his head.“It’s okay,” I said.“I want you to know that patience here means no more cries when milk is not ready yet.” I believed that he may have developed a little understanding of it.

The next day,while my wife was busy making milk for him,I came to him.“Dudu,do you remember what I told you about ‘patience’ yesterday?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he recited what I said.“No cries without milk.”

“Nice.Come on.Show what you’ve learned to your mom.”

父母要學會引導孩子解決問題，可以多問問孩子怎樣才能解決問題。

比如：“你覺得怎樣才能和小朋友好好相處？”“你覺得怎樣能夠讓你們大家都開心，不打架？”引導孩子來解決問題，是情感引導的關鍵步驟。

孩子做對了的時候，要告訴孩子：“你剛剛這個行為做得很好，這個行為就叫作……”這就是情感引導。

我曾經嘗試在我兒子嘟嘟2歲時，教會他什么叫作“耐心”。有一天晚上，他躺在床上大哭，喊著“我要喝牛奶”。這時候，他媽媽就趕緊去給他沖奶粉。我一看，心想，這孩子的性子像他媽，真夠急的。

我就過去陪著他，給他安全感。我趴在床上對他說：“嘟嘟，你現在是不是有點兒著急？”

他開始聽我說話。我接著說：“嘟嘟，知不知道什么叫‘耐心’？”他搖搖頭。我說：“沒關系，不知道也沒關系，爸爸告訴你，耐心就是牛奶還沒來的時候，咱們也可以不哭。”這是先播下種子。

第二天，他要喝牛奶，他媽媽去了，我又過去陪著他說：“嘟嘟，爸爸昨天給你講過什么叫‘耐心’，你還記得嗎？”他說：“記得。”然后，他開始回憶內容，說：“沒有牛奶也不哭。”我說：“很好，來，試試看，咱們能不能表現出耐心。咱們嘗試一下，表現出耐心來給媽媽看看。”他就努力忍了一會兒，這時候，他媽媽過來了。

此時，我抓緊進行情感引導，立刻跟他媽媽說：“你快來看，兒子表現出耐心了。”我對嘟嘟說：“你剛剛表現的這個行為就叫作‘耐心’，你真棒，你已經學會了。”就這樣，一直到3歲，我幾乎沒有見過他大哭大叫、大喊大鬧。我帶他逛玩具市場，一點兒都不擔心。他說：“爸爸，我想要這個玩具。”我說：“這個比網上貴很多。”他立刻就能放下，等我以后給他買。

現在，他已經能夠和我商量溝通事情。

有一次，嘟嘟從幼兒園的校車上下來，我們小區一個小姑娘想去我家玩，我就問那個小姑娘：“如果你媽媽不同意你去怎么辦？”因為她媽媽經常怕給我們添麻煩。小姑娘說：“那我就求求媽媽。”嘟嘟就在旁邊接了一句：“求求媽媽是沒用的。”緊接著，他又補充了一句：“比這更沒用的是哭和鬧。”

我覺得他說的話有意思，就問他：“嘟嘟，那你說什么有用？”他說：“溝通。”（摘自《讀懂孩子的心》中國友誼出版公司）

He restrained himself for a while before his mother came back.

Now,I took the chance to practice emotional involvement by purposefully saying to my wife,“Look! Our son has learned how to stay patient.” I then said to Dudu,“You have just defined ‘patience’ through your wonderful performance.You’ve made it.Good for you!”

Following my teaching,he seldom yelled or cried for whatever reason until he was three years old.I don’t ever even feel upset if I go to a toy store with him.“Dad,I want this one,” he asks.“This one is much more expensive than the one online,” to which I reply.He will leave it and patiently wait for a later arrival from online.

Now,my son can communicate with me equally over the happenings.

One day,when Dudu got off his kindergarten bus,a little girl in the neighborhood wanted to play with him at our home.“What if your mom doesn’t permit it?” I asked her because her mother didn’t wish to bother me.

“I will beg for permission,” she replied.

“It’s no use,” Dudu argued,“to cry or protest is no use all the more.”

I found it interesting and asked him,“Then do you have any suggestions?”

“Communication,” was his solution.

(FromHow to Read Children’s Mind ,China Friendship Publishing House.Translation:Wang Wen)