翻譯擂臺（第37期）

林巍

【原文】

可愛的中國（節選）

方志敏

[1] 朋友，我相信，到那時，到處都是活躍的創造，到處都是日新月異的進步，歡歌將代替了悲嘆，笑臉將代替了哭臉，富裕將代替了貧窮，康健將代替了疾病，智慧將代替了愚昧，友愛將代替了仇恨，生之快樂將代替了死之憂傷，明媚的花園將代替了暗淡的荒地！[2] 這時，我們民族就可以無愧色的立在人類的面前，而生育我們的母親，也會最美麗地裝飾起來，與世界上各位母親平等的攜手了。[3] 這么光榮的一天，決不在遼遠的將來，而在很近的將來，我們可以這樣相信的，朋友！

【點評】

選文摘自方志敏于1935年在獄中寫就的《可愛的中國》，作者概述了自己艱辛的革命經歷，謳歌了“生育我們的祖國母親”，深切之情溢于言表。

文章標題參賽者一般譯成 Lovely China、The Lovable China、Beloved China（Excerpt）、Adorable China （Excerpt） 等，似乎合理，但仔細品味，發現此語亦可出自外國人之筆，而更為確切的譯法可以是：My Beloved Motherland—China （Excerpt）。

[1]中的排比部分“歡歌將代替了悲嘆……明媚的花園將代替了暗淡的荒地！”，不少參賽者譯成：… Cheerful sound of singing will replace mournful lament. Smiling face will replace crying face. Wealth will replace poorness. Health will replace disease. Wisdom will replace ignorance. Friendly affection will replace enmity. The happiness of life will replace the sadness of death. Brilliant garden will replace dim wasteland / ... where sad sighs are replaced by merry songs， weeping faces are replaced by smiling faces， poverty is replaced by wealth， illness is replaced by health， ignorance is replaced by wisdom， hatred is replaced by friendship， sadness of death is replaced by happiness of birth and barren lands are replaced by beautiful gardens. / … There will be joyful songs instead of lament，smiling faces instead of crying faces，richness instead of poverty， health instead of disease， wisdom instead of ignorance，friendship instead of hatred，the happiness of living instead of the sadness of death， bright gardens instead of bleak wasteland！下畫線均為筆者所加，可見其中重復部分。應當說，“文似看山不喜平”是條普遍規律;除非有特殊表述，一般應避免重復。

例如，“向促改革要動力，向調結構要助力，向惠民生要潛力，既擴大市場需求，又增加有效供給，努力做到結構調優而不失速”（We promoted reform to gain impetus for development， made structural adjustments to produce support for development， and improved living standards to increase the potential for development. We both expanded market demand and increased effective supply， working to ensure that structural adjustments were made without compromising the growth rate），其中的三個“向……要”分別采用了不同的詞語和句式，既避免了重復，又使語勢產生波瀾。再如，朱自清的名篇《匆匆》：“洗手的時候，日子從水盆里過去;吃飯的時候，日子從飯碗里過去;默默時，便從凝然的雙眼前過去。”可譯為：Thus the day flows away through the sink when I wash my hands; vanishes in the rice bowl when I have my meal; passes away quietly before the fixed gaze of my eyes when I am lost in reverie. 原文中三個分句都重復了“過去”，譯文則分別采用flows away、vanishes、passes away 三個同義詞組進行對應，既構成了和原文相似的、平行的句法結構，又避免了完全的重復。有時，即便是一短句，高超的譯者也會避免重復，如老舍的《月牙兒》中有一句“媽對我很好，而且有時候極莊重的說我：‘念書！念書！’”著名翻譯家沙博理的譯文：She was so good to me， always urging， “Read your books， study hard！” 即以字面的變形體現了內在的忠實。

當然，也有一些參賽者意識到了這個問題，采取了種種“避免”措施，如：Paean will overwhelm the lament， smile will displace the tear， prosperity will eliminate the privation， health will vanquish the disease， wisdom will enlighten the folly， love will transform the hatred， the joy of life will dilute the sorrow of death， vigorous garden will spring the bleak wasteland！ / We will sing joyful songs rather than sad sighs， our smiles spread but our tears dissipate， our people are well off instead of poor， health drives illness far away， people hold wisdom and abandon ignorance， friendships replace hostilities， the pleasure of life dispels the sorrow of death， the bright garden turns into gloomy wasteland！ 等，顯出不同的譯文質量。

其實，領悟原文，這是一幅潑墨山水畫，寫意大于寫實，主要講將來比現在更好，美麗會戰勝丑惡，光明必取代黑暗;故可不必過于拘泥細節上的對等，而不妨采取“肢解”“重組”“合并同類項”等技法，以求“神似”。具體而言，“到那時”是指中國總有改天換地的那一天，見證著“日新月異的進步”（China will one day truly transform itself， witnessing its rapid progress）;而新天地的總體藍圖是“生之快樂將代替了死之憂傷，明媚的花園將代替了暗淡的荒地”（where a joyful life will replace the netherworld; bright gardens will supplant bleak wastelands），不妨提前譯出，統領該段;“悲嘆”“哭臉”“貧窮”“疾病”“愚昧”“仇恨”這些象征舊社會的面容將被新時代所蕩滌，成為歷史（sadness， grief， poverty， exhaustion， ignorance， hatred will all have become things of the past）;而“活躍的創造”“歡歌”“笑臉”“富裕”“康健”“智慧”“友愛”指的是在美好愿景中新人的風貌（people， instead， will be innovative， cheerful， happy， rich， healthy， intelligent and kind）。故整段不妨譯為：Dear friends， I believe that China will one day truly transform itself， witnessing its rapid progress， where a joyful life will replace the netherworld; bright gardens will supplant bleak wastelands; and sadness， grief， poverty， exhaustion， ignorance， hatred will all have become things of the past; people， instead， will be innovative， cheerful， happy， rich， healthy， intelligent and kind. 從而力求與原文的“整體對等”效果。

[2]中，“無愧色的立在人類的面前”（因那時還不分“的”“地”，此處實則為“地”），參賽者一般譯成 can stand up unashamedly at the front of the human / we can stand in front of all mankind without shame / can be truly worthy of taking a stand before mankind，其中的“無愧色”既可如原文“反說”（without shame），亦可“正說”（be truly worthy of、proudly）;“而生育我們的母親，也會最美麗地裝飾起來，與世界上各位母親平等的攜手了”，許多人譯成：And， our motherland， which give birth to us， will be best decorated and join hands with those of other nations as equals / and the mother who gives birth to us will be decorated most beautifully and will work hand in hand with the mothers of the world / so our great mothers， who gave birth to us， will get beautifully dressed and join hands together with all other mothers in the world.不免有些過“實”。應當說，“無愧色的立在人類的面前”和“與世界上各位母親平等的攜手”是一種并列表述，故可將“我們民族”和“我們的母親”聯系起來;“最美麗地裝飾”，若修飾人，不宜用decorate， 該詞的本義是 to make something look more attractive by putting things on it， 如：①They decorated the room with flowers and balloons.（他們用花和氣球裝飾了房間。）②The cake was decorated to look like a car.（這蛋糕裝飾得像一輛汽車。）即該詞多用來修飾物，而少用于人，不如dress、clothe等更適宜。此句不妨譯為：By that time， our nation can proudly stand in front of mankind， and our elegantly clad motherland will join hands with others on an equal footing.

對于[3]，較為典型的譯文有：How glorious that day would be！ It will never be far away but in the foreseeable future. We can all believe in that way， my friend！ / Such a glorious is not hidden far away， but lies just in the near future. We can believe that， my friends / So glorious will the day not be far away， yet in a near future. We can have faith in it， my friend！ 這類譯文幾乎與原文句式絲絲相扣，但未必是通順、優質的譯文。其中，再次出現了“朋友”，有進一步強調、加深之意，而“相信”也可不再用believe that。此句不妨譯為：My fellow countrymen， we should all have faith that such a glorious day is not in the distant future but is as imminent as you can imagine.

總之，中英文里都有足夠的詞匯和表達方式來變換多樣地描述、形容、議論同一事物、情景和感受，而譯者此方面儲備的豐富程度會直接影響其翻譯質量。? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? □

【優勝者】

徐洪杰（浙江）? ?楊燕飛（湖南）? ?王怡正（遼寧）? ?溫紹祺（廣東）